Archive for fat

big is beautiful…

Posted in body positivity, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 27/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

Cosmopolitan website featured an interview with two fat women that caught my eye. Cosmo is not usually a publication I favour, but this interview was a rare beauty. An honest & mostly positive account of life as a plus sized woman. The article was a big hit with the plus size blogging community & a number of bloggers have answered the questions in their own words. I have decided to join the pack because the world needs more body positive voices.

How do you feel when other women around you complain about feeling/being fat?
This is a hard question for me because I have such mixed feelings. Of course it can make me feel bad when women who are much smaller than me complain about being fat, but I don’t think I have the right to police their thoughts & feelings. I am learning to love my body and I would like others to feel the same. However it’s not my place to tell others how they should feel about their bodies. I will always be supportive & body positive, but I’m not going to censure people for having insecurities.
How has your body image changed since high school/college?
I was slim when I was younger. I started to gain some weight ay university, but I was far from plus sized. Despite that I always felt fat. I believed I was the biggest in my group of friends, wouldn’t wear certain types of clothes and generally didn’t feel very attractive. When I look back at pictures I realise this was nonsense. When I did actually become fat there wasn’t a huge shift in how I felt about myself as I already thought very negatively about my body.

Have you ever tried dieting? What happened?
Yush! I have dieted on & off for years. I am very successful at losing weight, but have never been able to maintain the loss. This is mostly because dieting always becomes very extreme for me. I start of trying to stick to a healthy eating plan, but it descends into a crazy regime. I usually end up restricting myself to about 500 cals a day, which anyone will tell you is not sustainable. I’ll be honest, I feel fantastic when I am loss huge amounts of weight. It just isn’t worth what I do to myself to get achieve it.
Do you think in your case your weight is partly or entirely genetic?
I don’t think I have the kind of body that is ever going to be skinny, but no, my weight is not genetic.
Do you consider yourself healthy? Have there been instances where people assumed you were unhealthy?
I’m not healthy, but that has nothing to do with my weight. I am plagued by a number of chronic conditions, which greatly impact my life. On the other hand my cholesterol level is very good; my blood pressure is low and so on. Losing weight would not improve any of illnesses I suffer from.
Are your parents both supportive of the weight you are at? Have they always been?
Neither of my parents is ever cruel or forceful about their desire for me to lose weight, but I am aware that they would prefer me to be smaller. They have both been very happy when I have lost weight in the past.

How do you think retailers can improve clothes for plus-sized people?
Basically, I want the same clothes as smaller women. Just make all your clothes in bigger sizes & let me decide how I want to dress instead of making assumptions about what fat women want to wear. The only retailer I am aware of who do this are ASOS. I highly recommend their curve range. Oh & stop charging me so much.
Do you think plus-size women are judged differently than plus-sized men?
Yes. There are so many visible fat man on tv, films etc. Large men are portrayed as successful and attractive. You often see very fat men with gorgeous partners and fulfilling lives. On the other hand fat women in the media are usually the joke. They’re the stupid big women who thinks someone might be attracted to her (haha, gross) or the miserable failure. Male actors are allowed to be fat in a way that women are not. There is one version of female beauty in mainstream media and it is not fat.
Do you think there is an assumption made/stereotype that exists about plus-size people? How would you respond to it?
Lazy, unattractive, unsuccessful & unpopular. I respond to that by living my life complete with friends, accomplishments & hot men.
Do you think there is ever a right way or time to express concern about someone’s weight?
Do you suspect that someone has an eating disorder? If not, no.
What are the worst things people have said to you about your body?
I think I have been lucky in that I don’t often get negative comments about my weight. I’ve had men I’ve turned down resort to fat slurs. Similarly I have had a few people throw some names at me during arguments/disagreements. That doesn’t happen often & I tend not to keep folks like that in my life.

