Archive for alone

you took the life right out of me….

Posted in children, family, miscarriage, motherhood, pregnancy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/09/2014 by doyourememberthattime

yesterday was the 14th anniversary of my due date.
that sentence scares me.
in 14yrs my loss hasn’t become any less painful.
nor do i feel any less alone with it.

each year I try to put plans in place
it makes no difference
it always consumes me.

i can’t stop myself from thinking of the landmarks i’ve missed
last night i lay in bed wondering what it would be like to have a teenager sleeping across the hall
would we constantly battling?
would he hate me?
need me simultaneously
could i have raised a responsible young man all by myself?
i really think i could.

i think about first words & first steps
playing him the music I love
watching him discover his own musical tastes.
i daydream of trips to parks
fights about how late he is allowed to stay out.

every year is another milestone i don’t experience
another memory i can’t cherish
there is a gaping hole in my life
there is a huge hole in me
it echoes in everything i do.

with the build up to each anniversary
i hope someone will remember
i want so desperately for someone else to care about my boy
to imagine how he would have enriched our lives
it would mean so much if someone other than me acknowledged his short, short life.
for anyone to want to remember him.

of course, no one does
i don’t have the strength to keep reminding people
it’s just another day to them
no one wants to talk about miscarriage
i don’t think my boy is real to them.

so, i usually spend the day alone
often drinking
piecing together what might have been.

this year feels worse
i am running out of time
lately, having a baby has been a continuous preoccupation
i need to be mum
i am a mum
i don’t know if this wound can ever be healed
hearing a tiny little person call me mummy would start the process.

i can’t replace my darling boy
he’ll always be with me
my arms are empty
my heart is so full.



Beyoncé Heartbeat

everyday is silent & grey….

Posted in chronic illness, mental health, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 05/03/2014 by doyourememberthattime

I had a gastroscopy yesterday. I’ve had one before and whilst it was unpleasant, it was fairly straight forward. Yesterday’s procedure did not go so well. For whatever reason my body didn’t tolerate the procedure well. It became a painful and frightening experience.
I’m ok.
They didn’t find anything life threatening, just further deterioration of my existing conditions. I’m sore and tired, but there is no lasting damage.
So, why do I feel so awful?
It feels pathetic to admit this
It’s because I’m alone.
It would be so nice to have someone to hold my hand through these times. I don’t want to complain because I know I am lucky in lots of ways. I have friends and family who love me. I am grateful for all the help they give me. The truth is there is only so much I can ask of them. They have partners, responsibilities, lives. Hence, most of the time, I am on my own with this.
And it is lonely.
Spending days trapped in my house (&my head) without any human contact. Being ill limits what I can do so much. Pain can override my ability to even read or watch a film. This leaves me alone with my thoughts.
Thoughts that can quickly spiral into dangerous places.
Hope easily slips away when you’re struggling to get out of bed. It feels like my physical health will never improve & that hammers away at any progress I make with my mental health. Reclaiming my life gets further away with each flare up & new diagnosis.
I suppose this post is mostly about me feeling sorry for myself. I’m scared that the life I want is simply not possible now. I’m not sure that anyone in my life really understands how I isolated I am. Nor do I know how to talk about these feelings.
I’m pouring it out here in an attempt to feel maybe even little less alone.

the first cut is the deepest ……..

Posted in miscarriage, self harm with tags , , , , , on 12/06/2011 by doyourememberthattime


i was 19 years old when i began to hurt myself


i didn’t recognise or consider it self harm at the at time.


i would have been familiar of the term


my mum worked in mental health


so, it’s something i would have been aware of


just not something i applied to myself.


i do not know my thought process the first time


i know i was in a lot of pain


i was stuck in an emtionally abusive relationship


i had just miscarried


my so called significant other wouldn’t even take me to the hospital when i began to bleed heavily


he went to the student union to play pool & have pint.


i think that gives a fairly good insight into our relationship.


i was trying so hard to be ok


i sat & passed my exams at uni.


i actually did really well


i tried to fool everyone that i was coping


i tried to hide how bad things were at home


i was working to pay all the bills


whilst he spent his money on drugs ,booze


and generally having fun


i loved him


i was addicted to him


my life revolved around him


i was trapped




i couldn’t leave him




he knew it.


he wouldn’t let me talk about our baby


he was glad he died


he didn’t want anything to do with pregnancy


the miscarriage was a huge relief for him.


everything was so wrong


i was so scared






i can understand being desperate


i didn’t want to admit i’d failed


all those people who told me we were too young


or he wasn’t right for me


were correct


he was killing me




i had already lost so much


i would never hold my son


never kiss him goodnight


i had failed at the most important task i had ever been entrusted with.


i couldn’t keep him safe


i just couldn’t bear to lose anything else.


i clung on hoping things would change


hoping he might one day love me enough


or at all


i don’t know when the thought crept into my head


i don’t know how i knew it would soothe me


maybe i just wanted help


perhaps i thought he would see how much pain i was in


there is a chance i could have been punnishing myself.


i don’t know


i do know that once i started,


i couldn’t stop.


i had found something to get me through the days


it could be argued that self harm kept me alive


the only thing i know for sure is that i would give anything to know then what i know now.


i wish i had known where this would lead


i wish i knew what i would become.