Archive for alone

you took the life right out of me….

Posted in children, family, miscarriage, motherhood, pregnancy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/09/2014 by doyourememberthattime

yesterday was the 14th anniversary of my due date.
that sentence scares me.
in 14yrs my loss hasn’t become any less painful.
nor do i feel any less alone with it.

each year I try to put plans in place
distraction.
it makes no difference
it always consumes me.

i can’t stop myself from thinking of the landmarks i’ve missed
last night i lay in bed wondering what it would be like to have a teenager sleeping across the hall
would we constantly battling?
would he hate me?
&
need me simultaneously
could i have raised a responsible young man all by myself?
i really think i could.

i think about first words & first steps
playing him the music I love
watching him discover his own musical tastes.
i daydream of trips to parks
sleepovers
fights about how late he is allowed to stay out.

every year is another milestone i don’t experience
another memory i can’t cherish
there is a gaping hole in my life
no
there is a huge hole in me
and
it echoes in everything i do.

with the build up to each anniversary
i hope someone will remember
i want so desperately for someone else to care about my boy
to imagine how he would have enriched our lives
it would mean so much if someone other than me acknowledged his short, short life.
for anyone to want to remember him.

of course, no one does
and
i don’t have the strength to keep reminding people
it’s just another day to them
no one wants to talk about miscarriage
i don’t think my boy is real to them.

so, i usually spend the day alone
often drinking
crying
piecing together what might have been.

T
this year feels worse
i am running out of time
lately, having a baby has been a continuous preoccupation
i need to be mum
i am a mum
i don’t know if this wound can ever be healed
but
hearing a tiny little person call me mummy would start the process.

i can’t replace my darling boy
he’ll always be with me
but
my arms are empty
&
my heart is so full.

 

 

Beyoncé Heartbeat

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everyday is silent & grey….

Posted in chronic illness, mental health, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 05/03/2014 by doyourememberthattime

I had a gastroscopy yesterday. I’ve had one before and whilst it was unpleasant, it was fairly straight forward. Yesterday’s procedure did not go so well. For whatever reason my body didn’t tolerate the procedure well. It became a painful and frightening experience.
I’m ok.
They didn’t find anything life threatening, just further deterioration of my existing conditions. I’m sore and tired, but there is no lasting damage.
So, why do I feel so awful?
It feels pathetic to admit this
But
It’s because I’m alone.
It would be so nice to have someone to hold my hand through these times. I don’t want to complain because I know I am lucky in lots of ways. I have friends and family who love me. I am grateful for all the help they give me. The truth is there is only so much I can ask of them. They have partners, responsibilities, lives. Hence, most of the time, I am on my own with this.
And it is lonely.
Spending days trapped in my house (&my head) without any human contact. Being ill limits what I can do so much. Pain can override my ability to even read or watch a film. This leaves me alone with my thoughts.
Thoughts that can quickly spiral into dangerous places.
Hope easily slips away when you’re struggling to get out of bed. It feels like my physical health will never improve & that hammers away at any progress I make with my mental health. Reclaiming my life gets further away with each flare up & new diagnosis.
I suppose this post is mostly about me feeling sorry for myself. I’m scared that the life I want is simply not possible now. I’m not sure that anyone in my life really understands how I isolated I am. Nor do I know how to talk about these feelings.
I’m pouring it out here in an attempt to feel maybe even little less alone.

the first cut is the deepest ……..

Posted in miscarriage, self harm with tags , , , , , on 12/06/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i was 19 years old when i began to hurt myself

 

i didn’t recognise or consider it self harm at the at time.

 

i would have been familiar of the term

 

my mum worked in mental health

 

so, it’s something i would have been aware of

 

just not something i applied to myself.

 

i do not know my thought process the first time

 

i know i was in a lot of pain

 

i was stuck in an emtionally abusive relationship

 

i had just miscarried

 

my so called significant other wouldn’t even take me to the hospital when i began to bleed heavily

 

he went to the student union to play pool & have pint.

 

i think that gives a fairly good insight into our relationship.

 

i was trying so hard to be ok

 

i sat & passed my exams at uni.

 

i actually did really well

 

i tried to fool everyone that i was coping

 

i tried to hide how bad things were at home

 

i was working to pay all the bills

 

whilst he spent his money on drugs ,booze

 

and generally having fun

 

i loved him

 

i was addicted to him

 

my life revolved around him

 

i was trapped

 

because

 

i couldn’t leave him

 

&

 

he knew it.

 

he wouldn’t let me talk about our baby

 

he was glad he died

 

he didn’t want anything to do with pregnancy

 

the miscarriage was a huge relief for him.

 

everything was so wrong

 

i was so scared

 

heartbroken

 

alone

 

i can understand being desperate

 

i didn’t want to admit i’d failed

 

all those people who told me we were too young

 

or he wasn’t right for me

 

were correct

 

he was killing me

 

but

 

i had already lost so much

 

i would never hold my son

 

never kiss him goodnight

 

i had failed at the most important task i had ever been entrusted with.

 

i couldn’t keep him safe

 

i just couldn’t bear to lose anything else.

 

i clung on hoping things would change

 

hoping he might one day love me enough

 

or at all

 

i don’t know when the thought crept into my head

 

i don’t know how i knew it would soothe me

 

maybe i just wanted help

 

perhaps i thought he would see how much pain i was in

 

there is a chance i could have been punnishing myself.

 

i don’t know

 

i do know that once i started,

 

i couldn’t stop.

 

i had found something to get me through the days

 

it could be argued that self harm kept me alive

 

the only thing i know for sure is that i would give anything to know then what i know now.

 

i wish i had known where this would lead

 

i wish i knew what i would become.