What have people said (or do you wish they’d say) that would complement your body or appearance?
I want to hear the same things as anyone else. I don’t need specific compliments because I’m fat.
Do you find yourself hanging out with women who are closer to your size?
Nope. I have friends of all shapes and sizes. Physical attributes have no impact on whom I form friendships with.
How has weight affected your sex life, if at all?
It hasn’t. To be honest I think I have a more active & exciting sex life than most of social circle.
When you’ve been single, has your weight affected your dating life?
Only in that I haven’t always felt attractive. I get the same amount of romantic attention fat as I did thin. It hasn’t stopped me dating anyone I wanted to date. Nor has anyone I’ve been in a relationship with ever had a problem with my size. I am sure there are people who look at me & think yuck, fat. Since I have no desire to date anyone harbouring those feelings it has no impact on my life.
Do you feel weird if the guy you’re with only dates larger women?
I would if he was only with me because I was fat, but that goes for any other single attribute. I want a person to want all of me. Having said that I have no problem with someone being attracted to larger women. If I did I would be saying there is something wrong with being fat. Why shouldn’t folk prefer fat women? As long as that’s not the only attraction, it’s fine with me.

Do you feel weird if he’s only dated slimmer women before?
No. I’m not really interested in who he’s dated before. He’s with me now; he clearly likes & fancies me. Who cares about the past?

You can find the original interview here
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/fat-women-real-talk

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i love you just the way you are….

Posted in body positivity with tags , , , , , , , , , on 02/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

On the way home from Australia I got stuck in Perth for around 13hrs.

There isn’t a huge variety of shops or distractions at the airport, so time dragged.

There appeared to be a few flights delayed that night

Some folks had clearly spent their wait in the bar.

 

I grabbed a frozen coke, found a comfy sofa & settled down with a book.

I passed a couple of quiet hours like that.

I was totally absorbed in John Irving’s wonderful fictional world

And

So was unaware of events around me until I heard raised voices.

I looked up to discover three rather drunk men sat on the sofa opposite me.

They were shouting at a bar maid to bring them a drink immediately.

A young man sat beside me asked them to treat the bar maid with some respect.

This caused the drunken men to round on him.

They began mocking his appearance, before moving onto racial slurs.

I felt very uncomfortable & asked the young man if he as ok.

Obviously, that was a mistake.

Their rancour was now turned on me.

The began by attacking my figure. Apparently I am disgustingly fat.

Predictably there followed some references to my scars.

It was an unpleasant experience.

 

However, the reason I write, is because my reaction surprised me.

I told them my body was my business

And

Walked away.

This sort of thing would usually upset me.

I have spoken before about my self-esteem issues, especially in relation to my size.

That night, I felt angry that those men thought they could abuse three strangers,

But I was not wounded.

I honestly didn’t care what they thought of body.

I am fat

And

That’s ok.

 

I know I keep banging on about Australia, but it really was a revelation.

The heat out there forced me to wear more revealing clothes.

Bare legs & arms

Short dresses & vests.

I began to like what I saw in the mirror.

I received quite a few compliments down under

I was chatted up by some very attractive men

It boosted my confidence.

I felt sexy.

 

Now, I’m not saying Brisbane magically made all my body shame disappear,

But I did take some big steps in the right direction.

I am experimenting with clothes I would have been scared of before my trip

I am pleased with the results

Other people have noticed

I feel so much more positive about my body.

 

I’d still like to lose a little weight

I still feel self-conscious,

But

My figure doesn’t fill me with hate anymore

I’m learning to appreciate my shape.

 

I am edging closer to knowing that I am ok

Just the way I am.

that i would be good….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 19/08/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i am fat.
that’s a fact not an insult.

for many years I have been a comfort eater.
as you can imagine, depression isn’t helpful with this problem.
in my bleakest times I also lose the motivation to prepare proper meals.
i exist on whatever food stuffs require the least effort.
it’s a vicious circle.
i feel awful, i eat terribly, the weight gain gives me further reason to berate myself, and i feel worse.

the truth is I hate my body
i try very hard to accept the body I have
and
love myself
but
i have never really been able to
sadly, I tend towards hating myself inside & out.

