Archive for the therapy Category

what a difference a year makes…

Posted in love, mental illness, relationships, romance, therapy, trust with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 24/06/2014 by doyourememberthattime

last year I met a nice man.
he was attentive, intelligent, funny & well read.
i found him attractive.
perfect, I hear you say.

no

i rejected him in favour or rather difficult man i met around the same time.
the man I picked was selfish & uncompromising.
even in bed.
it did not last.

I
i’ve talked about this with various people.
my therapist, my best friends, my mum & sister
all of whom, agreed that i had a bit of habit of selecting inappropriate men.
i did not disagree.

what I needed to know was why?
further discussion & some introspection brought the answers to the surface.

that nice man was too nice.
i was suspicious of his apparent loveliness,
i didn’t believe that it was real.
surely, his best behaviour would dissipate
&
i’d be left disappointed.
more worryingly, i was not convinced that i deserved this nice man.
i have never been with someone who gives me what i need.
there is always a catch,
a perpetual shortfall.
the idea that i had met someone i could relax & possibly be happy with frightened me
it’s hard for me to think i am entitled to that sort of contentment.

i’m not worthy
and
he was bound to discover that fairly quickly.
how long before my craziness, disability & general not good enoughness was uncovered?
how long before i was rejected?

so, you see,
liking this nice man was just too risky.
it could only end badly.

he could be a fraud
&
i would be disappointed.

he could recognise what a sub-standard person i was
&
i would be rejected.

either way it was too dangerous.
getting close to man who may actually be possible of meeting my desires was too threatening.
it was easier to choose men who never could.
relationships with built in obsolescence could not hurt me.
i always knew it would end
& therefore never become emotionally attached.
i’m sure you can see the problem with that.

Earlier this year, he got in touch.

just to say hi.
we talked for a few weeks.
i remembered how enjoyable conversing with him was.
we decided to meet
&
this time, I am allowing myself to hope that maybe I do deserve this.
perhaps happiness is within my reach.

it’s very early days.
we’re enjoying each other’s company.
who knows what may happen.
the important thing is I am open to the possibilities.

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the times they are a changin’ …..

Posted in mental health, recovery, self harm, therapy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 31/01/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t written since i returned home.
mainly because it’s been tricky to clearly define my thoughts & feelings.

i am endeavouring to hang into the lightness i felt in australia.
it’s a struggle.
i have mostly been just keeping my head above water.
And
putting on an impressive show.
i believe I mimic OK rather well.
i suppose i am adopting the ‘ fake it ’til you make it ‘ strategy.

i knew australia couldn’t be an overnight cure.
it has however been a positive force.
i have hope now.
i know happiness is possible.
i am certain a woman i like & respect still exists.

it’s a matter of fighting for her.

i intend to fight.

so, it’s the one day at a time cliche.
exploring new options
and
taking small leaps.

it is terrifying.

I still have EMDR on pause. i’ve discussed it with my psychologist & we agreed not to rip the lid from that box yet.
it will have to happen.
delving into those memories again is an alarming notion.
i remain convinced it is the best route to long term recovery.

whatever recovery means.

i am yet to decipher what recovery consists of.
those around me seem to consider not cutting to fit the definition,
i know that is not the case.

the battle continues in my head.
i hanker for blood,
itch to create mayhem.
i’m still not convinced the urge will ever leave me.
that i don’t deserve punnishment is becoming more feasible.
perhaps I can forgive myself.

recovery is an unrelenting war fought on multiple fronts.

i have to forge a new identity without self harm.

i hope i’m ready.

won’t you please,please help me…..

Posted in depression, family, friendship, mental health, self destruction, self harm, therapy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 08/04/2012 by doyourememberthattime

after conducting a small survey with close friends & family members.

i decided my therapist may be correct

i do indeed have an unrealistic perception

of

my situation

 

i am still not entirely won over

but

i’m convinced enough to be

frightened

 

i reviewed lots of the handouts i have received from my psychologist

and thought a great deal about how i could reduce my

self harming

behaviours

 

i wanted to reduce my opportunity

and

my desire

to cut

 

i filled up my week with things i thought i could do

if i really pushed myself

 

i accepted invitations from two close friends

along with already planned time with my little ones

& agreed to look after my brothers dog

 

i kept busy.

i got dressed

i did my hair & applied make up

i ate well

and

attended to much needed housework

i ticked so many of the advised boxes

 

i didn’t want to do most of these things

they were tiring

and

scary

and stressful

but, it’s what i have been encouraged to do.

 

the result ?

