Archive for addiction

you bleed just to know you’re alive…

Posted in mental illness, recovery, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 12/03/2014 by doyourememberthattime

self-harm is my abiding companion
it’s that nagging feeling that you’ve forgotten something vital
for me, that sensation is perpetual.

no setback is too small to trigger my blood lust
every emotion brings with it an attendant need to scar my body.

i miss my skin’s various & simultaneous stages of distress
gaping, fresh, untreated wounds
tidy blue stitches
thick scabs, ripe for picking
hot swollen masses of infected cuts.

i yearn for the pain
and
the itch
and
mess
and
blood

i dream of blood
flashbacks are dripping in it
inside my head is a swimming throng of red need.

the desire is pounding in my chest
each beat screams
cut.

not obeying is perverse
wielding a blade would silence everything
as my blood cooled
calm would rule.

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i keep bleeding….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 11/06/2013 by doyourememberthattime

one more cut
i need it

i’m drowning.
in desire
i feel it fizzing in my stomach
i am overwhelmed by the complusion to bleed
to drift away on that peaceful tide.

i long to tear myself apart
savage
searing
carnage

i have an obligation
to administer the punishment i deserve
i must bleed

do you think you’re crazy ………

Posted in depression, mental health, self harm with tags , , , , , , on 02/06/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 hair needs washed.

 

wash it now

 

or wait until morning ?

 

shower

 

bath ?

why does it matter ?

 wash damn hair

 

or i could just cut.

 

then i would feel calmer

 

&

 

i could make the hair decision.

 

no

 

no cutting.

 

i am not supposed to lose any blood.

 

i have no energy to go to a&e.

 

i’m already in pain

 

i’m exhausted

 

just wash my hair

 

legs are stubbly

 

shave me legs

 

shower, then.

 

then i’d have to blow dry hair before bed.

 

wait until morning

stop stressing

 

hate being in a rush in the mornings

 

i have a lot on tomorrow

i have time for a shower

i can handle having a fucking shower

 

why can’t my hair just wash itself ?

 

cut

 

it’s been days

 

then i could get things done

 

it would take the edge off

 

but

 

it will take such a long time

 

make such a mess

 

i might be sick again

calm down

 

take a sleeping pill

 

go to bed

 

deal with the hair in the morning.

 

i feel grubby

 

don’t want to go to bed dirty

 

a hot bath would feel good.

 

cutting would feel better.

 

it would stop everything for a little while.

 

a little while would be enough

 

a small cut would been enough

 

it’s never enough.

my fever burns me deeper than you’ll ever know

Posted in depression, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 19/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

it is ok to feel my emotions.
i’m told.
learn to deal with the feelings as they come.
they’re just feelings.
they can’t hurt me.

except, i don’t know what that means

and they do hurt me.

do normal people feel what i feel and cope ?
or do i experience something different.
it doesn’t seem possible to just sith with these emotions and still be ok.

how do i tell myself i am ok ?
i feel like i am drowning.
when the sandness is so overwhelming that my life is meaningless.
all i can see are days and weeks of sinking further under the tide.

i can stay awake all night
tortured by a sadness tthat is bigger than me

or

i can reach for that shiny blade
and rip it out
let my tears run red.

i want to understand these healthy coping mechanisms
but all i know is blood.

uncomfortably numb

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 08/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

somethings are so big, so awful, so terrifying that the only way to cope is to shut down my mind.

i’m numb.

people ask if i am ok & i tell that i am.

they ask if they can help & i tell them i can manage.

i do what needs to be done.

i make the calls.

i mediate.

i purchase required items.

i smile.

i say everything will be ok.

i wrap my arms around & hold as tight as i can

i say i love you

and i mean it.

i’d do anything to make it better.

i can’t bare to witness the pain.

i’ve switched off.

every part of my mind that is not immediatly required is on standby.

i can conquer this crisis.

i can apply my war paint.

and when i double bolt my door,

i can crumble.

i can stunt my emotions with

diazepam,

codeine,

zopiclone,

ANYTHING

i can slice into my beleagured flesh.

i can watch my blood drain away the panic.

just,

one more pill

one  more cut

pass out

and

do it all again tomorrow.

i, still….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 21/06/2010 by doyourememberthattime

still here, still fucked.
still hacking away at myself.
still hiding in sleep.
still watching sad movies & reading sad books because it’s easier to cry about someone else.
still craving the blood.
still loving the sensation of it trickling down my arm, dripping off my fingers. still in awe of the pool it creates on the floor.
still nothing to equal the wet, slippy, warmth of it.
still no release like watching the red spring from my pale skin, following it’s bright path on my flesh, tracing it’s way to my finger tips.
still need that sharp heat as the scalpel slices my skin, the pain as i scrub the blood from my body.
still feel the fear everytime i cut a little deeper & the satisfatcion that follows.
i still live in a world marked with my blood.
bloody puddles in the carpets, red resovoir in the sink.
still blood on every door handle, every light switch.
my crimson hand print still visible on the bathrrom wall.
still indulging in the ritual,stockpiling the blades, washing the blood soaked towels.
still searching for something sharper.pushing for something deeper.
still, desperate for more blood.

still here, still fucked.