I am ashamed of my body
i’m not sure that many people would know that I feel that way
i project a like it or lump it attitude,
i would dearly love to feel.

i fully support the fat pride movement
i don’t judge other people’s bodies in the way that I do my own.
there is a familiar disconnect when self-compassion is required.

i don’t know if my lack of self-love is part of my depression
my therapist has often told me that my inner critic is overly developed.
i consider my fatness a failure
but
as a feminist I feel my belief in that notion is a bigger failure
i attack myself on all fronts.

i have successfully lost lots of weight in the past
unfortunately the only way I have manage to do this is by practically starving myself
hence, it is never sustainable
perhaps I am meant to be fat?
I find that idea a little frightening.

the problem is, i genuinely feel better about myself when I am slimmer
not thin
i’ve never wanted to be skinny
i like curves
i enjoy being a big woman
just not this big.

i’m not entirely sure where my loathing originates
obviously I live in a world that perpetuates the myth that only thin is beautiful
but
personally, I have not found my everyday relationships have been affected by my weight
i have never had difficulty making friends
nor have I been lacking in romantic or sexual attention.
why then do I find myself body so repulsive?
others clearly don’t.

i have been immersing myself in the fat pride movement
my hope is that seeing other fat bodies in a positive light will allow me to view my own body more lovingly.
i suspect that i would be a happier person if i could accept myself
it would be a step towards seeing that i am enough.

One day i would like to be able to say
i am good, just as i am.

with love from me to you – a little advice

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I have had some search terms that have compelled to write another little advice type post. Hopefully this post will help someone feel a little better.
I self-harmed because I felt fat.
I am not sure if readers of this bog are aware, but I am a plus sized woman. I‘ll be honest I struggle with body positivity. We live in a world where thin is worshipped. We are constantly told there is only one kind of beauty. That is categorically wrong. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Fat does not equal ugly. I understand that this can be hard to believe. I have found a lot of support and inspiration from the fat acceptance movement. I would recommend that you check this out. It’s a loving & affirming community. I also love ‘fatshion’ blogs, big beautiful woman rocking gorgeous clothes. Searching for fat acceptance on tumblr & pinterest is a good entry into the fat pride world. Below are also a couple of links to my favourite fatshion blogs, both have a feminist slant & will make you feel good.
http://www.archedeyebrow.com
http://www.nearsightedowl.com

I feel so ugly & embarrassed about my self harm scars
Your scars are not ugly. I’m sure those words seem empty to you, but they are true. Scars show so many things, that you’ve survived, that you’ve had to fight, your vulnerability & strength; you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I know it is scary to face other people’s judgement, but you are stronger than them. No one is perfect. We all have flaws. Try to surround yourself with people who accept you as you are. If that is a struggle in real life, you can find communities online to provide support & help you educate friends & family members. Twitter is an excellent resource for finding people experiencing and advocating for mental illness. I am happy to help any of my readers, please feel free to get in contact & I will do what I can.

Self-harm scars forever alone
Dating and relationships can be scary when you have self-harm scars. It’s very difficult to know when to reveal that you have struggled with self-harm or mental illness in general. You are never guaranteed a positive reaction, it can feel hopeless. However, I can tell you from my own experience that this is not the case. I have had both long & short term relationships during the 14yrs I have been self-harming. I have slept with women & men mostly with little conversation about my scars. Of course mental illness can cause problems in a relationship. It can be very difficult for a loved one to know that you are hurting yourself, but it is possible to overcome these issues. I can honestly say that I have never been rejected because of my scars (which are extensive). You can & will find love.

I’ll finish with some general advice for all my readers.
If you are struggling with self-harm, please seek help. Find someone you feel comfortable talking to & tell them you need help. As terrifying as it sounds, your gp is a great first step. The sooner you seek help, the better. Self-harm spirals out of control very quickly. Please, please, please do not try to do this alone. You need and deserve help. Trust me; you will be glad you reached out. Do not hesitate to contact me if you feel I could help you do this.

blood on the rise, it’s following me….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 10/06/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i cut.
265 days. Void.

in the end there wasn’t any particular trigger
i had bad day
no worse than the few that went before it
a flip just switched
i started to feel like I could
like I should
and
that was that

i had been so scared of forgetting how
i thought I might get rusty without the continuous practise
i needn’t have worried
it had never been easier.

