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shelter from the storm….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 03/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

October was a rough month.
I was sexually assaulted by a complete stranger in a branch of boots,
this really shook me.
I already have difficulty getting on my own at times.
The assault increased my fear.
I had experienced almost an identical incident about 10yrs ago.
The repeat left me wondering if there was something about me that invited this.
It didn’t help that my breasts were the target of both attacks,
I have a very large bust
Since my teens they have attracted a lot of unwelcome attention.
It’s something I have come to live with,
I ignore the comments
I refuse to restrict my wardrobe
I am not going to hide.
In short, it has become just a part of my life.
However, a stranger actually touching me is more than I can deal with.
I began to doubt my stance
And considered covering up.

I know it’s not my fault.
I am constantly railing against victim blaming.
I am entitled to wear whatever I please & remain unmolested.
I know this.
The problem is my head is faulty; I have this nasty habit of assuming blame.
That of course feeds into my huge guilt complex.

All of this means I was partly furious. How dare this man grab me without permission? I was upset, I cried in public (something I just don’t do) because I was shocked & disgusted.
In the days after the incident fear kicked in.
Along with the afore mentioned guilt & doubt.
My panic attacks returned with gusto.
Going out alone was no longer an option.
The fact that my assault took place in my own neighbourhood made matters even worse.
I had no confidence in myself
I was scared of everyone else.

I did all the right things.
I spoke to the staff in the shop, who witnessed the incident,
I reported the matter to the police.
Despite there being CCTV as it occurred in a chemist, the police were unable to get a clear picture of his face
As of today, they have yet to identify him.
I doubt they ever will.

In the aftermath of this event, I stayed at home.
I cancelled appointments, closed the curtains & hid.
I needed time to regroup.
Locked inside my house I felt safe.

That is until one night about a week later, I heard someone in my back garden.
It was around 5am.
My garden is enclosed, so there is no reason for anyone to be back there.
I was immediately alarmed, but frightened to open my curtains.
Instead I made my way from my bedroom through to my living room
Switching on lights as I went.
I hoped that whoever was out there would see the lights,
Know someone was awake

Unfortunately that wasn’t the case.
As I entered my kitchen there was a figure at my french doors trying to force the lock.
I flipped the kitchen light & froze.
I was terrified.
Luckily, seeing me was enough to make him run.

I basically had an enormous panic attack on the spot.
I couldn’t move
Was struggling to breath
I didn’t know what to do.

It took me a while to collect myself & call my brother.
He told me to call the police straight away.
The police attended very quickly. They were incredibly reassuring.
It turned out the man had actually broken into a number of homes in the area.
They had a suspect who fit my description.
They returned shortly after with mugshots & I was able to identify him.
Thankfully he was apprehended that day.

Although, I was relieved that he had been arrested, I no longer felt safe in my home.
It suddenly seemed very easy for someone to gain entry.
I live alone & due to my health, I am not always in a position to defend myself.
I was now left in the unfortunate situation of being scared to go out & equally worried about staying in.
My insomnia got worse.
I couldn’t sleep at night at all.
It felt much safer to be awake & prepared for any intruders throughout the night.
I caught as many hours sleep as I could during day light hours.

Everything felt dangerous
I was unable to cope.

Yet again Australia saved me.
It came at the perfect time. A break away from my normal environs was exactly what I needed.
Far away & with my huge big brother upstairs I felt protected.
I slept, I built myself up,
I came home in good shape.

I’ve been home about 6 weeks now.
I had been feeling relatively in control.
Sure the the old issues & insecurities are bubbling away underneath
I was keeping a lid on them.

Last night disaster struck.
In the middle of night I heard movement in my garden.
I have tried in vain to convince myself it was a fox.
I don’t believe it.
Tonight I am too scared to go to bed again.
My house doesn’t feel secure.
I don’t feel ok.

Australian conversations with the man.

Posted in Uncategorized on 31/01/2014 by doyourememberthattime

Me – I need you to jump on a plane & blow on me.
The man – filth
Me – and bring some ice.
The man – more filth
Me – I’m hot !
The man – even more filth still.

you’re the one for me fatty….

Posted in Uncategorized on 27/11/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i feel good.
it’s been so long since i could honestly say that.
i have some shaky moments
mostly, i am happy.

i have rediscovered parts of me that I love.
i don’t know if it is purely because I have escaped my reality
or if there has been a fundamental shift
either way,
everything here is wonderful.

of course seeing my niece everyday is joyous.
she has grown so much.
no longer a baby, my muffin is now a real little girl.
or as she would say, a big kid.
her story telling in incredible
it’s difficult to comprehend how smart & articulate she is.
Oh, so funny.
this child had developed her own unique sense of humour.
i can’t get enough.
our connection is still do strong
it doesn’t feel like we’ve every been apart.
to not enjoy life in her company is impossible.
I slept with her the night I arrived,
lying beside her little warm body felt like coming home.
in the morning she threw her arms around me & said,
‘ I’ve missed you so much ‘
unprompted, straight from her heart.
it was one of the greatest moments of my life.
so, yes, she is my medicine.
always been.
that will never change.

