Archive for the trust Category

what a difference a year makes…

Posted in love, mental illness, relationships, romance, therapy, trust with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 24/06/2014 by doyourememberthattime

last year I met a nice man.
he was attentive, intelligent, funny & well read.
i found him attractive.
perfect, I hear you say.

no

i rejected him in favour or rather difficult man i met around the same time.
the man I picked was selfish & uncompromising.
even in bed.
it did not last.

I
i’ve talked about this with various people.
my therapist, my best friends, my mum & sister
all of whom, agreed that i had a bit of habit of selecting inappropriate men.
i did not disagree.

what I needed to know was why?
further discussion & some introspection brought the answers to the surface.

that nice man was too nice.
i was suspicious of his apparent loveliness,
i didn’t believe that it was real.
surely, his best behaviour would dissipate
&
i’d be left disappointed.
more worryingly, i was not convinced that i deserved this nice man.
i have never been with someone who gives me what i need.
there is always a catch,
a perpetual shortfall.
the idea that i had met someone i could relax & possibly be happy with frightened me
it’s hard for me to think i am entitled to that sort of contentment.

i’m not worthy
and
he was bound to discover that fairly quickly.
how long before my craziness, disability & general not good enoughness was uncovered?
how long before i was rejected?

so, you see,
liking this nice man was just too risky.
it could only end badly.

he could be a fraud
&
i would be disappointed.

he could recognise what a sub-standard person i was
&
i would be rejected.

either way it was too dangerous.
getting close to man who may actually be possible of meeting my desires was too threatening.
it was easier to choose men who never could.
relationships with built in obsolescence could not hurt me.
i always knew it would end
& therefore never become emotionally attached.
i’m sure you can see the problem with that.

Earlier this year, he got in touch.

just to say hi.
we talked for a few weeks.
i remembered how enjoyable conversing with him was.
we decided to meet
&
this time, I am allowing myself to hope that maybe I do deserve this.
perhaps happiness is within my reach.

it’s very early days.
we’re enjoying each other’s company.
who knows what may happen.
the important thing is I am open to the possibilities.

Advertisements

sometimes, i hear my voice & its been, silent all these years…

Posted in depression, hope, mental health, trust with tags , , , , , , , , , on 28/02/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i finally saw my new psychiatrist last week

my last dr left & being assigned a new one taken some months

i did not have a good relationship with my previous psychiatrist

in fact

she terrified me

 

she was a good example of what mental health professionals

should

not be

 

she always appeared to be very judgemental

her approach was

cold

harsh

blameful

i always left appointments feeling

worthless

she basically shored up my

self

loathing.

the most troublesome aspect of our therapeutic relationship

was

that she didn’t actually want to treat me

she appeared to have given up

i enquired

more than once

about a change of medication

 some chemical help with my

anxiety

&

insomnia

her response was always the same

i had exhausted my options

i was now left with

lithium

or the status quo

she dismissed my fears about lithium

and

declared

that she could not help me

if i would not accept her advice

 

and

so

i was stuck

she didn’t help

she just scared me

but

i was too frightened to ask for someone else

i didn’t feel i had the right

to question her

 

for once the fates were on my side

she left

giving me the opportunity

to access real help

 

my new psychiatrist

is a marvel

i was so frightened to see him

and

incredibly relieved

after our first meeting

 

he listened to me

he didn’t dismiss how i felt

he spoke to me like an intelligent person

not

some pathetic loon

was asked pertintent questions

and

was interested in my replies

he displayed

empathy

and kindness

 

this dr have me options

I HAVE OPTIONS

 

he explained why he was offered certain drugs

what they could do for me

what the side effects might be

he cared what i thought

he accepted my reservations

and

allowed me the final decision

after much discussion

we decided on a new drug regime

one that i actually believe might help me

 

for the first time

someone is actively treating

insomnia

and

anxiety

as well as depression

 

everyone should have access to this kind of help

so often

the mentally ill

are

dismissed

and

short changed

 

this new dr

has given me hope

for that

i will be forever grateful.

maybe you’ll run ….

Posted in dating, friendship, hope, love, romance, trust with tags , , , , on 21/02/2012 by doyourememberthattime

withdrawal has taken approximately

 32 hours

i’m doing that crazy girl thing

of

going over everything he said

and

searching for significance

the bit that is really sticking

is

“i wish i had met you before my wife”

what does that mean ?

