Archive for disappointment

constant craving…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 03/05/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i almost cut today.
i got out my box. lifted the lid on the intruments i have missed so much.
that tin smells of blood.
i like it
i selected a scalpel handle & fitted a sharp new blade.
i spread a towel for the much anticipated blood.
i took my time finding the perfect spot.
somewhere soft & inviting.
a patch of skin eager to submit.
i sterilised my skin
and
sat there for hours.

i wanted to make that cut almost as much i wanted to be alive.

opening that box felt like coming home.
breathing in the aroma
feeling that scalpel in my hand
i was back where i belonged.

the thought of that first incision
the crimson emerging,
slowly sliding down my arm.

my heart is racing now at the thought

i want it.

i want blood
&
gore
&
pain
&
scars

i want stitches
and staples.
nerve damage
and infections.

i crave it so badly that i can hardly breathe.

i nearly cut today,but i knew if i started
i wouldn’t be able to stop.

i thought about the life that might be possible
and of all the people i’d be letting down.
i thought of athena
and
i put that box away.

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do you have an opinion, a mind of your own, i thought your were special …..

Posted in self harm with tags , , , , on 22/04/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i consider myself to be a very good friend.

i value loyalty

i try to be supportive

i often find it difficult to say no.

i have this need to fix things.

i am beginning to realise that i may sometimes me taken advantage of.

a very dear friend has let me down.

 

perhaps i expect too much,

but i don’t feel like i ask a lot.

i’d like to be allowed to not be ok.

to not be the strong one.

i would be such relief to have someone stand up for,

to be comforted for just a little while.

 

i am not coping well with this weeks events.

i trusted this person,

love them.

i’ve tried to protect ,

excuse,

reassure,

&

succour.

i don’t know why they would hurt me.

of course my head finds an explanation.

it’s because i am not good enough.

i didn’t do enough.

i can’t escape these feeling.

all the sadness confusion & self abuse spins around in my head

&

blends itself into a solution.

i take it out on myself.

i soothe the unbearable emotion with pain.

extract my sorrow in blood.