there is so much more.
i like me in australia.
down under I talk to handsome men in hotel bars.
without fear.
i do not question my entitlement to do so
i’m not afraid.
he’s into me
i’m sexy
i like it.

i’m wearing clothes i would never consider at home .
my body is enjoyable.
my fat, pale,scarred self is beautiful.
sure people stare,
i could not give a fuck.
a manicurist asked about my scars
i told her the truth.
no shame, no guilt.
before I know it she is showing me her scars
we talk briefly, but frankly
a new friend is made.
other patrons in the salon overhear
we just don’t care.
i am bold.
i am free.

i wander the streets making discoveries.
i go wherever I choose.
i meet people who love my accent
my clothes
my tattoos
they like me.
they think i’m fucking fantastic.

spur of the moment decisions are a breeze.
i get pierced,
but my muffin every single thing i think will please her.
when i have a massage I strip to my knickers without a moments hesitation.
it’s been years since I made an untroubled decision.
i’ve spent hours, years debating the minutiae of my existance.
all that tim terrified that i misstep.
it does not matter.
if i get it wrong,
i can fix it !
who, knew ?

each evening I blow bubbles with my girl on the deck
then we watch the sunset.
i witness the sky putting on it’s show,
i listen to the crickets & lorikeets.
It’s a living breathing wall of sound.
it embraces me
this is the magical bit,
i think of nothing.
i live the moment.
I soak it all up & acknowledge that I am experiencing something awesome.
in australia, I say that word
because everything is awesome,
i am awesome.

i sleep.
almost every night.
exactly like a normal person.
i rest
wake early feeling refreshed.
can you imagine that ?
i haven’t slept like this in 15yrs.
it’s a revelation
i know the secret
don’t worry
don’t think
Just do.

that is the key to it all.
enjoy this moment.
take a deep breath
know it’s ok to be ok.

i’m now a woman who can take three planes & fly across the world alone.
i can deal with a dubian wild goose chase for a boarding pass
a non existent flight in melbourne.
i made it.
i did it.

Yes, i have pain.
I faint & for the last few weeks I have rarely been able to feel any sensation on my fingers it toes.
i believe it will pass.
i don’t panic
most importantly,
i do not hurt myself.

i have uncovered the remnants of a girl I thought was gone forever.
maybe it’s my girl
perhaps it’s the sun
those damn kangaroos.
whatever combination of mystic elements brought her back,
i want her to stay.

leaving all of this is going to be so very hard.
let me bring myself home.

for the first time in so long i can see that i’m allowed this.
i deserve to be happy.

i’m ready to hit play
restart my life.

love is the answer….

Posted in Uncategorized on 27/11/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I writing with my girl on my lap.
I feel complete.
In a moment I’m going to tickle her
Yodel ( she loves that)
Her little face will erupt into the sweetest grin,
Giggles will bubble forth,
This is happiness.
The best things in life really are free.

let’s talk about sex….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 30/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i’m horny.
actually, I’m horny almost all of time.
i know part of depression is supposed to be a loss of libido,
but this has never been the case for me.

sex is a drug
an invigorating
powerful drug.

when I’m fucking I’m not worrying
i’m not terrified
i am completely in the moment.
focused on mmine & my partner’s bodies
how good we can make each other feel.

sex is the only thing that switches my brain off.

sex for me, offers the same release as self-harm
in a positive, non-damaging way.
sex makes me feel good.
the more physical the better.
i like it rough
i am totally up for some kink
in an ideal world I would be getting it on more than once a day.

i’m always safe.
i don’t sleep with strangers.
i have some ex’s i’m on good terms with who step in when I am unattached.
i need some sort of connection with a person to enjoy being dirty with them
i have to like them
i want to lie in bed afterwards & have a gab.

this year in particular
i have realised how therapeutic sex can be.

i have an almost insatiable appetite for cock
(& lately pussy too)
woman are constantly told they ought not to behave this way
i am sure many folk would call me slut
i don’t care

there are very few things in life that make me feel content & in control
i refuse to feel guilty for indulging in an activity that does.

ain’t no mountain high enough…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 30/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

every friday or saturday night I facetime my girl.
it’s first thing in the morning in australia
so, my muffin is just starting her day.
from the moment her little face flashes up on my screen
i am happy.

our calls are always a joy.
she dances for me
tells me incredible stories of her own creation
fills me in on her latest discoveries
be they monster high
or god help us, Justin beiber.
she is amazing.

this child remembers everything.
her memory of events when she was tiny, tiny astound me.
she is so smart
she cracks me up.

as much as I love our facetime,
they also break my heart just a little bit
i am missing so much.
my girl swims now
she knows her alphabet
the cats she draws are fantastic
she now says awesome in an aussie accent
on friday night a wolf sneaked into her bedroom ( don’t worry, it was a friendly wolf who just wanted to say hello & check out her Justin beiber songs)
i want to be there for every moment.
i want to know what’s happening in her life as it happens.

so, after more than a year of longing for my muffin
14 months without cuddles
reading her bedtime stories
bathing her
holding her hand
or kissing that pretty face,
i am going to Australia.

