Archive for dating

big is beautiful…

Posted in body positivity, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 27/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

Cosmopolitan website featured an interview with two fat women that caught my eye. Cosmo is not usually a publication I favour, but this interview was a rare beauty. An honest & mostly positive account of life as a plus sized woman. The article was a big hit with the plus size blogging community & a number of bloggers have answered the questions in their own words. I have decided to join the pack because the world needs more body positive voices.

How do you feel when other women around you complain about feeling/being fat?
This is a hard question for me because I have such mixed feelings. Of course it can make me feel bad when women who are much smaller than me complain about being fat, but I don’t think I have the right to police their thoughts & feelings. I am learning to love my body and I would like others to feel the same. However it’s not my place to tell others how they should feel about their bodies. I will always be supportive & body positive, but I’m not going to censure people for having insecurities.
How has your body image changed since high school/college?
I was slim when I was younger. I started to gain some weight ay university, but I was far from plus sized. Despite that I always felt fat. I believed I was the biggest in my group of friends, wouldn’t wear certain types of clothes and generally didn’t feel very attractive. When I look back at pictures I realise this was nonsense. When I did actually become fat there wasn’t a huge shift in how I felt about myself as I already thought very negatively about my body.

Have you ever tried dieting? What happened?
Yush! I have dieted on & off for years. I am very successful at losing weight, but have never been able to maintain the loss. This is mostly because dieting always becomes very extreme for me. I start of trying to stick to a healthy eating plan, but it descends into a crazy regime. I usually end up restricting myself to about 500 cals a day, which anyone will tell you is not sustainable. I’ll be honest, I feel fantastic when I am loss huge amounts of weight. It just isn’t worth what I do to myself to get achieve it.
Do you think in your case your weight is partly or entirely genetic?
I don’t think I have the kind of body that is ever going to be skinny, but no, my weight is not genetic.
Do you consider yourself healthy? Have there been instances where people assumed you were unhealthy?
I’m not healthy, but that has nothing to do with my weight. I am plagued by a number of chronic conditions, which greatly impact my life. On the other hand my cholesterol level is very good; my blood pressure is low and so on. Losing weight would not improve any of illnesses I suffer from.
Are your parents both supportive of the weight you are at? Have they always been?
Neither of my parents is ever cruel or forceful about their desire for me to lose weight, but I am aware that they would prefer me to be smaller. They have both been very happy when I have lost weight in the past.

How do you think retailers can improve clothes for plus-sized people?
Basically, I want the same clothes as smaller women. Just make all your clothes in bigger sizes & let me decide how I want to dress instead of making assumptions about what fat women want to wear. The only retailer I am aware of who do this are ASOS. I highly recommend their curve range. Oh & stop charging me so much.
Do you think plus-size women are judged differently than plus-sized men?
Yes. There are so many visible fat man on tv, films etc. Large men are portrayed as successful and attractive. You often see very fat men with gorgeous partners and fulfilling lives. On the other hand fat women in the media are usually the joke. They’re the stupid big women who thinks someone might be attracted to her (haha, gross) or the miserable failure. Male actors are allowed to be fat in a way that women are not. There is one version of female beauty in mainstream media and it is not fat.
Do you think there is an assumption made/stereotype that exists about plus-size people? How would you respond to it?
Lazy, unattractive, unsuccessful & unpopular. I respond to that by living my life complete with friends, accomplishments & hot men.
Do you think there is ever a right way or time to express concern about someone’s weight?
Do you suspect that someone has an eating disorder? If not, no.
What are the worst things people have said to you about your body?
I think I have been lucky in that I don’t often get negative comments about my weight. I’ve had men I’ve turned down resort to fat slurs. Similarly I have had a few people throw some names at me during arguments/disagreements. That doesn’t happen often & I tend not to keep folks like that in my life.

What have people said (or do you wish they’d say) that would complement your body or appearance?
I want to hear the same things as anyone else. I don’t need specific compliments because I’m fat.
Do you find yourself hanging out with women who are closer to your size?
Nope. I have friends of all shapes and sizes. Physical attributes have no impact on whom I form friendships with.
How has weight affected your sex life, if at all?
It hasn’t. To be honest I think I have a more active & exciting sex life than most of social circle.
When you’ve been single, has your weight affected your dating life?
Only in that I haven’t always felt attractive. I get the same amount of romantic attention fat as I did thin. It hasn’t stopped me dating anyone I wanted to date. Nor has anyone I’ve been in a relationship with ever had a problem with my size. I am sure there are people who look at me & think yuck, fat. Since I have no desire to date anyone harbouring those feelings it has no impact on my life.
Do you feel weird if the guy you’re with only dates larger women?
I would if he was only with me because I was fat, but that goes for any other single attribute. I want a person to want all of me. Having said that I have no problem with someone being attracted to larger women. If I did I would be saying there is something wrong with being fat. Why shouldn’t folk prefer fat women? As long as that’s not the only attraction, it’s fine with me.

