Archive for fat acceptance

that i would be good….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 19/08/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i am fat.
that’s a fact not an insult.

for many years I have been a comfort eater.
as you can imagine, depression isn’t helpful with this problem.
in my bleakest times I also lose the motivation to prepare proper meals.
i exist on whatever food stuffs require the least effort.
it’s a vicious circle.
i feel awful, i eat terribly, the weight gain gives me further reason to berate myself, and i feel worse.

the truth is I hate my body
i try very hard to accept the body I have
and
love myself
but
i have never really been able to
sadly, I tend towards hating myself inside & out.

I am ashamed of my body
i’m not sure that many people would know that I feel that way
i project a like it or lump it attitude,
i would dearly love to feel.

i fully support the fat pride movement
i don’t judge other people’s bodies in the way that I do my own.
there is a familiar disconnect when self-compassion is required.

i don’t know if my lack of self-love is part of my depression
my therapist has often told me that my inner critic is overly developed.
i consider my fatness a failure
but
as a feminist I feel my belief in that notion is a bigger failure
i attack myself on all fronts.

i have successfully lost lots of weight in the past
unfortunately the only way I have manage to do this is by practically starving myself
hence, it is never sustainable
perhaps I am meant to be fat?
I find that idea a little frightening.

the problem is, i genuinely feel better about myself when I am slimmer
not thin
i’ve never wanted to be skinny
i like curves
i enjoy being a big woman
just not this big.

i’m not entirely sure where my loathing originates
obviously I live in a world that perpetuates the myth that only thin is beautiful
but
personally, I have not found my everyday relationships have been affected by my weight
i have never had difficulty making friends
nor have I been lacking in romantic or sexual attention.
why then do I find myself body so repulsive?
others clearly don’t.

i have been immersing myself in the fat pride movement
my hope is that seeing other fat bodies in a positive light will allow me to view my own body more lovingly.
i suspect that i would be a happier person if i could accept myself
it would be a step towards seeing that i am enough.

One day i would like to be able to say
i am good, just as i am.

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with love from me to you – a little advice

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I have had some search terms that have compelled to write another little advice type post. Hopefully this post will help someone feel a little better.
I self-harmed because I felt fat.
I am not sure if readers of this bog are aware, but I am a plus sized woman. I‘ll be honest I struggle with body positivity. We live in a world where thin is worshipped. We are constantly told there is only one kind of beauty. That is categorically wrong. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Fat does not equal ugly. I understand that this can be hard to believe. I have found a lot of support and inspiration from the fat acceptance movement. I would recommend that you check this out. It’s a loving & affirming community. I also love ‘fatshion’ blogs, big beautiful woman rocking gorgeous clothes. Searching for fat acceptance on tumblr & pinterest is a good entry into the fat pride world. Below are also a couple of links to my favourite fatshion blogs, both have a feminist slant & will make you feel good.
http://www.archedeyebrow.com
http://www.nearsightedowl.com

I feel so ugly & embarrassed about my self harm scars
Your scars are not ugly. I’m sure those words seem empty to you, but they are true. Scars show so many things, that you’ve survived, that you’ve had to fight, your vulnerability & strength; you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I know it is scary to face other people’s judgement, but you are stronger than them. No one is perfect. We all have flaws. Try to surround yourself with people who accept you as you are. If that is a struggle in real life, you can find communities online to provide support & help you educate friends & family members. Twitter is an excellent resource for finding people experiencing and advocating for mental illness. I am happy to help any of my readers, please feel free to get in contact & I will do what I can.

Self-harm scars forever alone
Dating and relationships can be scary when you have self-harm scars. It’s very difficult to know when to reveal that you have struggled with self-harm or mental illness in general. You are never guaranteed a positive reaction, it can feel hopeless. However, I can tell you from my own experience that this is not the case. I have had both long & short term relationships during the 14yrs I have been self-harming. I have slept with women & men mostly with little conversation about my scars. Of course mental illness can cause problems in a relationship. It can be very difficult for a loved one to know that you are hurting yourself, but it is possible to overcome these issues. I can honestly say that I have never been rejected because of my scars (which are extensive). You can & will find love.

I’ll finish with some general advice for all my readers.
If you are struggling with self-harm, please seek help. Find someone you feel comfortable talking to & tell them you need help. As terrifying as it sounds, your gp is a great first step. The sooner you seek help, the better. Self-harm spirals out of control very quickly. Please, please, please do not try to do this alone. You need and deserve help. Trust me; you will be glad you reached out. Do not hesitate to contact me if you feel I could help you do this.