I have saved

the time has almost come
i’ll be spending 6 glorious weeks with the most delightful person who ever lived.

auntie auntie will be there real soon
i am going to smother you with love
adore every second of it.

still enough time to figure out how to chase my blues away….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 30/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i’m not cutting.
partly because I simply lack the energy it requires
also because, damn it, I need to beat this demon.

it’s hard
so hard

i am still awaiting the day when I do not feel the urge
to be honest I’m losing hope that it will come.

there is still a daily battle
the constant guilt haunts me
i miss the pain
the blood
Oh god, do i miss the blood.

my emotions are so overwhelming
it becomes hard just to sit in my own skin
an assault on my flesh would be so welcome
the relief of a savage limb would be intense.
blood would wash my sins away
like a baptism.

i have an intermittent slide show playing in my head
of all the glorious destruction I could wreak upon myself
this is would be so much more bearable if I had a deadline
if I knew this would stop one day
if I knew I would win
i could stand the pain.

it’s got to be worth it….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 22/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I have had a couple of emails & lots of search terms on the topic of self-harm & dating. I can’t claim to be an expert, but I do date & I’m happy to share my tips.
I’d like to start by saying no one has ever flat out rejected me solely on account of my scars or my cutting. That is not to say that self-harm has never caused a problem in relationships, but no one has run away screaming.
I find that being upfront and forthright has worked best for me. On a first date with someone new I will wear something that allows a little bit of scarring to be seen. This is scary, but less scary than getting to know & like someone all the while worrying about how and when to tell them your secret. It also gives anyone who can’t handle scars or their implications a chance to bail before anyone gets attached. Be prepared for some lingering glances when they think you aren’t looking. It’s also possible that they may ask questions right away, whenever they do ask, I always answer briefly, but honestly. If you develop a relationship with this person any lies you tell will be uncovered. Again it allows either party to walk away if they aren’t comfortable with the route the conversation takes.
I have been internet dating & I deliberately uploaded one picture that shows some scars. I think this is a good idea as wards off anyone who has a real issue with self-harm or scars. As we all know, people can be crueller online than they would be in person, so weeding out the bastards early can only be a plus.
I think once the relationship progresses & people start to care about each, the scars are less of a problem than they actual self-harming behaviour. I’ve had men admit that my scars disturb them a little, make them feel sad or protective, but never enough to stop them wanting to have a relationship with me. I know a lot of people worry that their scars make them unattractive; I use to be scared that mine robbed me of any desirability. I have been reassured by men that I’ve dated that after the initial shock; they mostly cease to really notice them. Certainly no one has ever found them so distasteful as to be turned off.
If you are still actively self-harming relationships can be difficult. Obviously it’s distressing to know that someone you care about is in so much pain. There is no easy way around that. I’m not relationship expert or counsellor, but what I can tell you is be truthful with your partner. Open up, let them support you if they able. Love & self-harm (or any mental illness) are not mutually exclusive. When you meet the right person, it can work.
Having said that, there are pitfalls. Don’t be afraid to walk away, if the other party is detrimental to your mental health. Please don’t feel that you have to change or ‘get better’ for someone. Recovery is a personal journey. It will only work if you’re doing it for yourself. You don’t need anyone in your life that makes you feel guilty. Nor do you want someone who is ashamed or embarrassed of your problems. Remember you are worth just as much as everyone else. Be brave and stand up for yourself if needs be.

In conclusion I would say, go for it. There are kind, decent people out there who will see the whole you. The right person will try to understand. There are lots of wonderful men & women just waiting to meet you. You can have lots of fun trying new people on & seeing who fits best. You’re good enough as you are. Keep telling yourself that until you start to believe it.

one day like this a year will see me right…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 22/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i went for a walk today.
i’ve been looking after my brother’s dog
i took him to the park for a walk with my sister & her dog.

it doesn’t sound like much,
but it was wonderful.

I felt completely at ease
entirely safe with my sister.
the dogs gave me a focus beyond my anxiety
their energy,
their joy just to be running around in the grass
was infectious.

it crept up on me
before I knew it,
i was feeling good.

the fresh air
the sounds of kids playing
laughing my sister
petting the boys when they came galloping towards us, seeking our approval.
it was all good.

i felt free
my mind was clear
i was in the moment.
it was so refreshing.

it was the reminder that I needed that life can be good.
released from the battle in my head
the cage of my painful body.
sometimes, everything can be ok.

today was a good day.
i needed it.

and now i’m opened for suggestions….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on 15/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

over the last few weeks i seem to have gained a new bunch of readers. i have also been having a look at the search terms that brought people here, which has led to me wonder if there is anything my readers would like to me write about ?
i’m open to suggestions.
email or comment & i will try my best to address the questions/issues on your minds.