Archive for family

life is what happens to you whilst you’re busy making other plans…..

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 12/02/2013 by doyourememberthattime

sometimes, i’ll be in a shop and i see something she’d like
and
i forget.
just for minute, then, i remember
and i’m that crazy lady who crys in public.

every call reminds me of how much she is growing
changing
experiencing
without me

i am missing too much

so much happens everyday
in her life
and
her head

i used to know all her whims
her favourites
who cried at nursery
which toy she wanted most in the bath

the little details that make up her world

now, i’m constantly playing catch up
she talks about kids i don’t know
goes places i’ve never been.
i’m missing all the background detail.

facetime & skype make it easier
but
it’s not enough

i want to tickle her
make her cereal in the morning
see all the new things she learns
because she learns new things everyday

new words pop up in her vocabularly
her accent is changing
her hair is so long
i want to put it into bunches
and
side ponies
and
play with her curls

i want to be there from the moment she opens her eyes
until she closes them again
i want all the nonsense inbetween.

i miss my muffin.

Advertisements

a house is not a home…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on 31/08/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t written a some time.
mostly because i haven’t had anything to say about
the situation i find myself in.

i’m not sure if i can be any more lucid now
but
it feels time to try.

my niece is gone.
it is even harder than i anticipated
my life feels incerdibly empty without her
i
feel
empty

in the big picture
she’s still my reason
but
day to day
my life has no meaning

the way i miss my brother
has taken by surprise.
i knew i’d miss him
but
i didn’t realise that i’d feel i had a missing part
we’ve always been a foursome
two girls
two boys
and, now one of is gone
the eldest piece of our puzzle
is
lost.

it feels wrong

so, i exist between skype calls,
live for their half hour duration
quietly die when she kisses the screen
goodbye

i’m not going to recite the details of my daily decline
it’s tawdry
boring
and
pitiful

it just felt time to
write
something.

give me hope, help me cope with this heavy load….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 18/01/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i thought i’d know how to do this,
but
i don’t.

grief is not a stranger
loss
not an unfamiliar concept

it turns out
you
can’t
learn this

i feel lost.
i wasn’t ready for this
how can you ever be ready ?

i’m scared i am getting it wrong
i know that doesn’t make sense,
but
when did that ever stop me

i need it to be the way
he
would want it

our relationship was so uncomplicated
it never become muddled
with
crazy

i was always the same person to him
and
he was always what i needed him to be

safe
stable
loving

he was a connection to
everything
good
a life that is almost gone

i can’t articulate
who he was
or
how i will miss him

practise does not make perfect
i do not know how to do this

for granda

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 17/01/2012 by doyourememberthattime

there wasn’t anyway for me to prepare for you leaving ,
but, i pray we got it right.
i hope that you felt our love surrounding you in your final days
& that you continue be warmed by it now.

mostly i want to thank you,
for always being exactly what we needed.
from the spark you brought to my childhood holidays
to the tales of your wartime escapdes
you always had a very special kind of magic.

i know you are with gran now
that you are at peace
& hopefully they got your tea the way you like it.
i want you to be certain of the huge impact you made on my life,
rest easy, granda
you got it so right.

you will always be with me
i will continue to strive to make you proud
and
of course, i will never forget your wisest words…

up here for thinking
down there for dancing

i love you.

how wondefrul life is, now you’re in the world

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 29/12/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i love that you still call me auntie auntie when you are tired
they way you lift my head to look at the freckles in my head
it’s adorable when you shake your little bum
whilst dancing
how much you love my handbag
and
how you drag it about if it is too heavy to lift

it blows me away
when
you excuse yourself after burping
or
bless me
if i sneeze

you can not imagine how funny it is
to
watch
you boss about thr nig giant dogs
telling them
to
calm down
and behave
& how sweet it is when you pat my head
and tell me good boy
as though
i
too
am a big lumbering pup

it breaks my heart when you cry for me
i hate to leave
when
you’re asking to ahve your shoes on
& saying let’s go.

i am so proud to listen to you
recite your colours
count to ten
name dinosaurs
and
sing your songs
oh, how you love to sing

it makes me feel warm inside
to watch you sleep
feel you little hand grasp mine
the way you sometimes
wake
and
check
i am still there

your sneaky attempts to get out of bed
astound me
such a clever little mind
always noting what works
trying to charm me
if all else fails

your total lack of fear
is wonderful
be it sliding down big schutes
or
wanting to pick up giant spiders

your natural curiosity
and
propensity for joy
gives me a reason to breathe
knowing i can make you laugh
and
squel delight
provide me with purpose

these and so many other things
brighten my days
this is just a tiny snippet
of how amazing you are

believe me baby,
i never understood
how wonderful life was
until you were in my world.

therapy is speedie’s brand new drug…….

Posted in depression, family, hope, love, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 24/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i see a psychologist and am undergoing cbt therapy. i have being in treatment for a significant amount of time and thus far my progress seems somewhat stunted.

 i have never really discussed much of my therapy on this blog.

 i don’t know why that is. i certainly find it useful.

i do try to put the things i learn there in to practice. i have trouble getting results.

 the theory is very clear.

 i find it difficult to impact on my actual feelings.

 intellectually, i embrace it

 emotionally, i am confounded.

 my psychologist would like to start working on my relationships more closely. we have obviously discussed the important people in my life before, but he thinks the impact of these relationship could withstand some closer inspection.

i think he is most probably correct.

i have a huge need to compensate the people i love for the trouble i cause them.

 i carry a huge guilt.

 it is not easy to have someone like me in your life.

 i am very aware of tha.

t i feel that ultimately, my problems are mostly my own fault

, i made bad decisions, i allowed people to treat me badly & i failed to deal with the results well.

 i know that i am to blame. i must therefore clean up my own mess.

 inconvenience, pain, worry, embarrassment of others is not acceptable.

 i have spent a lot of time trying to challenge these feelings, but i have never been convinced that i am wrong.

 i am at fault.

that is fact.

of course these beliefs effect how i behave towards family & friends.

 i am a burden and i am duty bound to lighten the load of knowing me

 or make up for that weight.

 as a result i often have difficulty saying no.

 i feel responsible for the people i live being safe & happy.

 i have an urge to make everything better for everyone.

 this can leave me open to be taking advantage of.

add to this my need to mother &  you have a potent mixture.

these are just some of the things i am going to be working on in therapy. i’m hoping for a breakthrough.

blood on my hands to stay strong….

Posted in depression, family, miscarriage, pregnancy, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , on 22/12/2010 by doyourememberthattime

My friend is 6wks pregnant.

She told me tonight.

She has been trying for a while & i am happy for her.

I’m excited.

I want that to be the full extent  of how i feel,

 

But it never is.

 

I’ve been through this quite a few times now.

And it’s always the same.

Happy for them and so very sad for me.

 

Everytime, i wonder, when will it be me ?

Everytime ,i hate myself for being so selfish.

Everytime, i feel this gaping hole at the centre of me

 

I’m losing hope that i will ever be able to fill it.

 

I feel an actual physical pain.

I yearn for all the memories i never got to make

All the tears and smiles i’ve missed.

My heart breaks that my boy never got the chance to call me mummy

I am terrified that no one will ever call me mummy.

 

I feel so incredibly lonely.

i know it’s not the answer

but

the only respite i know is in self destruction

i bleed to survive.

I’ll cut this sadness out.