Archive for bad habit

i’ve tried everything….

Posted in depression, mental health, mental illness, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 04/07/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i have fallen into another slump.
i rarely know why this happens.
occasionally there are clear reasons for my depression worsening.
but, not this time.

life is struggle at moment
the urge to harm myself is overpowering
i am told the desire will leave me
i continue to wait for that peace.

in the mean time I try to live
i feel as though there is something inside me trying to break out
i can’t relax
it is impossible to just be.

i have resorted to doing, doing, doing
i do housework every morning.
i’ve cleaned out drawers & cupboards
organised my wardrobe
i’ve scrubbed every surface in the house
everything I eat is cooked from scratch
i bake
the next three months have been budgeted
i am keeping a detailed food diary
my life has never been so regimented.

i force myself to socialise
close friends are invited for dinner
i see films with my sister
plans are made with friends in other cities
i volunteer
i’m reading voraciously
my writing output has gathered pace
self-manicures have become works of art
my hair is styled, my legs are smooth.

from the outside i seem to be doing great.
my productivity has soared.
i appear to be creating order.

the truth is my drive is desperation.
a constant need to escape an unbearable internal chasm
if I don’t keep moving
i will butcher myself.
my increasingly despairing attempts to grasp control are failing.
i am left sore
&
sad
&
exhausted.

i long to curl up in my bed and hide
but
my spiteful inner voice will not allow it
there is a constant coaxing to shed my blood,
a continuous stream of gory images.
all accompanied by heavy hopelessness
&
the suffocating knowledge that it will return.
no matter how much progress I make
or
what heights of contentment I reach
i will feel this way again.

thank you for you pity, you are too kind…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 08/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I had a bout of ill health last week & once again found myself lying on a gurney in A&E in considerable pain. This has become a feature of life, one that I have reluctantly come to terms with. With the exception of one thing, I cannot bring myself to accept the constant focus on my self harm. No matter what I present with or how much pain I am, there are always the questions. I am quizzed about my scars by nurses, Drs & auxiliaries alike. The same questions over and over,
Does it hurt?
Why?
How?
How long?
And with the questions come the judgements. I’m told I’m making it harder for anyone to love me, I’m ruining myself, I’m smarter than this, It’s dangerous. My body somehow becomes their property. The paw my scars. Yes, the touch me and are chagrined if I object. The scars blind them. They no longer see a patient. They see a crazy woman. Everything I say is now doubted. Despite my long and well documented medical history, Regardless of the fact I am mostly presenting due to a flare up of an already diagnosed condition, my mental health is called into question. I am asked humiliating question. Have I poisoned myself or hurt myself? How is my mood? Do I need them to call a carer?
I am no longer me. My symptoms are not simply diagnosed and treated. First they must discover if I am just crazy. All the while, I am suffering. The conversation is repeated with each new dry and nurse. Sometimes the cleaners and auxiliaries give their opinions too.
Mostly they branch into two camps. Firstly, the people who pity me. Who think I am some pathetic little girl. They pet me and treat me like a 5yr old. They offer platitudes & some frankly stupid advice. They are desperate to call someone to be responsible for me. They do a lot of touching & exclaiming. They can’t conceive that I am a strong, intelligent adult who is capable of looking after herself. So, they reduce everything I am into sad little bundle & except me to be grateful for their characterisation.
Now, we come to the haters. They think I am a waste of their time. I am stupid, self-indulgent, and stubborn. They grudge treating me, they especially dislike administering pain relief. Obviously if I have self-harmed, I must also a drug seeker. I’ve waited in A&E for hours with pancreatitis with nothing more than paracetamol because some dr objected to me having a history of mental illness. This group can’t separate the psychological from the physical. One must always be in some way linked to other. I have caused this. I am definitely to blame & they spare no time in telling me so. They believe nothing I tell them & never apologise when my records show that everything I have said is accurate. They have indiscrete & unflattering conversation about me. Meaning that other patients can now join in this judgy little game. They say ugly things & when they finally grudgingly have to offer some treatment, they make sure I know that I don’t deserve it.
Occasionally I come across someone who treats with compassion & respect. I am so utterly grateful. I shouldn’t have to be.

even if i quit, there’s not a chance in hell i’d stop….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 15/10/2012 by doyourememberthattime

25 days.
you can not imagine how long that is.
25 days without picking up a scalpel
without that first cut
without blood
without pain
without causing harm.
25 days wihtout being me.

i don’t really know how to live this way

my mind is constantly thinking of new ways to hurt myself
not hurting myself feels unnatural
wrong
i’m not losing blood
i miss the sight of it
and the knowledge
that the blood is gone

i like to know that i’ve suffered
that i’m not getting off lightly
i deserve the pain
and
everything else that goes with it

i don’t know who i am when i’m not punnishing myself

it feels far from permanent.
the lure of the blade is still so strong

it’s 25 days of crushing guilt
and
just
a tiny bit of
hope.

makes me want to give myself a beating….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 13/02/2012 by doyourememberthattime

the last few sessions with my pyschologist have been revealing.
i have admitted things
that i’ve never
voiced
before

i’ve also been confronted with ideas that i had previously rejected.
but
cannnot now discount.

the most troubling of these
is
punnishment
i have always railed against the idea
that i self harm to
punnish
myself
yet, through our recent conversations
i found myself saying things
that are usually kept within my head
and
when i voice them
it is hard to dismiss the facts
i’m doing penance.

i feel i must atone for the sin of
failing
i have fallen far short of my expected reach
i have not fulfilled expectations
my foolish decisions
and
weakness
impact on others

i am not as good a person
as
i should
be

i must make ammends

i deserve what i do to myself
i’ve always known that
i now realise
that
there is a part of me
who believes
i mustn’t be allowed to get away my shortcomings

i am not up to scratch
it is not ok to
allow a man to destory you
to fail your unborn child
to sink into depression
and
let
your life
fall apart

there should be consequences
and until i prove myself worthy
i must exact retribution
upon myself

how do you make something of value from your life
when you consider yourself to be
valueless ?