(don’t worry, he’s divorced)

i didn’t think that i still mattered

to him

it was easier to move on when i

thought

he didn’t want me

there was no going back

nothing to cling to

now, i know

i can still make him do that smile

and

fling his arm across his head in bed

i want to call him

and

ask him what that meant

but

that’s just insane

right ?

is he thinking about me

right now ?

does he wish i with him

is he fighting the urge to call me

how do i stop

when it’s so good ?

thank you for the days……

Posted in friendship, love, romance, trust, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 12/01/2012 by doyourememberthattime

we’re losing us
and
it makes me very sad

i accepted that we
weren’t
to be
a long time ago,
but
i thought we could still be us

we had something really special
what
a
cliche

it’s true
we made each other feel extraordinary
we felt lucky
we felt edgy
we felt so very clever

at least
i did
no
i know you did too

i know those moment
were
real

you could never have faked
those smiles
or those tender words
you’re not a man given
to
soppy declarations
but
your
well considered
esotoric
compliments
made me fly

i called you odd
you called me weird
&
it felt better than any beautiful
or funny
or sexy
or smart
anyone else had ever bestowed on me

we fitted together like lego
snug
secure
a platform to build on

i suppose that is the problem
when you stop building
you lose the momentum
&
the relationship is stunted

we still talk
we still care
but
the fizz is missing

i think of you twewnty time a day,
but
i stop myself from texting
i no longer stockpile
your
future
treats

i am no longer confident that
i will be
the
one
treating you

i love you
we were never very good at saying that
but
it’s true

i don’t usually have problems with it
but i always knew it scared you
that’s fine
we had
what we had
i don’t need the words
or
for that
matter
the feeling

if you didn’t love me
fine
you’re still
the
best
man
i ever had

we’re losing us
but
i don’t think we need to
if we can just get through this bit
the tricky
not sure where the boundaries are
dreading the other finding someone
else
who makes them swoon
stage
i know, we can make it

we can remake us
into something stronger
something solid
and
safe
and
lovely

we can be friends.

memories, in the corner of my mind….

Posted in love, trust with tags , , , , , , , on 01/09/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i remember the first time i saw “the way we were”

 i was around 14 

 i watched it with my mum.

i  identified with katie so much,

she was so passionate,

she cared

 and

she was willing to do something about it

 

 as the story unfolded, i fell in love with katie & hubble.

 i believed in them.

 it broke my heart when it dawned in me that they wouldn’t end up together

 i cried

and

 at the end i wailed, but they still love each other.

 

 mum said, LOVE ISN’T ALWAYS ENOUGH.

 

 i couldn’t get a grasp on that concept.

 my romantic ideals could not comprehend a situation where love wouldn’t be enough.

 

 i miss that naiveté.

 i miss being able to believe that love could change facts

 and people

 and everyday.

 

 it’s a lesson i wish i didn’t have to learn

but

 i’m all grown up now

 

 mostly

 

 i’m still a katie girl

 i still know what i stand for

 i still i know what i want

 and

need

 

sadly, that’s what prevents love from being enough.

closer…let me whisper in your ear…

Posted in depression, friendship, hope, mental health, self harm, trust with tags , , , , , on 18/05/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t written for weeks.

the thought of writing about what i am feeling is overwhelming and sickeningly familiar.

there is always another wave waiting to engulf me

i feel like i am in danger being dragged out to sea.

an important friendship is over.

i had hoped something could be salvaged from the wreckage,

but my optimism proved to be in vain.

i know that i have to accept this

i must set the negative emotions adrift

&

hold tight to the lessons i have learned

it’s going to take time.

i’m not confident i have the energy to tread water for very long.

clichéd thought it is, my woes have come in a multiple of 3.

clearly,

one problem would be just too easy to negotiate.

which

once again,

leaves me in very troubled water.

health is not good.

my latest hospitalisation has churned up new issues.

i am preparing for another round of unpleasant tests & procedures.

some which i have already weathered

and

am under no illusions about just how repellant they are.

my final issue is unresolved

heartbreaking

entirely

out of my control.

i can’t even bear to consider the possible outcome.

i am floundering.

again.

in the words of far superior writer ,

i’m…

not waving,but drowning.