Archive for depression

let’s talk about sex….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 30/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i’m horny.
actually, I’m horny almost all of time.
i know part of depression is supposed to be a loss of libido,
but this has never been the case for me.

sex is a drug
an invigorating
blissful
powerful drug.

when I’m fucking I’m not worrying
i’m not terrified
or
sad
i am completely in the moment.
focused on mmine & my partner’s bodies
and
how good we can make each other feel.

sex is the only thing that switches my brain off.

sex for me, offers the same release as self-harm
but
in a positive, non-damaging way.
sex makes me feel good.
the more physical the better.
i like it rough
i am totally up for some kink
in an ideal world I would be getting it on more than once a day.

i’m always safe.
i don’t sleep with strangers.
i have some ex’s i’m on good terms with who step in when I am unattached.
i need some sort of connection with a person to enjoy being dirty with them
i have to like them
i want to lie in bed afterwards & have a gab.

this year in particular
i have realised how therapeutic sex can be.

i have an almost insatiable appetite for cock
(& lately pussy too)
woman are constantly told they ought not to behave this way
i am sure many folk would call me slut
i don’t care

there are very few things in life that make me feel content & in control
i refuse to feel guilty for indulging in an activity that does.

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what the hell am i doing here ?…..

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 31/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

therapy was another cry fest.
i have been struggling recently
and
as soon as I sat down in that room, it all came tumbling out

i am so frustrated with my current situation
my slide back into deep depression is soul destroying
and
incomprehensible.
why am I back here when I was making such progress?

nothing has changed.
all the recovery boxes were getting ticked
until it all started to fall apart again.

it’s such a cruel illness
there is no explanation for the sudden blackness crowding my head
i am trying so hard to fight it
but
every tiny little step is exhaustingly hard
it’s so difficult to believe I will ever emerge from the darkness

my psychologist believes that part of my problem is my inability to give myself credit
i do not feel that I should be congratulated for washing & dressing
having tea with a friend does not strike me as deserving of applause.
i struggle to connect with my compassionate mind.

i am critical
i consider myself pathetic for all the things I cannot do

guilt is another struggle
i don’t believe that I am allowed to have happy moments
it seems to me that if I can feel good for a short period of time,
i should be able to make myself ok
all of the time.

the only thing I see worth in
is my voluntary work
i have been donating some time to a children’s & youth initiative
engaging in an activity that is not about me feels good
however, my decline has interfered with this
overcoming me fear & anxiety to even manage the journey has become increasingly difficult
the pressure of Interacting with the other group leaders crushes me
hence, I am able to attend less
and
i am robbed of the one thing that allows me to consider myself a worthwhile member of society.

the battle goes on
i am cutting, but much less frequently
i feel i still have a modicum of control.
forcing myself to see friends & family continues to be a focus,
engaging in voluntary work has become a priority,
i have also begun a new anxiety med until I can see my psychiatrist.

i refuse to give in
with increasing frequency,
i want to.

and watch your life slide out of view…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 08/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i’m bogged down in the swap of depression
again.

i don’t why it always creeps back. i do the work, i make progress. i start to think i am moving forward and then before i know it i am entrenched in this misery.

life becomes too much. every single task is overwhelming.
Washing, dressing, opening the post, doing the dishes. all impossible.

i can’t even begin to tackle this cluster of simple, mundane jobs. i feel worthless. i am ashamed to admit my paralysis. i can’t ask for help because i can’t bear for anyone to know.

each inconsequential decision becomes a mammoth undertaking. i can debate with myself for hours about whether to sit in the living room or my bedroom. i’m crippled by the fear of getting it wrong, of making it worse.

and the sorrow. the stagnating sadness, which i can’t drag myself out of.

the voice in my head constantly berating me. it tells me what a failure i am. it demands that i cut. screams orders to rip myself apart.

i can’t stand it.

i drug myself with handfuls of pills. opiates to blur reality, sedatives to shut me down. anything to escape the drone in my head.
But
there is no escape. there is always another day. the blood will never flow unchallenged.
it’s never enough.
so,i wait.
for the voice to get quieter
my mood to become unstuck
and
i pray
there won’t be a next time.

