Archive for control

i’ve lost control again…

Posted in chronic illness, depression, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 19/11/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i’m ill
oh, i know, i’m always ill
but it usually ebbs & flows.
i get some respite
i used to have days when i felt i like a normal person
not
anymore.

i’ve been sick every day for months
i’m exhausted
i ache, everywhere
i threw up
a lot.

my body has decided that i am no longer permitted to eat
my weight is plummeting
and
i have no control.

I HAVE NO CONTROL

as a result, i have shut down
because i cannot function without control
with every pound i lose
i feel like my actual self is diminshing
i am just fading away.

i rarely leave the house
i barely move at all
i can’t function
i can’t write
i can’t even cut with any efficacy.

i lack the strength or energy to assert dominance with a scapel
which means i’m lost.
i have to lie down to it
i don’t have any other options.

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all you need is me…

Posted in self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 06/04/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i have been cutting sporadically over the last few weeks.
it hasn’t felt like a complete return to self-harm as it’s been contained.
i had expected to feel guilt
perhaps a sense of failing
but
it has been gentler than that
it feels like returning from an arduous journey & climbing into my own bed.

this past weekend has been different.
my cutting has become more insistent
i’ve begun to make demands of myself
at some point in the early hours,
the notion of being in control again took hold.

as I marvelled in the restorative wonder of hot blood
i realised i could seize back power
i could watch my haemoglobin levels plummet
all the heavy, guilt ridden blood could be let
opening garnet stripes
as I reclaim my body

these thoughts were exhilarating
and
with them came plans
schedules of pain
strict timetables to be adhered to
rules that if obeyed would bring comfort.
finally, I can breathe

i want to feel every slice of my flesh
and
monitor every drop of spilt blood
i need the hurt
my body must be a battle ground
if my mind is to stand any chance of a lasting peace.

i’m in charge again.
i can’t tell you how much I have longed to sink into this well-worn mattress.

this is me.
this works.

the blood jet is poetry and there is no stopping it…..

Posted in depression, insomnia, mental health, mental illness, self destruction, self harm, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 22/03/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i’ve been up all night
thinking
listening to sad songs
reading brutal tales
i suppose it was only a matter of the time
in the end, all it took was
two words

a couplet that lit up the relevant part of my brain
one evocative phrase that kicked started this whole sordid ritual
words that gave me license to bleed

i needed to bleed
i had to feel the very pulse of life
the pure, vibrant strength
of my will.

if only for right now,
i have reclaimed the power that resides at my core
i am once again the most authentic version of myself.

as my blood washes over me
i turn up the volume so the melancholy music can fill my head
and
my tears finally flow.

caught in a trap….

Posted in miscarriage with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 23/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

the cramps take me back to place I don’t want to go

this feels so horribly familiar

we’re alone

i’m so scared

i want everything to be ok

but

i already know nothing is ever going to be alright again

 

i’m trapped in memories

i can feel it all over again

 

something is going very wrong inside me

my beautiful new life is slipping away

the life that i have fallen in love with

i have no power

how do stop this from happening ?

i am not equipped to deal with this

there is no one to help me

 

i already feel so inadequate

i should have shielded you

you are my sole responsibility

i lost sight of that

i haven’t fought hard enough

i’m losing you

with every hot spasm

i know

you’re dying

 

the blood brings it all rushing back

 

all control is lost

if I could only halt this tide

perhaps your heart would keep beating

i want to protect you

someone please help me.

 

don’t tell me there is nothing you can do

don’t tell me its god’s plan

don’t tell me it’s over.

 

i need a miracle

i need someone to save us.

i like it, i like it…..

Posted in self harm, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 08/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i got pierced.
that’s how it started.
in Australia, i had a dermal piercing just below my collar bone.
i’ve had dermals before, but they always rejected.
they were also fairly painful & a bit of a palaver.
anyway, this time it was great.
the actual piercing was over in minutes
hardly any pain
healed perfectly.

so, when I came home,
i wanted another.
i decided to have my boob pierced.
partly because I thought it looked cool
also, I wanted the pain
and
blood.

i crave blood.
i miss it.
i obsess about having too much whooshing through my veins.
i dream about blood.
i want it
OUT.

i thought the piercing would sate my blood lust a little.
i made one mistake
i watched.
i was curious as to how they were managing to do it so quickly
the answer?
a biopsy punch.
it cuts out a full thickness circle of skin in seconds
like a human cookie cutter.
i liked it

of course I bought one
it was very easy to find on eBay
i started with a small punch
i told myself it was damage limitation.
i’m good at lying to myself.

it’s an ingenious device
just press down hard
and
out pops a bloody disc of flesh.

i like it.
i like that I have to be rough with it
i like how raw it looks
i like feeling some control again
sometimes the skin isn’t completely severed
and
i pull it out the tissue out with tweezers
the sensation is disgusting
and
amazing
most of all, I love the blood.

it’s not enough
i’ve ordered larger punches.
i could be in trouble.

let’s talk about sex….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 30/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i’m horny.
actually, I’m horny almost all of time.
i know part of depression is supposed to be a loss of libido,
but this has never been the case for me.

sex is a drug
an invigorating
blissful
powerful drug.

when I’m fucking I’m not worrying
i’m not terrified
or
sad
i am completely in the moment.
focused on mmine & my partner’s bodies
and
how good we can make each other feel.

sex is the only thing that switches my brain off.

sex for me, offers the same release as self-harm
but
in a positive, non-damaging way.
sex makes me feel good.
the more physical the better.
i like it rough
i am totally up for some kink
in an ideal world I would be getting it on more than once a day.

i’m always safe.
i don’t sleep with strangers.
i have some ex’s i’m on good terms with who step in when I am unattached.
i need some sort of connection with a person to enjoy being dirty with them
i have to like them
i want to lie in bed afterwards & have a gab.

this year in particular
i have realised how therapeutic sex can be.

i have an almost insatiable appetite for cock
(& lately pussy too)
woman are constantly told they ought not to behave this way
i am sure many folk would call me slut
i don’t care

there are very few things in life that make me feel content & in control
i refuse to feel guilty for indulging in an activity that does.

a tale of two ex’s, part 2

Posted in dating, friendship with tags , , , , , , on 08/02/2013 by doyourememberthattime

my relationhsip with alan came to an abrupt end

since calling it off

there had been a number of drunk texts

so, when he asked to get together

i thought it would be good to give us a nicer ending.

 

i wasn’t in love with alan

i was sad when it ended.

 

i think seeing the man had clarified things for me

i was never going to feel that way about alan

and

it was probably best to stop when we did.

 

so, we met for dinner & drinks.

 

he arrived unshaved & not looking his best

i knew i didn’t want to be with him anymore.

it was strange

three weeks ago, i was happily having a relationship with him

and

now

i didn’t feel very much at all.

 

we talked about us

and

what we wanted

and

a little bit of everything else

it felt good that we could be friends.

 

then we got very drunk

 

when he invited me back to his

my baser instincts kicked in.

i hadn’t had sex since we broke up

i was horny

and

somehow

sleeping with him

purely for the sex

made me feel in control.

 

i wasn’t pining for him

i didn’t want to keep him

i can close the door on him now

without any sadness

 

oh,

&

the sex was amazing.