Archive for crisis

you do it to yourself…..

Posted in comapassionate mind, depression, family, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , on 03/07/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i appear to a have a gift for self destruction.

 i have already explored more than enough avenues of self abuse

 and

 yet

 i find myself creating opportunities to hurt myself

 what’s more,

 feeling a sense of smug satisfaction that i have so much power

 sick

 i know.

 

 it doesn’t stop me

 i hate myself

 i am so tired of being me

 inflicting more damage on my body is incredibly stupid

 i am aware of that

 and

 i hate myself for that too.

 

 no matter how bad life treats me,

 i just have to go one better

 you would think i would fight against my bad luck

that, i’d meet illness with rest

 trauma with kindness

 sadness with comfort

 tradegy with compassion

 perhaps

 normal people do

 my response is a tad more savage.

 i can not tolerate these emotions

 i can not process anymore awful events

 i feel responsible even when i am not

i live in a constant spiral of guilt

 and

 so

 i stick the boot in

 i punish myself

 i create another emotion

another sensation

 another crisis

one that i can control

and

manage

 

of course i am deceiving myself.

 i lost control a very long time ago

 i go too far

 i never know if i can manage the outcome

 i never know the long

or

short term risks

one more reason to dislike me.

 

 i am trouble

 a pathetic burden to professionals

 and

personnels

 

 i’m sick in body and mind

 no one knows how to cure me

 least of all me.

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but we’re never gonna survive,unless we get a little crazy…….

Posted in ambition, depression, hope, identity crisis with tags , , , , , , on 09/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime
i used to have this passion burning inside me.

i believed in myself,

i knew i could achieve anything if i worked hard enough.

i wanted to change the world.

no,

more than that,

i believed i was changing the world,

that i was playing a small part in positive alteration.

i wrote

i danced

i worked

i loved

i studied

i sang

i marched

i lived.

i relished a challenge.

i was someone who had the answers.

when i thought of the future, i felt excitement bubble inside me.

i couldn’t wait to jump in.

i was so very sure that life would be good

and kind

and happy.

was that just naivety ?

i still want to change the world.

it just strikes me as a bit of stretch these days

i have yet to instigate meaningful changes in my own life,

the entire world seems a little out of reach.

i don’t understand where that girl went.

she was so robust.

i’d never have guessed that she’d fold.

i suppose she had to protect herself.

it seemed like the wisest thing at the time

anything in the name of self-preservation.

she had to shed some hope

and

build some barriers to survive.

now that she’s gone

i wonder if it was worth it.

the truth is,

i would give anything to be her again.

the problem is,

i don’t know if she exists anymore.

stuck in moment

Posted in depression, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , on 13/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i’m drowning


it’s been a very difficult week.


i know anyone would have found it challenging,


but they’d have coped.


 


i pretend to manage


i ploughed through


i acted brave and in control


it’s all fake


 


what lies beneath ?


 


five hours of cutting myself up


              feeling the blood pour


                            watching skin slice  & the gape begin


                                                         opening skin,to flesh, ,to muscle


spraying blood on the bathroom wall


 


i could have stopped at anytime.


there were times when i felt it might be enough,


but i would not allow it to be.


the abuse started in my in my head


i purposely tore myself apart


inside


and


out


 


i left a trail of blood and shame from reception to my a&e cubicle


i was treated with respect by everyone


barr myself.


i left with 18 stitches and  a strong desire to punish myself.


 


now i am left with the GUILT


i have let everyone down


that the are unaware of my betrayal is irrelevant


people need me to be strong


they are relying on me to function


i am pathetic


 

uncomfortably numb

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 08/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

somethings are so big, so awful, so terrifying that the only way to cope is to shut down my mind.

i’m numb.

people ask if i am ok & i tell that i am.

they ask if they can help & i tell them i can manage.

i do what needs to be done.

i make the calls.

i mediate.

i purchase required items.

i smile.

i say everything will be ok.

i wrap my arms around & hold as tight as i can

i say i love you

and i mean it.

i’d do anything to make it better.

i can’t bare to witness the pain.

i’ve switched off.

every part of my mind that is not immediatly required is on standby.

i can conquer this crisis.

i can apply my war paint.

and when i double bolt my door,

i can crumble.

i can stunt my emotions with

diazepam,

codeine,

zopiclone,

ANYTHING

i can slice into my beleagured flesh.

i can watch my blood drain away the panic.

just,

one more pill

one  more cut

pass out

and

do it all again tomorrow.