Archive for emotion

snippets from my diary (aka i can’t get the thoughts out of my head in any coherent way)

Posted in depression, insomnia, love, miscarriage, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , on 23/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime

23rd dec 2006

still here, still fucked. still hacking away at myself. still hiding in sleep. still watching sad movies & reading sad books because it’s easier to cry about someone else. still craving the blood. still loving the sensation of it trickling down my arm, dripping off my fingers. still in awe of the pool it creates on the floor. still nothing to equal the wet, slippy, warmth of it. still no release like watching the red spring from my pale skin, following it’s bright path on my flesh, tracing it’s way to my finger tips. still need that sharp heat as the scalpel slices my skin, the pain as i scrub the blood from my body. still feel the fear every time i cut a little deeper & the satisfaction that follows. i still live in a world marked with my blood. bloody puddles in the carpets, red reservoir in the sink. still blood on every door handle, every light switch. my crimson hand print still visible on the bathroom wall. still indulging in the ritual,stockpiling the blades, collecting the blood soaked rags. still searching for something sharper.pushing for something deeper. still, desperate for more blood. still here, still fucked.

26th dec 2006

i feel blue.i feel it welling up inside me. i know soon i’m going to be overflowing with emotion. the room will be flooded with bleakness & i’ll be drowned. i want to cry. i can taste the tears in the back of my throat.my heart feels bigger. like it’s swollen with sadness. i don’t know why i feel this way.i’m fairly certain  could reduce the swelling with my scalpel. just writing the words has started the buzz in my stomach. my body’s gearing up for carnage. this isn’t just in my mind. i want this from the pit of my stomach. what kind of crazy does that make me ?

19th feb 2007

cutting instead of sleeping again.been working on my arms for about an hour. i’m not sure if i can stop yet. watching the wounds fill with blood is soothing me. waiting for it to spill over & run down my arm. i used to watch raindrops on windows do the same when i was a wee girl. i liked it then too. there is something very wrong with me. earlier i looked out the window while i smoked a cigarette. i stood there trying to identify what i feel. searching for a name for this emotion. what i noticed was that all the other houses i could see were asleep. curtains closed, no lights. the street is quiet.i couldn’t help, but think of all the people in those houses and in all the houses in all the streets. they’re all sleeping peacefully. sunday night, alarm set for work in the morning. just sleeping. not staring out a window tearing through their minds. not sitting in bed tearing through their skin. why is it that they can manage it & i can’t? where did things go so wrong for me ? i read a trashy sunday paper that my brother’s friend left. britney has shaved her head. the tabloid’s view on why ? she is having a mental breakdown. she’s a fucking nutter. all she did was shave her hair off! can you imagine what headline they’d write about me ? if anyone actually cared to write about my life.i’m listening to “everybody’s gotta learn sometime” by beck. i love this song, it’s beautiful. it was in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. it’s one of my favourite films. the premise of it is that you can have your memory wiped. so this couple end up having their memories of their relationship wiped. problem is they meet & fall in love all over again. i love that film. i love that they can’t wipe out the love. as much as i love it, it just reinforces what i know is true anyway. i can’t change what i am. even if i could do it all over again, i’d make the mistakes. i’d wind up right back here . i’d still be spilling out my thoughts on a computer screen in the middle of night. i’d still be spilling my blood. now once you know that, where do you go ? i have no idea how i fix this. i don’t even know where to start. i know i can’t stop right now. that doesn’t scare me so much as the realisation that i don’t think i want too. i try to imagine a time when i won’t need to this. all the things i’d need to stop seem impossible. i’ve lost my ability to trust that things will be ok. not everyone gets a happy ending. some of us are miserable. some of die without fulfilling our dreams. some of us sit up all night trying to bleed out their problems. some of us are fucking crazy. 
  ” & i cherish the revolting thought,

that even if i quit

there’s not a chance in hell i’d stop.. ”

13th april 2008


the more i talk to the pysch the more i’m realising i used to be a different person. i liked that person and i can’t quite believe what i’ve become. almost every topic we discuss results in me admitting i feel giulty.always guilty. guilty for letting everyone down.guilty for letting myself down. i failed at the most important task ever given to me. i’ve just kept on failing ever since. i don’t trust myself not to fail.
it’s been so long, but i am still so angry.i blame him doing this to me. i blame me more for letting him. she gasped as i recounted the whole story. how could anyone behave that way and why did i let him ? he took the most important thing in the world from me.i could never prove it was his fault, but i feel it, i know it. i can’t ever forgive him. it’s why i’m alone. i can’t risk anyone being that important again. i can’t trust anyone not to shatter me again. i can’t trust myself not fail. not to forget who i am and risk things that should be protected at all costs. i should have been stronger. i should be stronger now.
i don’t know how to stop hurting. stop missing what i never had. stop feeling guilty about all things i am not.
what i want most in the world is to fall in love and have a family. i don’t know if i can ever have the courage to really try again.how could i trust him not to let me down and how could i trust me not to let us all down ?

