Archive for children

i’ve looked at life from both sides now…

Posted in children, chronic illness, family, motherhood with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 11/07/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i have written about my longing for children before.
i’ve known i want a family for a very long time. it has just never been possible.
i was too young
or
too sick
or
too single
i did always mostly believe it would happen.

that hope has been waning for a few years now.
i am 33 years old.
reproductively challenged
single
i have a history or mental & physical health problems
i am certainly not wealthy
the odds are stacked against me.

the desire does not lesson.
as everyone around me begins to start a family
(even those who didn’t think they wanted to)
i feel i am running out of time.
and
i’m scared.

i know i am just another woman with a ticking biological clock
nothing unique
or possibly even interesting in my situation.
the unoriginality of my problem does not diminish the pain.

i find myself increasingly obsessing over my options.
a solution has not presented itself.
i don’t want to imagine my life without little ones of my own
but
i can’t envisage a way to make my family happen.

i have no idea where this post is going
i’ve become so overwhelmed with the gap between my needs & my reality that it has just spilt out.
i am bursting with maternal instinct.
i’m ready.
i am so ready.

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rainy days and SUNDAYS always bring me down…..

Posted in depression, family, mental health with tags , , , , , , on 19/06/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i have never liked sundays.

 

they have always held a certain gloom for me.

 

the advent of my depression has had made them heavier,darker,bleaker.

 

sundays magnify how much i have screwed up my life,

 

whilst most people are preparing for the beginning of the working week

 

i am bracing myself for another week of grey nothingness.

 

i have no clothes to iron,

 

no emails to read,

 

no reason to get to bed early.

 

i have no career.

 

i am fit for nothing.

 

sunday brings it all home.

 

sundays are lazy, cuddly, romantic days.

 

couples lie in

 

have delicious,unrushed morning sex

 

or take cosy walks together

 

buy newspapers to read over sloppy brunches.

 

from this too i am excluded.

 

i spend my sundays alone,

 

feeling lonelier than any other day of the week

 

no one chance of passion or companionship

 

because

 

no one falls in love with crazy

 

sunday underlines this fact.

 

let’s not forget, for else sundays are

 

perhaps their most painful incarnation

 

sundays are the end of the weekend

 

the are the ultimate school night

 

parents must make sure homework is completed

 

uniforms are assembled & ready

 

bags packed

 

lunches prepared

 

children bathed.

 

sunday evening holds the familiar bed time debate

 

it is a domestic day

 

a day that holds no routine for me

 

no logistics organise

 

no rules to enforce

 

to children to kiss goodnight.

 

 

 

sundays remind me of all that i don’t have

 

my mistakes

 

and

 

misfortune

 

vividly played out in all the rituals i do not have to perform.

 

 

i have never liked sundays.

as time goes by…

Posted in identity crisis with tags , , , on 21/09/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i will be 30yrs old next week.

it is terrifying and oh so very sad.

i am incredibly disappointed in myself.

this is not where i expected to be at this stage in my life.

the time is slipping away.

everyone i know has a ring or a baby or house,

grown up things.

i’ve always been the black sheep.

always had to go my own way.

now it really feels like i have fallen behind.

i want a wonderful partner and  a bucket load of children.

i want a quirky house, filled with books and quirky pets.

i picture myself making finger paintings and bathing mucky kids.

taking long walks with our dogs.

watching the man i love read bedtime stories to our children.

i’ll write when the kids are in bed

and spend my days being an earth mother.

i’ve planned the wedding,

picked the names.

i have this aching hole in my life.

when is it my turn ?

where is my happy ending ?