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big is beautiful…

Posted in body positivity, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 27/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

Cosmopolitan website featured an interview with two fat women that caught my eye. Cosmo is not usually a publication I favour, but this interview was a rare beauty. An honest & mostly positive account of life as a plus sized woman. The article was a big hit with the plus size blogging community & a number of bloggers have answered the questions in their own words. I have decided to join the pack because the world needs more body positive voices.

How do you feel when other women around you complain about feeling/being fat?
This is a hard question for me because I have such mixed feelings. Of course it can make me feel bad when women who are much smaller than me complain about being fat, but I don’t think I have the right to police their thoughts & feelings. I am learning to love my body and I would like others to feel the same. However it’s not my place to tell others how they should feel about their bodies. I will always be supportive & body positive, but I’m not going to censure people for having insecurities.
How has your body image changed since high school/college?
I was slim when I was younger. I started to gain some weight ay university, but I was far from plus sized. Despite that I always felt fat. I believed I was the biggest in my group of friends, wouldn’t wear certain types of clothes and generally didn’t feel very attractive. When I look back at pictures I realise this was nonsense. When I did actually become fat there wasn’t a huge shift in how I felt about myself as I already thought very negatively about my body.

Have you ever tried dieting? What happened?
Yush! I have dieted on & off for years. I am very successful at losing weight, but have never been able to maintain the loss. This is mostly because dieting always becomes very extreme for me. I start of trying to stick to a healthy eating plan, but it descends into a crazy regime. I usually end up restricting myself to about 500 cals a day, which anyone will tell you is not sustainable. I’ll be honest, I feel fantastic when I am loss huge amounts of weight. It just isn’t worth what I do to myself to get achieve it.
Do you think in your case your weight is partly or entirely genetic?
I don’t think I have the kind of body that is ever going to be skinny, but no, my weight is not genetic.
Do you consider yourself healthy? Have there been instances where people assumed you were unhealthy?
I’m not healthy, but that has nothing to do with my weight. I am plagued by a number of chronic conditions, which greatly impact my life. On the other hand my cholesterol level is very good; my blood pressure is low and so on. Losing weight would not improve any of illnesses I suffer from.
Are your parents both supportive of the weight you are at? Have they always been?
Neither of my parents is ever cruel or forceful about their desire for me to lose weight, but I am aware that they would prefer me to be smaller. They have both been very happy when I have lost weight in the past.

How do you think retailers can improve clothes for plus-sized people?
Basically, I want the same clothes as smaller women. Just make all your clothes in bigger sizes & let me decide how I want to dress instead of making assumptions about what fat women want to wear. The only retailer I am aware of who do this are ASOS. I highly recommend their curve range. Oh & stop charging me so much.
Do you think plus-size women are judged differently than plus-sized men?
Yes. There are so many visible fat man on tv, films etc. Large men are portrayed as successful and attractive. You often see very fat men with gorgeous partners and fulfilling lives. On the other hand fat women in the media are usually the joke. They’re the stupid big women who thinks someone might be attracted to her (haha, gross) or the miserable failure. Male actors are allowed to be fat in a way that women are not. There is one version of female beauty in mainstream media and it is not fat.
Do you think there is an assumption made/stereotype that exists about plus-size people? How would you respond to it?
Lazy, unattractive, unsuccessful & unpopular. I respond to that by living my life complete with friends, accomplishments & hot men.
Do you think there is ever a right way or time to express concern about someone’s weight?
Do you suspect that someone has an eating disorder? If not, no.
What are the worst things people have said to you about your body?
I think I have been lucky in that I don’t often get negative comments about my weight. I’ve had men I’ve turned down resort to fat slurs. Similarly I have had a few people throw some names at me during arguments/disagreements. That doesn’t happen often & I tend not to keep folks like that in my life.