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in the wee small hours of the morning……

Posted in depression, insomnia, self harm with tags , , , , , , on 18/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i have that terrible sensation in my stomach & chest.

it’s a sort of fizzing.

it means the thought of hurting myself has travelled from my mind

& taken root right in the centre of me.

i haven’t fully decided,

but it is unlikely that i will be able to resist its pull.

if i were sleeping,

this would not happen.

night time

is a dangerous time

i can occupy myself all day

even with the stupidest of tasks

i have appointments,

housework,

tv & books.

i can text or chat to friends.

i can go for a walk

visit my niece.

the world is awake

i’m just one more ordinary person

not so at night

normality ceases

my insomnia is just another symptom of crazy

i’m tired

i become less able to cope with my emotions.

i have no one to turn to.

nothing i do through the night seems “normal”

people don’t hoover at 1am.

i shouldn’t be eating, it’s the worst time to eat.

any form of distraction fails because it so obviously a distraction

i can’t relax

i can’t fool myself

i know what i am trying not to contemplate

which makes the thoughts even more powerful.

it’s often around this time that my mood starts to plummet

i feel scared

& the battle commences in my head.

sleep would conquer this

insomnia is an especially cruel part of depression.

it removes any hope of respite.

there is no escaping my head.

 

oh, how i wish i could sleep.

but we’re never gonna survive,unless we get a little crazy…….

Posted in ambition, depression, hope, identity crisis with tags , , , , , , on 09/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime
i used to have this passion burning inside me.

i believed in myself,

i knew i could achieve anything if i worked hard enough.

i wanted to change the world.

no,

more than that,

i believed i was changing the world,

that i was playing a small part in positive alteration.

i wrote

i danced

i worked

i loved

i studied

i sang

i marched

i lived.

i relished a challenge.

i was someone who had the answers.

when i thought of the future, i felt excitement bubble inside me.

i couldn’t wait to jump in.

i was so very sure that life would be good

and kind

and happy.

was that just naivety ?

i still want to change the world.

it just strikes me as a bit of stretch these days

i have yet to instigate meaningful changes in my own life,

the entire world seems a little out of reach.

i don’t understand where that girl went.

she was so robust.

i’d never have guessed that she’d fold.

i suppose she had to protect herself.

it seemed like the wisest thing at the time

anything in the name of self-preservation.

she had to shed some hope

and

build some barriers to survive.

now that she’s gone

i wonder if it was worth it.

the truth is,

i would give anything to be her again.

the problem is,

i don’t know if she exists anymore.

kiss me

Posted in love with tags , , , , , on 01/08/2010 by doyourememberthattime

gently pull me closer
as you wake
trace your fingers down my spine
dispel sleep
smoothly whisper your sweet dreams
set my skin alight
softly skim my breast,my neck,my lips
kiss me.
expertly draw you tongue around my lips
as i tremble
expose my flesh to the light
a new day
tenderly peel back my inhibitions
send my pulse racing
slowly open my mind, my heart,my lips
kiss me.

i hurt myself today

Posted in depression, self harm with tags , , , , , , , on 20/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

today i sat on my sofa

i calmly spread a towel across my knees

& rested my left arm upon it.

i removed the used,stained blade and slid on its fresh, sterile replacement.

i studied my arm,

selected my spot

just above the crook of my arm

i paused for a moment.

and, then, i made my first cut

no hysteria, no fuss.

just a calculated slice.

stamping my place,

red marks the spot

i continued to cut

slice after slice

until the wound began to gape.

i stopped,

lay down my scalpel

& lit a cigarette.

i smoked as i watched my blood flow down my arm.

and, then, i recommenced.

cut,cut,cut

wound opened wider

yellow globules of fat appeared.

again, i paused,

lit a cigarette,

and observed.

it continued.

i sat calmly on cutting & smoking.

releasing the thoughts i didn’t want to think,

allowing the sadness to soak into that bloodied towel.

today i sat on my sofa.

uncomfortably numb

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 08/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

somethings are so big, so awful, so terrifying that the only way to cope is to shut down my mind.

i’m numb.

people ask if i am ok & i tell that i am.

they ask if they can help & i tell them i can manage.

i do what needs to be done.

i make the calls.

i mediate.

i purchase required items.

i smile.

i say everything will be ok.

i wrap my arms around & hold as tight as i can

i say i love you

and i mean it.

i’d do anything to make it better.

i can’t bare to witness the pain.

i’ve switched off.

every part of my mind that is not immediatly required is on standby.

i can conquer this crisis.

i can apply my war paint.

and when i double bolt my door,

i can crumble.

i can stunt my emotions with

diazepam,

codeine,

zopiclone,

ANYTHING

i can slice into my beleagured flesh.

i can watch my blood drain away the panic.

just,

one more pill

one  more cut

pass out

and

do it all again tomorrow.

it’s got to be, worth it

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on 21/06/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i can’t make sense of what has been and i can’t believe in what is to come. all i’m left with is this.
right now.
i can take the years, but i dont know how i will get through the days. the only thing that makes sense to me is slicing it open and letting the blood wash it all away.

it’s worth it.

for the momentary peace.

it’s worth the relief from feeling too much and nothing at all.

it’s worth it to be in control of something.
it’s worth it every time.