I intended to take my time,
make a small cut
dip my blade in
but
the blood flooded my senses
i was in deep before I was even properly aware of it

it felt good.

the blood under my fingernails
the little globs of yellow fat on my hands
the pulsing blue network
the pain
the calm

i expected to feel worse
i’m a little ashamed
i don’t want people to know
but
if this could be my secret
i’d happily dive back into the self-destructive depths.

i hate you so much right now…..

Posted in depression, mental health, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 26/06/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i hate that i am fat. shallow, but true.

 

i hate that i let people down.

 

i hate that i can’t find my fluffy white towels.

 

i hate the way i abuse myself.

 

i hate the way i let myself off the hook.

 

i hate that i never manage to get my eyebrows threaded before they look awful.

 

i hate that i am no where near fulfilling my potential.

 

i hate being weak.

 

i hate being ill.

 

i hate that i sometimes lie to avoid the stigma.

 

i hate that i don’t change light bulbs as soon as they go out.

 

i hate that i have not finished writing my book.

 

i hate the my intellectual vanity.

 

i hate being such a disappointment.

 

i hate that i do little to make the world a better place.

 

i hate that i have no savings.

 

i hate the fact that i keep loving the wrong people.

 

i hate being out of control.

 

i hate that i want to cut for no reason.

 

i hate that i get scared and cancel appointments. frequently.

 

i hate that sometimes my little sister has to worry about me.

 

i hate that my peircings keep rejecting.

 

i hate that i haven’t cut.

 

i hate that i am jealous of other people’s happiness.

 

i hate that i get too dizzy to wear any of my beautiful heels.

 

i hate that i feel lonely.

 

i hate listening to the whining in my own head.

 

i hate that i do not have any children.

 

i hate it when people ask me if i have “any of my own”.

 

i hate being the only single person in most rooms.

 

i hate that i hate that.

 

i hate the my nails are too soft and always break.

 

i hate that my breasts sag. a lot.

 

i hate that my internet is so slow.

 

i hate that my windows need washed.

 

i hate that i never want anyone in my flat.

i hate how much of a cop out this list is.

 

i hate that i feel too self conscious to dance freely.

 

i hate that i sometimes take sleeping pills just to escape my life.

 

i hate that everyone makes a big deal about me not being able to drive.

 

i hate that life is passing me by.

 

i hate that i can’t fix everything for the people i love.

 

i hate my scars.

 

i hate that i don’t hate my scars.

 

i hate that i am not the person i want to be.

 

i hate that i am not the person i used to be.

 

i hate that there are not more things on this list.

 

i hate that this list doesn’t even come close to expressing how i really feel about myself.

big girls don’t cry…..

Posted in self harm with tags , , , , , , on 16/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime
i feel fat.

i truely hate my body.

i am disgusted with my physical appearance.

i have lost a lot of weight over the past 2 years.

i was reasonably content with how i looked for a short period.

i suppose i have become more concerned with my weight than is healthy

but i am over weight.

the weight loss has slowed to an almost halt

i am not over eating

i have cut out the all the junk food

but

the blubber won’t budge

the more fat & unattractive i feel

the more i want to hurt myself

i do not like myself

inside or out.

i feel like a failure

i believe i look like a failure too.

i don’t want to over think this

i do not want to develop any more of a food issue ,

but,

i can’t seem to seize control

and

control is everything.

i like feeling hungry

i feel proud of myself

i know i haven’t been weak

i haven’t given in to my gluttonous desires.

if i do submit to my appetite

blood seems a reasonable recourse

it restores the balance

processing these thoughts into words has created cause for concern