Archive for babies

i’ve looked at life from both sides now…

Posted in children, chronic illness, family, motherhood with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 11/07/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i have written about my longing for children before.
i’ve known i want a family for a very long time. it has just never been possible.
i was too young
or
too sick
or
too single
i did always mostly believe it would happen.

that hope has been waning for a few years now.
i am 33 years old.
reproductively challenged
single
i have a history or mental & physical health problems
i am certainly not wealthy
the odds are stacked against me.

the desire does not lesson.
as everyone around me begins to start a family
(even those who didn’t think they wanted to)
i feel i am running out of time.
and
i’m scared.

i know i am just another woman with a ticking biological clock
nothing unique
or possibly even interesting in my situation.
the unoriginality of my problem does not diminish the pain.

i find myself increasingly obsessing over my options.
a solution has not presented itself.
i don’t want to imagine my life without little ones of my own
but
i can’t envisage a way to make my family happen.

i have no idea where this post is going
i’ve become so overwhelmed with the gap between my needs & my reality that it has just spilt out.
i am bursting with maternal instinct.
i’m ready.
i am so ready.

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how wondefrul life is, now you’re in the world

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 29/12/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i love that you still call me auntie auntie when you are tired
they way you lift my head to look at the freckles in my head
it’s adorable when you shake your little bum
whilst dancing
how much you love my handbag
and
how you drag it about if it is too heavy to lift

it blows me away
when
you excuse yourself after burping
or
bless me
if i sneeze

you can not imagine how funny it is
to
watch
you boss about thr nig giant dogs
telling them
to
calm down
and behave
& how sweet it is when you pat my head
and tell me good boy
as though
i
too
am a big lumbering pup

it breaks my heart when you cry for me
i hate to leave
when
you’re asking to ahve your shoes on
& saying let’s go.

i am so proud to listen to you
recite your colours
count to ten
name dinosaurs
and
sing your songs
oh, how you love to sing

it makes me feel warm inside
to watch you sleep
feel you little hand grasp mine
the way you sometimes
wake
and
check
i am still there

your sneaky attempts to get out of bed
astound me
such a clever little mind
always noting what works
trying to charm me
if all else fails

your total lack of fear
is wonderful
be it sliding down big schutes
or
wanting to pick up giant spiders

your natural curiosity
and
propensity for joy
gives me a reason to breathe
knowing i can make you laugh
and
squel delight
provide me with purpose

these and so many other things
brighten my days
this is just a tiny snippet
of how amazing you are

believe me baby,
i never understood
how wonderful life was
until you were in my world.