Archive for crisis

you do it to yourself…..

Posted in comapassionate mind, depression, family, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , on 03/07/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i appear to a have a gift for self destruction.

 i have already explored more than enough avenues of self abuse



 i find myself creating opportunities to hurt myself

 what’s more,

 feeling a sense of smug satisfaction that i have so much power


 i know.


 it doesn’t stop me

 i hate myself

 i am so tired of being me

 inflicting more damage on my body is incredibly stupid

 i am aware of that


 i hate myself for that too.


 no matter how bad life treats me,

 i just have to go one better

 you would think i would fight against my bad luck

that, i’d meet illness with rest

 trauma with kindness

 sadness with comfort

 tradegy with compassion


 normal people do

 my response is a tad more savage.

 i can not tolerate these emotions

 i can not process anymore awful events

 i feel responsible even when i am not

i live in a constant spiral of guilt



 i stick the boot in

 i punish myself

 i create another emotion

another sensation

 another crisis

one that i can control




of course i am deceiving myself.

 i lost control a very long time ago

 i go too far

 i never know if i can manage the outcome

 i never know the long


short term risks

one more reason to dislike me.


 i am trouble

 a pathetic burden to professionals




 i’m sick in body and mind

 no one knows how to cure me

 least of all me.

but we’re never gonna survive,unless we get a little crazy…….

Posted in ambition, depression, hope, identity crisis with tags , , , , , , on 09/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime
i used to have this passion burning inside me.

i believed in myself,

i knew i could achieve anything if i worked hard enough.

i wanted to change the world.


more than that,

i believed i was changing the world,

that i was playing a small part in positive alteration.

i wrote

i danced

i worked

i loved

i studied

i sang

i marched

i lived.

i relished a challenge.

i was someone who had the answers.

when i thought of the future, i felt excitement bubble inside me.

i couldn’t wait to jump in.

i was so very sure that life would be good

and kind

and happy.

was that just naivety ?

i still want to change the world.

it just strikes me as a bit of stretch these days

i have yet to instigate meaningful changes in my own life,

the entire world seems a little out of reach.

i don’t understand where that girl went.

she was so robust.

i’d never have guessed that she’d fold.

i suppose she had to protect herself.

it seemed like the wisest thing at the time

anything in the name of self-preservation.

she had to shed some hope


build some barriers to survive.

now that she’s gone

i wonder if it was worth it.

the truth is,

i would give anything to be her again.

the problem is,

i don’t know if she exists anymore.

stuck in moment

Posted in depression, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , on 13/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i’m drowning

it’s been a very difficult week.

i know anyone would have found it challenging,

but they’d have coped.


i pretend to manage

i ploughed through

i acted brave and in control

it’s all fake


what lies beneath ?


five hours of cutting myself up

              feeling the blood pour

                            watching skin slice  & the gape begin

                                                         opening skin,to flesh, ,to muscle

spraying blood on the bathroom wall


i could have stopped at anytime.

there were times when i felt it might be enough,

but i would not allow it to be.

the abuse started in my in my head

i purposely tore myself apart





i left a trail of blood and shame from reception to my a&e cubicle

i was treated with respect by everyone

barr myself.

i left with 18 stitches and  a strong desire to punish myself.


now i am left with the GUILT

i have let everyone down

that the are unaware of my betrayal is irrelevant

people need me to be strong

they are relying on me to function

i am pathetic


uncomfortably numb

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 08/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

somethings are so big, so awful, so terrifying that the only way to cope is to shut down my mind.

i’m numb.

people ask if i am ok & i tell that i am.

they ask if they can help & i tell them i can manage.

i do what needs to be done.

i make the calls.

i mediate.

i purchase required items.

i smile.

i say everything will be ok.

i wrap my arms around & hold as tight as i can

i say i love you

and i mean it.

i’d do anything to make it better.

i can’t bare to witness the pain.

i’ve switched off.

every part of my mind that is not immediatly required is on standby.

i can conquer this crisis.

i can apply my war paint.

and when i double bolt my door,

i can crumble.

i can stunt my emotions with





i can slice into my beleagured flesh.

i can watch my blood drain away the panic.


one more pill

one  more cut

pass out


do it all again tomorrow.