Do you feel weird if he’s only dated slimmer women before?
No. I’m not really interested in who he’s dated before. He’s with me now; he clearly likes & fancies me. Who cares about the past?

You can find the original interview here
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/fat-women-real-talk

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it’s got to be worth it….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 22/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I have had a couple of emails & lots of search terms on the topic of self-harm & dating. I can’t claim to be an expert, but I do date & I’m happy to share my tips.
I’d like to start by saying no one has ever flat out rejected me solely on account of my scars or my cutting. That is not to say that self-harm has never caused a problem in relationships, but no one has run away screaming.
I find that being upfront and forthright has worked best for me. On a first date with someone new I will wear something that allows a little bit of scarring to be seen. This is scary, but less scary than getting to know & like someone all the while worrying about how and when to tell them your secret. It also gives anyone who can’t handle scars or their implications a chance to bail before anyone gets attached. Be prepared for some lingering glances when they think you aren’t looking. It’s also possible that they may ask questions right away, whenever they do ask, I always answer briefly, but honestly. If you develop a relationship with this person any lies you tell will be uncovered. Again it allows either party to walk away if they aren’t comfortable with the route the conversation takes.
I have been internet dating & I deliberately uploaded one picture that shows some scars. I think this is a good idea as wards off anyone who has a real issue with self-harm or scars. As we all know, people can be crueller online than they would be in person, so weeding out the bastards early can only be a plus.
I think once the relationship progresses & people start to care about each, the scars are less of a problem than they actual self-harming behaviour. I’ve had men admit that my scars disturb them a little, make them feel sad or protective, but never enough to stop them wanting to have a relationship with me. I know a lot of people worry that their scars make them unattractive; I use to be scared that mine robbed me of any desirability. I have been reassured by men that I’ve dated that after the initial shock; they mostly cease to really notice them. Certainly no one has ever found them so distasteful as to be turned off.
If you are still actively self-harming relationships can be difficult. Obviously it’s distressing to know that someone you care about is in so much pain. There is no easy way around that. I’m not relationship expert or counsellor, but what I can tell you is be truthful with your partner. Open up, let them support you if they able. Love & self-harm (or any mental illness) are not mutually exclusive. When you meet the right person, it can work.
Having said that, there are pitfalls. Don’t be afraid to walk away, if the other party is detrimental to your mental health. Please don’t feel that you have to change or ‘get better’ for someone. Recovery is a personal journey. It will only work if you’re doing it for yourself. You don’t need anyone in your life that makes you feel guilty. Nor do you want someone who is ashamed or embarrassed of your problems. Remember you are worth just as much as everyone else. Be brave and stand up for yourself if needs be.

In conclusion I would say, go for it. There are kind, decent people out there who will see the whole you. The right person will try to understand. There are lots of wonderful men & women just waiting to meet you. You can have lots of fun trying new people on & seeing who fits best. You’re good enough as you are. Keep telling yourself that until you start to believe it.

with love from me to you – a little advice

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I have had some search terms that have compelled to write another little advice type post. Hopefully this post will help someone feel a little better.
I self-harmed because I felt fat.
I am not sure if readers of this bog are aware, but I am a plus sized woman. I‘ll be honest I struggle with body positivity. We live in a world where thin is worshipped. We are constantly told there is only one kind of beauty. That is categorically wrong. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Fat does not equal ugly. I understand that this can be hard to believe. I have found a lot of support and inspiration from the fat acceptance movement. I would recommend that you check this out. It’s a loving & affirming community. I also love ‘fatshion’ blogs, big beautiful woman rocking gorgeous clothes. Searching for fat acceptance on tumblr & pinterest is a good entry into the fat pride world. Below are also a couple of links to my favourite fatshion blogs, both have a feminist slant & will make you feel good.
http://www.archedeyebrow.com
http://www.nearsightedowl.com

I feel so ugly & embarrassed about my self harm scars
Your scars are not ugly. I’m sure those words seem empty to you, but they are true. Scars show so many things, that you’ve survived, that you’ve had to fight, your vulnerability & strength; you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I know it is scary to face other people’s judgement, but you are stronger than them. No one is perfect. We all have flaws. Try to surround yourself with people who accept you as you are. If that is a struggle in real life, you can find communities online to provide support & help you educate friends & family members. Twitter is an excellent resource for finding people experiencing and advocating for mental illness. I am happy to help any of my readers, please feel free to get in contact & I will do what I can.

