Archive for control

big girls don’t cry…..

Posted in self harm with tags , , , , , , on 16/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime
i feel fat.

i truely hate my body.

i am disgusted with my physical appearance.

i have lost a lot of weight over the past 2 years.

i was reasonably content with how i looked for a short period.

i suppose i have become more concerned with my weight than is healthy

but i am over weight.

the weight loss has slowed to an almost halt

i am not over eating

i have cut out the all the junk food

but

the blubber won’t budge

the more fat & unattractive i feel

the more i want to hurt myself

i do not like myself

inside or out.

i feel like a failure

i believe i look like a failure too.

i don’t want to over think this

i do not want to develop any more of a food issue ,

but,

i can’t seem to seize control

and

control is everything.

i like feeling hungry

i feel proud of myself

i know i haven’t been weak

i haven’t given in to my gluttonous desires.

if i do submit to my appetite

blood seems a reasonable recourse

it restores the balance

processing these thoughts into words has created cause for concern

blood on my hands to stay strong….

Posted in depression, family, miscarriage, pregnancy, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , on 22/12/2010 by doyourememberthattime

My friend is 6wks pregnant.

She told me tonight.

She has been trying for a while & i am happy for her.

I’m excited.

I want that to be the full extent  of how i feel,

 

But it never is.

 

I’ve been through this quite a few times now.

And it’s always the same.

Happy for them and so very sad for me.

 

Everytime, i wonder, when will it be me ?

Everytime ,i hate myself for being so selfish.

Everytime, i feel this gaping hole at the centre of me

 

I’m losing hope that i will ever be able to fill it.

 

I feel an actual physical pain.

I yearn for all the memories i never got to make

All the tears and smiles i’ve missed.

My heart breaks that my boy never got the chance to call me mummy

I am terrified that no one will ever call me mummy.

 

I feel so incredibly lonely.

i know it’s not the answer

but

the only respite i know is in self destruction

i bleed to survive.

I’ll cut this sadness out.

 

tangled up in blue

Posted in depression with tags , , , on 23/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

the feeling is back.

my unnamed bleak mood

it drops slowly

but i can’t halt the descent.

it’s a nagging an unease

a feeling that “something” is wrong

i search my mind

i try to be logical

but i can never locate the exact worry.

i tell myself there is nothing to be frightened of.

and, yet, i am scared,

anxious

i really need to talk to someone,

but i wouldn’t know what to say.

i really want to cry,

but i have no tears.

i had a good day

i don’t understand this plummet

i have no control.

my fever burns me deeper than you’ll ever know

Posted in depression, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 19/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

it is ok to feel my emotions.
i’m told.
learn to deal with the feelings as they come.
they’re just feelings.
they can’t hurt me.

except, i don’t know what that means

and they do hurt me.

do normal people feel what i feel and cope ?
or do i experience something different.
it doesn’t seem possible to just sith with these emotions and still be ok.

how do i tell myself i am ok ?
i feel like i am drowning.
when the sandness is so overwhelming that my life is meaningless.
all i can see are days and weeks of sinking further under the tide.

i can stay awake all night
tortured by a sadness tthat is bigger than me

or

i can reach for that shiny blade
and rip it out
let my tears run red.

i want to understand these healthy coping mechanisms
but all i know is blood.

got enough guilt to start my own religion

Posted in depression, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on 16/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i told the truth today.
the whole truth
i cried for an hour and half

and then,

i accepted more help

i did listenen to to what my psychologist  said
i really listened
it is in my head
i don’t believe it yEt
i don’t feel it,
but it’s in there

i have to let go of my guilt
i am not to blame
i am not to blame
i am not to blame

Hmmm,

IT IS ALL MY FAULT.
I’M VERY SCARED
AND I KNOW IT’S ALL MY FAULT.

stuck in moment

Posted in depression, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , on 13/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i’m drowning


it’s been a very difficult week.


i know anyone would have found it challenging,


but they’d have coped.


 


i pretend to manage


i ploughed through


i acted brave and in control


it’s all fake


 


what lies beneath ?


 


five hours of cutting myself up


              feeling the blood pour


                            watching skin slice  & the gape begin


                                                         opening skin,to flesh, ,to muscle


spraying blood on the bathroom wall


 


i could have stopped at anytime.


there were times when i felt it might be enough,


but i would not allow it to be.


the abuse started in my in my head


i purposely tore myself apart


inside


and


out


 


i left a trail of blood and shame from reception to my a&e cubicle


i was treated with respect by everyone


barr myself.


i left with 18 stitches and  a strong desire to punish myself.


 


now i am left with the GUILT


i have let everyone down


that the are unaware of my betrayal is irrelevant


people need me to be strong


they are relying on me to function


i am pathetic


 

uncomfortably numb

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 08/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

somethings are so big, so awful, so terrifying that the only way to cope is to shut down my mind.

i’m numb.

people ask if i am ok & i tell that i am.

they ask if they can help & i tell them i can manage.

i do what needs to be done.

i make the calls.

i mediate.

i purchase required items.

i smile.

i say everything will be ok.

i wrap my arms around & hold as tight as i can

i say i love you

and i mean it.

i’d do anything to make it better.

i can’t bare to witness the pain.

i’ve switched off.

every part of my mind that is not immediatly required is on standby.

i can conquer this crisis.

i can apply my war paint.

and when i double bolt my door,

i can crumble.

i can stunt my emotions with

diazepam,

codeine,

zopiclone,

ANYTHING

i can slice into my beleagured flesh.

i can watch my blood drain away the panic.

just,

one more pill

one  more cut

pass out

and

do it all again tomorrow.

it’s got to be, worth it

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on 21/06/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i can’t make sense of what has been and i can’t believe in what is to come. all i’m left with is this.
right now.
i can take the years, but i dont know how i will get through the days. the only thing that makes sense to me is slicing it open and letting the blood wash it all away.

it’s worth it.

for the momentary peace.

it’s worth the relief from feeling too much and nothing at all.

it’s worth it to be in control of something.
it’s worth it every time.