What have people said (or do you wish they’d say) that would complement your body or appearance?
I want to hear the same things as anyone else. I don’t need specific compliments because I’m fat.
Do you find yourself hanging out with women who are closer to your size?
Nope. I have friends of all shapes and sizes. Physical attributes have no impact on whom I form friendships with.
How has weight affected your sex life, if at all?
It hasn’t. To be honest I think I have a more active & exciting sex life than most of social circle.
When you’ve been single, has your weight affected your dating life?
Only in that I haven’t always felt attractive. I get the same amount of romantic attention fat as I did thin. It hasn’t stopped me dating anyone I wanted to date. Nor has anyone I’ve been in a relationship with ever had a problem with my size. I am sure there are people who look at me & think yuck, fat. Since I have no desire to date anyone harbouring those feelings it has no impact on my life.
Do you feel weird if the guy you’re with only dates larger women?
I would if he was only with me because I was fat, but that goes for any other single attribute. I want a person to want all of me. Having said that I have no problem with someone being attracted to larger women. If I did I would be saying there is something wrong with being fat. Why shouldn’t folk prefer fat women? As long as that’s not the only attraction, it’s fine with me.

Do you feel weird if he’s only dated slimmer women before?
No. I’m not really interested in who he’s dated before. He’s with me now; he clearly likes & fancies me. Who cares about the past?

You can find the original interview here
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/fat-women-real-talk

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i like it, i like it…..

Posted in self harm, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 08/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i got pierced.
that’s how it started.
in Australia, i had a dermal piercing just below my collar bone.
i’ve had dermals before, but they always rejected.
they were also fairly painful & a bit of a palaver.
anyway, this time it was great.
the actual piercing was over in minutes
hardly any pain
healed perfectly.

so, when I came home,
i wanted another.
i decided to have my boob pierced.
partly because I thought it looked cool
also, I wanted the pain
and
blood.

i crave blood.
i miss it.
i obsess about having too much whooshing through my veins.
i dream about blood.
i want it
OUT.

i thought the piercing would sate my blood lust a little.
i made one mistake
i watched.
i was curious as to how they were managing to do it so quickly
the answer?
a biopsy punch.
it cuts out a full thickness circle of skin in seconds
like a human cookie cutter.
i liked it

of course I bought one
it was very easy to find on eBay
i started with a small punch
i told myself it was damage limitation.
i’m good at lying to myself.

it’s an ingenious device
just press down hard
and
out pops a bloody disc of flesh.

i like it.
i like that I have to be rough with it
i like how raw it looks
i like feeling some control again
sometimes the skin isn’t completely severed
and
i pull it out the tissue out with tweezers
the sensation is disgusting
and
amazing
most of all, I love the blood.

it’s not enough
i’ve ordered larger punches.
i could be in trouble.

thankful so thankful…..

Posted in chronic illness, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 08/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

My body has been up to no good again.
This time it has decided it does not want to eat.
It feels like there is something stuck in my throat & the centre of my chest.
It’s very painful.
Swallowing is excruciating
And If I try to eat anything, I just throw it up immediately.

This has been going on since Friday.
Its sooo much fun.
I’ve actually experienced these symptoms before
But
They only lasted for a few hours.
This sustained onslaught is severely testing me.

I saw my gp & she was fairly certain that my hiatus hernia was the culprit
She ordered an urgent endoscopy
Changed my anti emetic
Then basically told me I had to just get on with it.

So, I struggled on until various factors landed me in A&E.
As usual that was a carnival of waiting
I had an ECG; it then took almost 5hrs to see the medical dr,
Who was entirely unhelpful.
She took bloods, ordered a chest x-ray
Paid very little attention to what I was saying,
Offered me the same meds that had already failed to have any effect.
Unfortunately this is a familiar theme of my hospital visits.
As soon as I mention my chronic conditions doctors appear to switch off.
The wait & see attitude is pervasive.

What followed was another agonising wait for a surgical consult.
By the time the surgical dr arrived I was no longer coping.
The pain was unbearable
The nausea uncontrollable.
I hadn’t slept for more than a few hours in days
I was so close to breaking point.

Thankfully in walked the most wonderful man.
He actually listened to my whole story,
My long history of acute & chronic conditions were taken on board
And
He proactively treated me.

I was given a strong anti-emetic injection,
Serious pain relief,
A drip to replace fluids & salts
Plus, doubled the dosage on my stomach medications.
I was admitted to a ward & finally got some real rest.