sex is not the enemy….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 30/06/2013 by doyourememberthattime

a wave of depression has washed over me
if i could hibernate until it passed
i would
failing that, what i crave
is some really hot,
really rough
sex.

i want to be fucked
hard.
sweaty, dirty, sweetly painful

i want to feel something else.

sex acts like a positive form of self harm.
it forces me to stay in the moment
i focus on the sensations
instead
of what’s going on in my mind

when i am in the midst of a sublime sexual experience
i am free
my mind declares a cease fire
i experience peace & joy simultanously
suddenly i’m attractive,
functioning
powerful
i see aspects of myself that are usually out of view

i yearn to be suspended in that untroubled embrace
sex is my favourite medicine.

there is no such thing in life as normal…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 06/06/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i don’t feel good today
everything is too close to the surface
i am fragile
and
raw

I think, perhaps, I’m not really here
nothing feels real
except
the
fear

that’s too real
too deep
too much

I’d run away if I had anywhere to run to
but
It’s me I want to hide from

I want to climb out of my skin
and
my head

i need a little holiday from my life
an opportunity to be calm.
no guilt or pain.
Oh, what I’d give to just be normal

all those years that my body worked exactly as it should
and
my head behaved itself
and
i didn’t know i should be reveling in it
i didn’t know how fucking remarkable that was

i wish i could remember how that felt.

i hurt myself today…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 14/03/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t cut in 175 days.
i couldn’t say with complete confidence that it’s a good thing.
the last few weeks have been bad.
i feel as though i’ve taken a thousand steps back.
i am so lost
and
scared
and
desperate to hurt myself.

the self imposed ban on cutting was supposed to improve my life
i was told i’d despise myself less
i would discover i had some worth
the need to destroy myself would disapate.

bullshit

last night i beat my hand with a marble pestle
i’m fairly certain i’ve broken some bones
but
i can’t stop
i watch it puff
&
swell
&
bruise

i finally win a little peace

i can escape from the fear
there has been so much fear.

someone knocks my door
& i find myself hiding in the office
heart racing
hands sweating
terrified

of what, i have no idea.

the fear doesn’t actually need a trigger.
i wake up afraid
scared of having to get through another day

there are so many days
most with no purpose
no joy
no meaning

pain has meaning
inflicting pain upon myself is natural
it’s right

so, i haven’t cut in 175 days
but
i’ve hit myself with a hammer
torn off toenails
pierced my flesh with needles
pressed salt & ice in my skin until it blisters
broken finger bones….
the list will go on
i will always find new ways

” i cherish the revolting thought,
that even i quit,
there’s not a chance in hell i’d stop “

you win again….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on 27/01/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t really wanted to write,
i feel a failed a little bit.

i thought i was doing well
until
it crept back in
stronger,
darker.

alan & i broke up
that wasn’t the cause
i wasn’t in love with him
he didn’t break my heart

i was having fun
which must have helped
it’s easier to forge ahead
when there is something to push towards.
&
the sex, of course
i always feel better when i’m having good sex.

the repetiton of the ending
hurts.
no fault
no awful deeds
we just don’t want the same things.

i’ve heard that line before.

now, we’re being friends
another ex to add to my collection
i imagine, every man i ever go out with claiming a deep desiere to be friends,
is some sort of compliment,
but
it stings.

he’s not the reason for my dip.
i had a sad day or two
and
then i was ready to move on.

the blackness had other ideas.
i’m fighting so hard
following all the rules
keep busy
don’t isolate
don’t blame myself
don’t feel guilty
don’t cry
don’t cry

i’m a model patient
i’m taking a fucking dance class.
i’m dating
i’m not cutting

my head remains unaltered
i wake up feeling the dread of another day
and
i struggle
every day
all day
not to hurt myself
or drug my self unconscious
just waiting for it to be late enough to go to bed again.

distractions don’t work
cutting works
i know the elation i’d feel
if i could only dig a blade into my skin
but
then i’ve really failed.

so, i continue with this new life
voluntary work
and
dance classes
and
drinks
and
big fake smiles
and
hope, hope, hope
the light returns.