 

i feel worse

in every

possible

way

my mind and body are worn out.

interacting with the world has been horrendous

 

i felt close to breaking  last night

i cried for hours

had an episode of vomiting

finally drugged myself to sleep

 

this morning i woke up to the dread of another day

i’ve been on edge

i can’t settle

everything feels wrong

i’m in pain

i feel nauseous

and

utterly exhausted

 

most of all

i am overwhelmingly sad

of course this leads back to my usual destructive tendencies

with all it’s predictable problems

satisfaction is hard to accomplish

and

the calm is brief

 

i simply do not know how to live anymore

neither my own maladaptive

nor

the recommended

supposedly healthy

techniques work

 

i try

i engage in therapy

i take medication

i attempt to follow advice

nothing helps

 

i see the years slipping by

and

i hate myself for wasting them

i am desperate

help me

can’t run around, ’cause i’m not free….

Posted in depression, mental health, self harm, therapy with tags , , , , , , on 02/03/2012 by doyourememberthattime

increasingly

 i find myself thinking about hospital

 i am terrified of being hospitalised

 i have always felt

that

 if i had to go inpatient

i would have lost 

 

lost the battle

 lost control

lost myself

 

 i do not think i could cope with the reality of a psychiatric ward

 

the practicalities of it

 horrify me

 shared toilets & showers

 sleeping on a ward

 hospital food

 dealing with others all day everyday

 

 but,

 i have coped with those privations

 i’ve had to spend lots of time on medical wards

 i hated it

 i also, survived it.

 

 the emotional impact of a psych admition 

would extract a higher toll

 the concept of not being in

 control

 of my own life

 is too much for me to bare.

 

 the idea that i am entirely incapable

 of functioning

 would destroy me.

 

 i couldn’t deal with being watched

 and evaluated

 submitting to be told

 what i can do

 & when

 would break me

 

 if i had to relinquish that authority

 i.m not sure that i could recover

 

and yet

 i can’t get away from

thoughts of

“the bin”

 

i realise that i take risks

that a stable person would not

 i know that i have impulses 

not conducive to a healthy life

 

does that amount to an

 inability

 to govern myself ?

 

at times i wonder how i have managed to avoid hospital

 i look around me & see people having the option to refuse withdrawn

 individuals that i don’t necessarily consider to be sicker than myself

 sometimes

 even

 those who appear to be much less of a danger to themselves.

 

what is the criteria ?

perhaps i am not that close to the edge

 

 no matter the fear stays with me

 &

 i feel its malevolent presence

a study in scarlett

Posted in dating, depression, insomnia, mental health, self destruction, self harm, therapy with tags , , , , , , on 29/02/2012 by doyourememberthattime

it’s been a bad day

i’ve been attempting to analyse why

what tips me over into my worst days ?

 

 

i’ve been really nauseous

never helps

stomach has been cramping

chest is very heavy

and my back has been aching

so, i don’t feel good

 

i had some unpleasant words with my sister on sunday

they’re lingering

i didn’t hear from the man

at all

yesterday

that’s festering

money (lack of) is a concern

the huge gnawing kind.

i suppose those things might upset anyone.

 

i fainted

nothing new

but

i really hurt myself

hip & shoulder are now extremely painful

i ruined my glasses

they’re all buckled & scratched

plus

when i came round

i was outside my front door

and

i still have no idea what i was doing there

the confusion

frightens me a little

oh

and i can’t afford new glasses

again, reasons to be out of sorts.

 

i still haven’t heard from the man properly

a few frustrating texts

a bundle of tears

and

i’m angry with myself for getting into this situation.

which

sets me on a negative thought path

i make poor decisions

i am to blame for my place in life

if i was

stronger

smarter

fitter

more selfless

less lazy

i could get on top of this mess

 

but

i’m not

and

i don’t

 

instead, i begin to think i should self harm

i haven’t cut in 6 days

which

is probably part of why i feel so low

i promise myself it doesn’t have to be big

just a little release

a little blood

 

you know the score

you know where that leads

 

i do too,

but it doesn’t stop me.

help me if you can, i’m feeling down…….

Posted in comapassionate mind, depression, therapy with tags , , , on 22/04/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i feel like i am uncovering things in therapy.

i keep surprising myself.

the things that really touch a nerve shock me

i keep crying at the unexpected.

i think i am making progress.

i still have a blockage between what i think

& how i feel.

we are trying to work on my compassionate voice.

i am finding it very difficult to hear it.

my natural instinct is to be harsh with myself.

so far, i can’t overcome this.

any personal experience of developing you compassionate mind would be most welcome.

i would love to hear from you.