I can’t even explain how grateful I am that someone helped me
My physical health has a huge impact of my mental illness
Obviously being ill gets me down,
But
The entire hospital process raises my anxiety to intolerable levels
The waiting
The staring
The explaining
I feel helpless.
I often begin to wonder if it’s all worth it
Especially, when I come up against medical professionals who really don’t seem to want to help me.

So, I’m grateful.
That someone listened
That someone treated me with respect
That someone made me feel better

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you.

shelter from the storm….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 03/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

October was a rough month.
I was sexually assaulted by a complete stranger in a branch of boots,
this really shook me.
I already have difficulty getting on my own at times.
The assault increased my fear.
I had experienced almost an identical incident about 10yrs ago.
The repeat left me wondering if there was something about me that invited this.
It didn’t help that my breasts were the target of both attacks,
I have a very large bust
And
Since my teens they have attracted a lot of unwelcome attention.
It’s something I have come to live with,
I ignore the comments
I refuse to restrict my wardrobe
I am not going to hide.
In short, it has become just a part of my life.
However, a stranger actually touching me is more than I can deal with.
I began to doubt my stance
And considered covering up.

I know it’s not my fault.
I am constantly railing against victim blaming.
I am entitled to wear whatever I please & remain unmolested.
I know this.
The problem is my head is faulty; I have this nasty habit of assuming blame.
That of course feeds into my huge guilt complex.

All of this means I was partly furious. How dare this man grab me without permission? I was upset, I cried in public (something I just don’t do) because I was shocked & disgusted.
In the days after the incident fear kicked in.
Along with the afore mentioned guilt & doubt.
My panic attacks returned with gusto.
Going out alone was no longer an option.
The fact that my assault took place in my own neighbourhood made matters even worse.
I had no confidence in myself
And
I was scared of everyone else.

I did all the right things.
I spoke to the staff in the shop, who witnessed the incident,
I reported the matter to the police.
Despite there being CCTV as it occurred in a chemist, the police were unable to get a clear picture of his face
As of today, they have yet to identify him.
I doubt they ever will.

In the aftermath of this event, I stayed at home.
I cancelled appointments, closed the curtains & hid.
I needed time to regroup.
Locked inside my house I felt safe.

That is until one night about a week later, I heard someone in my back garden.
It was around 5am.
My garden is enclosed, so there is no reason for anyone to be back there.
I was immediately alarmed, but frightened to open my curtains.
Instead I made my way from my bedroom through to my living room
Switching on lights as I went.
I hoped that whoever was out there would see the lights,
Know someone was awake
And
go.

Unfortunately that wasn’t the case.
As I entered my kitchen there was a figure at my french doors trying to force the lock.
I flipped the kitchen light & froze.
I was terrified.
Luckily, seeing me was enough to make him run.

I basically had an enormous panic attack on the spot.
I couldn’t move
Was struggling to breath
I didn’t know what to do.

It took me a while to collect myself & call my brother.
He told me to call the police straight away.
The police attended very quickly. They were incredibly reassuring.
It turned out the man had actually broken into a number of homes in the area.
They had a suspect who fit my description.
They returned shortly after with mugshots & I was able to identify him.
Thankfully he was apprehended that day.

Although, I was relieved that he had been arrested, I no longer felt safe in my home.
It suddenly seemed very easy for someone to gain entry.
I live alone & due to my health, I am not always in a position to defend myself.
I was now left in the unfortunate situation of being scared to go out & equally worried about staying in.
My insomnia got worse.
I couldn’t sleep at night at all.
It felt much safer to be awake & prepared for any intruders throughout the night.
I caught as many hours sleep as I could during day light hours.

Everything felt dangerous
And
I was unable to cope.

Yet again Australia saved me.
It came at the perfect time. A break away from my normal environs was exactly what I needed.
Far away & with my huge big brother upstairs I felt protected.
I slept, I built myself up,
I came home in good shape.

I’ve been home about 6 weeks now.
I had been feeling relatively in control.
Sure the the old issues & insecurities are bubbling away underneath
But
I was keeping a lid on them.

Last night disaster struck.
In the middle of night I heard movement in my garden.
I have tried in vain to convince myself it was a fox.
I don’t believe it.
Tonight I am too scared to go to bed again.
My house doesn’t feel secure.
I don’t feel ok.

Australian conversations with the man.

