Archive for failure

losing in front of your own crowd…

Posted in mental illness, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , on 21/04/2014 by doyourememberthattime

I find myself in unchartered territory.
I think I have edged myself closer to the edge of this pit of despair (dramatic enough for you?)
Now, I’m just nowhere
I mostly want to sleep
And
Bleed

I have very quickly become obsessed with bloodletting again.
I hate the thought of it pulsing through my veins
There is absolutely, definitely too much.
I need it out
It’s all I can think of.
All of the time.

I’m failing.
I’m too sick
Too tired
I can’t keep up with my desired blood loss
It’s driving me insane
I feel utterly pathetic
I can’t find the energy to get it out
And
I can’t bear to have it in

It all sounds like an excuse to me
I am so angry with myself
This is one thing I can do
Underperforming in this area is unacceptable
The self-hatred is really piling up.
I’m nowhere.
Nowhere.

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i hate you so much right now…..

Posted in depression, mental health, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 26/06/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i hate that i am fat. shallow, but true.

 

i hate that i let people down.

 

i hate that i can’t find my fluffy white towels.

 

i hate the way i abuse myself.

 

i hate the way i let myself off the hook.

 

i hate that i never manage to get my eyebrows threaded before they look awful.

 

i hate that i am no where near fulfilling my potential.

 

i hate being weak.

 

i hate being ill.

 

i hate that i sometimes lie to avoid the stigma.

 

i hate that i don’t change light bulbs as soon as they go out.

 

i hate that i have not finished writing my book.

 

i hate the my intellectual vanity.

 

i hate being such a disappointment.

 

i hate that i do little to make the world a better place.

 

i hate that i have no savings.

 

i hate the fact that i keep loving the wrong people.

 

i hate being out of control.

 

i hate that i want to cut for no reason.

 

i hate that i get scared and cancel appointments. frequently.

 

i hate that sometimes my little sister has to worry about me.

 

i hate that my peircings keep rejecting.

 

i hate that i haven’t cut.

 

i hate that i am jealous of other people’s happiness.

 

i hate that i get too dizzy to wear any of my beautiful heels.

 

i hate that i feel lonely.

 

i hate listening to the whining in my own head.

 

i hate that i do not have any children.

 

i hate it when people ask me if i have “any of my own”.

 

i hate being the only single person in most rooms.

 

i hate that i hate that.

 

i hate the my nails are too soft and always break.

 

i hate that my breasts sag. a lot.

 

i hate that my internet is so slow.

 

i hate that my windows need washed.

 

i hate that i never want anyone in my flat.

i hate how much of a cop out this list is.

 

i hate that i feel too self conscious to dance freely.

 

i hate that i sometimes take sleeping pills just to escape my life.

 

i hate that everyone makes a big deal about me not being able to drive.

 

i hate that life is passing me by.

 

i hate that i can’t fix everything for the people i love.

 

i hate my scars.

 

i hate that i don’t hate my scars.

 

i hate that i am not the person i want to be.

 

i hate that i am not the person i used to be.

 

i hate that there are not more things on this list.

 

i hate that this list doesn’t even come close to expressing how i really feel about myself.