Archive for children

i’ve looked at life from both sides now…

Posted in children, chronic illness, family, motherhood with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 11/07/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i have written about my longing for children before.
i’ve known i want a family for a very long time. it has just never been possible.
i was too young
too sick
too single
i did always mostly believe it would happen.

that hope has been waning for a few years now.
i am 33 years old.
reproductively challenged
i have a history or mental & physical health problems
i am certainly not wealthy
the odds are stacked against me.

the desire does not lesson.
as everyone around me begins to start a family
(even those who didn’t think they wanted to)
i feel i am running out of time.
i’m scared.

i know i am just another woman with a ticking biological clock
nothing unique
or possibly even interesting in my situation.
the unoriginality of my problem does not diminish the pain.

i find myself increasingly obsessing over my options.
a solution has not presented itself.
i don’t want to imagine my life without little ones of my own
i can’t envisage a way to make my family happen.

i have no idea where this post is going
i’ve become so overwhelmed with the gap between my needs & my reality that it has just spilt out.
i am bursting with maternal instinct.
i’m ready.
i am so ready.

rainy days and SUNDAYS always bring me down…..

Posted in depression, family, mental health with tags , , , , , , on 19/06/2011 by doyourememberthattime


i have never liked sundays.


they have always held a certain gloom for me.


the advent of my depression has had made them heavier,darker,bleaker.


sundays magnify how much i have screwed up my life,


whilst most people are preparing for the beginning of the working week


i am bracing myself for another week of grey nothingness.


i have no clothes to iron,


no emails to read,


no reason to get to bed early.


i have no career.


i am fit for nothing.


sunday brings it all home.


sundays are lazy, cuddly, romantic days.


couples lie in


have delicious,unrushed morning sex


or take cosy walks together


buy newspapers to read over sloppy brunches.


from this too i am excluded.


i spend my sundays alone,


feeling lonelier than any other day of the week


no one chance of passion or companionship




no one falls in love with crazy


sunday underlines this fact.


let’s not forget, for else sundays are


perhaps their most painful incarnation


sundays are the end of the weekend


the are the ultimate school night


parents must make sure homework is completed


uniforms are assembled & ready


bags packed


lunches prepared


children bathed.


sunday evening holds the familiar bed time debate


it is a domestic day


a day that holds no routine for me


no logistics organise


no rules to enforce


to children to kiss goodnight.




sundays remind me of all that i don’t have


my mistakes






vividly played out in all the rituals i do not have to perform.



i have never liked sundays.

as time goes by…

Posted in identity crisis with tags , , , on 21/09/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i will be 30yrs old next week.

it is terrifying and oh so very sad.

i am incredibly disappointed in myself.

this is not where i expected to be at this stage in my life.

the time is slipping away.

everyone i know has a ring or a baby or house,

grown up things.

i’ve always been the black sheep.

always had to go my own way.

now it really feels like i have fallen behind.

i want a wonderful partner and  a bucket load of children.

i want a quirky house, filled with books and quirky pets.

i picture myself making finger paintings and bathing mucky kids.

taking long walks with our dogs.

watching the man i love read bedtime stories to our children.

i’ll write when the kids are in bed

and spend my days being an earth mother.

i’ve planned the wedding,

picked the names.

i have this aching hole in my life.

when is it my turn ?

where is my happy ending ?