Self-harm scars forever alone
Dating and relationships can be scary when you have self-harm scars. It’s very difficult to know when to reveal that you have struggled with self-harm or mental illness in general. You are never guaranteed a positive reaction, it can feel hopeless. However, I can tell you from my own experience that this is not the case. I have had both long & short term relationships during the 14yrs I have been self-harming. I have slept with women & men mostly with little conversation about my scars. Of course mental illness can cause problems in a relationship. It can be very difficult for a loved one to know that you are hurting yourself, but it is possible to overcome these issues. I can honestly say that I have never been rejected because of my scars (which are extensive). You can & will find love.

I’ll finish with some general advice for all my readers.
If you are struggling with self-harm, please seek help. Find someone you feel comfortable talking to & tell them you need help. As terrifying as it sounds, your gp is a great first step. The sooner you seek help, the better. Self-harm spirals out of control very quickly. Please, please, please do not try to do this alone. You need and deserve help. Trust me; you will be glad you reached out. Do not hesitate to contact me if you feel I could help you do this.

i guess it’s too early, ’cause i don’t know where i stand….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 24/05/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i have a talent for picking complicated men.
i like men whose stories have a twist.
odd works for me.
so, when i was faced with choice of  a sweet, accomodating, reliable, available man
or
a mysterious, unreadable, but passionate man
i obviously opted for the latter.

we’d been talking for months before he asked me out.
the feeling in stomach when he did told me that there could be something between us
our first date was nerve wrecking.
the conversation flowed easily enough once we got over his intial shyness
i was enoying his company, he seemed in no hurry to leave.
but i couldn’t read him at all.
was it just a friendly evening or something more ?

i got my answer almost as soon as we left the bar,
he kissed me in a phone box
which, i found strangely romantic.
this sponateous kissing in the street has become a feature
i like it

it’s been a couple of months
and
i still haven’t worked out exactly what’s going on.
we speak everyday
when we’re together he’s affectionate & interested
but
he never vocalises how he feels.
sometimes for no discerneable reason, he’ll suddenly feel distant.

he’s very set in his ways.
he has lots of strange habits that are very ingrained.
i find them partly endearing
& at times , frustrating.
he likes me to go his house
he likes to plan our dates
i suppose he likes to be control

this could be a problem

i would like a little more control
i wold like to feel a bit more secure in his feelings for me
it’s early days
i don’t know what’s going to happen
i do know that i really like him

adventures in dating, part 1

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 15/04/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i’m 32, i’m single & childless.
i am not thrilled with these fact.
which leads me to every single girl’s saviour,
internet dating.

you have to be willing to invest some time.
you have to have a thick skin & be unafraid to block.
a good bullshit detector is required.
men lie.
a few extra pounds always means obese
5ft 10 often equates to somewhere under 5’5
men will message you for the sole purpose of telling what they don’t like about you.
some will drop you a line to request a picture of your tits, i wonder how often that works ?
you have to plough through the thousands of medicore, looking for some to watch a movie & share some wine with profiles.
patience & perservence are essential, but, if you hang in there, if you retain your sense humour and maintain you self esteem,
you might just find a sweet, intelligent, slightly odd man.
or two…….

i can see clearly now the rain has gone ….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on 01/11/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i’m till the seeing the new man
and
i like it

alan, his name is alan.
he’s an evolutionary biologist
from yorkshire.
so, when he’s explaining some complex geeky science
he does it in a gone t’pub kind of accent.

he likes pubs.
old man’s pubs with big wooden bars
and
cosy corners to sit in.
he drinks weird sounding ales
and
whiskey when  he wants to turn me on.

he has long sideburns
that i would have thought i’d hate
but i like them
sometimes, i stroke them when he sleeps
but
let’s keep that between us.

he comes over on a friday after a pint with colleagues
and
i like the look on his face when i open the front door.
 the way he takes time to tell me about his day
and ask about mine
before suggesting that we go to bed.

he’s not remotely shy about his body.
he’ll happily fetch me a glass of water naked
even though you can see in my living room from the street
if you’re really looking.

i like that we do things together
sometimes my things
sometimes his things
and
sometimes new things.

and after all of those things
he comes home with me
we spend as much time talking
as fucking
 he’s good at both.

in short,
i like it
i like dating
i like alan.

never mind how i find someone like you….

Posted in dating, love, romance with tags , , on 02/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime
having finally accepted that i cannot have the man,

i am dating.

i find it very confusing.

i compare everyone to him

&

no one measures up.

there is nothing really wrong with the men i have rejected.

there is just no spark,

no butterflies,

no zing.

i want to fast forward this trying people on for size stage.

i want to just sip someone on & be comfortable.

i was always comfortable with him.

we never had awkward moments

never ran out of things to say.

i never once looked at him & questioned my desire.

i’ll keep looking.

the man i want to marry is out there.

i just have to track him down.

wish me luck.