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won’t you please,please help me…..

Posted in depression, family, friendship, mental health, self destruction, self harm, therapy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 08/04/2012 by doyourememberthattime

after conducting a small survey with close friends & family members.

i decided my therapist may be correct

i do indeed have an unrealistic perception

of

my situation

 

i am still not entirely won over

but

i’m convinced enough to be

frightened

 

i reviewed lots of the handouts i have received from my psychologist

and thought a great deal about how i could reduce my

self harming

behaviours

 

i wanted to reduce my opportunity

and

my desire

to cut

 

i filled up my week with things i thought i could do

if i really pushed myself

 

i accepted invitations from two close friends

along with already planned time with my little ones

& agreed to look after my brothers dog

 

i kept busy.

i got dressed

i did my hair & applied make up

i ate well

and

attended to much needed housework

i ticked so many of the advised boxes

 

i didn’t want to do most of these things

they were tiring

and

scary

and stressful

but, it’s what i have been encouraged to do.

 

the result ?

 

i feel worse

in every

possible

way

my mind and body are worn out.

interacting with the world has been horrendous

 

i felt close to breaking  last night

i cried for hours

had an episode of vomiting

finally drugged myself to sleep

 

this morning i woke up to the dread of another day

i’ve been on edge

i can’t settle

everything feels wrong

i’m in pain

i feel nauseous

and

utterly exhausted

 

most of all

i am overwhelmingly sad

of course this leads back to my usual destructive tendencies

with all it’s predictable problems

satisfaction is hard to accomplish

and

the calm is brief

 

i simply do not know how to live anymore

neither my own maladaptive

nor

the recommended

supposedly healthy

techniques work

 

i try

i engage in therapy

i take medication

i attempt to follow advice

nothing helps

 

i see the years slipping by

and

i hate myself for wasting them

i am desperate

help me

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i don’t want you, but i need you…..

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 26/01/2012 by doyourememberthattime

it’s hard to write about this
as
i really don’t understand it

my mind seems to have taken over
i no longer “want” to cut
want isn’t the right word
i’ve never wanted to do it
but
more & more
i actively
don’t
want to hurt myself

i’m so tired
it’s getting harder
not more painful
just physically
exhausting
it takes so much out of me

it’s never enough
i can’t attain the same calm
i am always dissatisfied with my work

i’d always been led to believe that i did this because
it worked
that when the balance tipped
and
the negative outweighed the gain
i
would
stop

i think i have reached that point.
i am physically deteriating
and
mentally sinking.

i am not stopping

if anything the comuplsion grows stronger
i can’t stop

my head will not be quiet
there’s no rest
until
i cut

at the moment i am giving myself
every
other
day
off

i feel so guilty.
it is weak to need break
how dare i go so easy on
me

the only thing i gain from slicing myself up
is a temporary end to the battle in my head
i never win
if i don’t hurt
i berate myself
and
if i do
i’ve failed

so, i continue
for the reprieve
the precious silence

i’m beginning to suspect
that i am praying
a high price
for that peace