Posted in Uncategorized on 31/01/2014 by doyourememberthattime

Me – I need you to jump on a plane & blow on me.
The man – filth
Me – and bring some ice.
The man – more filth
Me – I’m hot !
The man – even more filth still.

you’re the one for me fatty….

Posted in Uncategorized on 27/11/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i feel good.
it’s been so long since i could honestly say that.
i have some shaky moments
but
mostly, i am happy.

i have rediscovered parts of me that I love.
i don’t know if it is purely because I have escaped my reality
or if there has been a fundamental shift
either way,
everything here is wonderful.

of course seeing my niece everyday is joyous.
she has grown so much.
no longer a baby, my muffin is now a real little girl.
or as she would say, a big kid.
her story telling in incredible
it’s difficult to comprehend how smart & articulate she is.
and
Oh, so funny.
this child had developed her own unique sense of humour.
i can’t get enough.
our connection is still do strong
it doesn’t feel like we’ve every been apart.
to not enjoy life in her company is impossible.
I slept with her the night I arrived,
lying beside her little warm body felt like coming home.
in the morning she threw her arms around me & said,
‘ I’ve missed you so much ‘
unprompted, straight from her heart.
it was one of the greatest moments of my life.
so, yes, she is my medicine.
always been.
that will never change.

there is so much more.
i like me in australia.
down under I talk to handsome men in hotel bars.
without fear.
i do not question my entitlement to do so
and
i’m not afraid.
he’s into me
i’m sexy
i like it.

i’m wearing clothes i would never consider at home .
my body is enjoyable.
my fat, pale,scarred self is beautiful.
sure people stare,
but
i could not give a fuck.
a manicurist asked about my scars
and
i told her the truth.
no shame, no guilt.
before I know it she is showing me her scars
we talk briefly, but frankly
a new friend is made.
other patrons in the salon overhear
and
we just don’t care.
i am bold.
i am free.

i wander the streets making discoveries.
i go wherever I choose.
i meet people who love my accent
my clothes
my tattoos
they like me.
they think i’m fucking fantastic.

spur of the moment decisions are a breeze.
i get pierced,
but my muffin every single thing i think will please her.
when i have a massage I strip to my knickers without a moments hesitation.
it’s been years since I made an untroubled decision.
i’ve spent hours, years debating the minutiae of my existance.
all that tim terrified that i misstep.
it does not matter.
if i get it wrong,
i can fix it !
who, knew ?

each evening I blow bubbles with my girl on the deck
then we watch the sunset.
i witness the sky putting on it’s show,
i listen to the crickets & lorikeets.
It’s a living breathing wall of sound.
it embraces me
and
this is the magical bit,
i think of nothing.
i live the moment.
I soak it all up & acknowledge that I am experiencing something awesome.
in australia, I say that word
because everything is awesome,
i am awesome.

i sleep.
almost every night.
exactly like a normal person.
i rest
and
wake early feeling refreshed.
can you imagine that ?
i haven’t slept like this in 15yrs.
it’s a revelation
and
i know the secret
don’t worry
don’t think
Just do.

that is the key to it all.
enjoy this moment.
take a deep breath
and
know it’s ok to be ok.

i’m now a woman who can take three planes & fly across the world alone.
i can deal with a dubian wild goose chase for a boarding pass
and
a non existent flight in melbourne.
i made it.
i did it.

Yes, i have pain.
I faint & for the last few weeks I have rarely been able to feel any sensation on my fingers it toes.
i believe it will pass.
i don’t panic
and
most importantly,
i do not hurt myself.

i have uncovered the remnants of a girl I thought was gone forever.
maybe it’s my girl
perhaps it’s the sun
or
those damn kangaroos.
whatever combination of mystic elements brought her back,
i want her to stay.

leaving all of this is going to be so very hard.
please,
let me bring myself home.

for the first time in so long i can see that i’m allowed this.
i deserve to be happy.

i’m ready to hit play
&
restart my life.

love is the answer….

Posted in Uncategorized on 27/11/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I writing with my girl on my lap.
I feel complete.
In a moment I’m going to tickle her
And
Yodel ( she loves that)
Her little face will erupt into the sweetest grin,
Giggles will bubble forth,
This is happiness.
The best things in life really are free.