Archive for fear

you win again…

Posted in mental health, recovery, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 28/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

I had yet another hospital appointment.
this time with an orthopaedic surgeon.
for the last year or so i have been having difficulties with my left hand & arm.
my gp thought it might be related to my b12 defiecency as i also lose feeling in my toes.
apparently that is a completely separate issue.
my problem is in fact, nerve damage.
damage caused by me.

i have a splint to wear and have injections for the next three months.
the consultant will then decide how to proceed surgically.
i’m not thrilled about having another procedure
but
there is so much more to it.

i feel so very guilty.
i am entirely responsible for this.
most of me feels i don’t deserve to have this impairment corrected.
i feel unworthy
i unnecessarily deplete resources.

worse than that,
i feel that this will never be over.
self-harm will always be with me.
whether it’s the constant desire to hurt myself
or
the ongoing consequences of what i’ve done to my body.

all those years of people telling me how dangerous my cutting was
it never felt real to me.
it’s real now.

i’m living with the damage i didn’t believe i could do
my heart
my hand
perhaps this is my punishment

i should be happy
i always wanted to castigate myself
i’ve succeeded

all i have achieved is becoming even more of a burden
now people i love have another reason to worry about me
i require further medical intervention
i am a drain.

even now, I’m whining.
i’ve done it
i need to live with it.
i could
if other people didn’t have to be involved.

i’m comfortable with pain
i still seek it out.
i am beginning to wonder why i keep fighting the urge
if the shadow of self-harm is going to hang over me forever
why not just give in to it?

the shame
and
the guilt
and
fear
are constant companions

so, maybe i let it win.
isn’t it winning anyway?

caught in a trap….

Posted in miscarriage with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 23/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

the cramps take me back to place I don’t want to go

this feels so horribly familiar

we’re alone

i’m so scared

i want everything to be ok

but

i already know nothing is ever going to be alright again

 

i’m trapped in memories

i can feel it all over again

 

something is going very wrong inside me

my beautiful new life is slipping away

the life that i have fallen in love with

i have no power

how do stop this from happening ?

i am not equipped to deal with this

there is no one to help me

 

i already feel so inadequate

i should have shielded you

you are my sole responsibility

i lost sight of that

i haven’t fought hard enough

i’m losing you

with every hot spasm

i know

you’re dying

 

the blood brings it all rushing back

 

all control is lost

if I could only halt this tide

perhaps your heart would keep beating

i want to protect you

someone please help me.

 

don’t tell me there is nothing you can do

don’t tell me its god’s plan

don’t tell me it’s over.

 

i need a miracle

i need someone to save us.

A letter from my past…

Posted in depression, mental health, suicide with tags , , , , , , , , on 12/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

I was looking through some old notebooks & I stumbled upon this letter. It surprised me how hard it was to read it. I am grateful that I am no longer in that awful place, but I am terrified of going back there.

For the important ones,

I’m gone. If my death was avoidable, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger. I apologise for anything you feel I’ve robbed you of & the hurt I’ve caused. I do love you all, I’m do very sorry that wasn’t enough.

My days are often bright, but I never feel completely safe. My dark cloud can return at any time, always threatening to bully me into submission. I’m writing this because I’m almost certain I won’t survive another storm.

There’s nothing any of you could have done. I’m broken. The damage is irreversible. I can’t get back. Any peace I’ve found is not sustainable. I’m tired & I’m sad. I know I may soon lie down.

I’ll miss you all, take care of each other.

there is no such thing in life as normal…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 06/06/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i don’t feel good today
everything is too close to the surface
i am fragile
and
raw

I think, perhaps, I’m not really here
nothing feels real
except
the
fear

that’s too real
too deep
too much

I’d run away if I had anywhere to run to
but
It’s me I want to hide from

I want to climb out of my skin
and
my head

i need a little holiday from my life
an opportunity to be calm.
no guilt or pain.
Oh, what I’d give to just be normal

all those years that my body worked exactly as it should
and
my head behaved itself
and
i didn’t know i should be reveling in it
i didn’t know how fucking remarkable that was

i wish i could remember how that felt.

i don’t believe in fear, i don’t believe in pain…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 19/03/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t written much about my physical health problems
i don’t know why
increasingly the physical is as debilitating as the mental health problems.

today has been a black hole of pain
the maximum dose of painkillers has little impact.
i’m not experiencing the worst pain i’ve known
but
it’s constant
day after day

simple tasks have become mammoth jobs
moving hurts
eating hurts
i can’t concentrate on anything long enough for it to offer distraction
the pain makes it hard to sleep
and
wakes me when i do manage to drift off

it grinds me down
i feel trapped both in my home
and
in my body

my stomach is a firey ball
my chest aches
the nerve damage in my arm is causing excruciating shooting pains
and the limb feels like dead weight
it goes weak at random intervals
meaning i drop, sometimes, dangerous items

i’m afraid of the pain
terrified
i plead with god to make it stop

i’m more frightening of the consequences of my pain
i want to work
i want to rejoin society
i am working so hard to resolve my mental ill health
if my physical ailments can’t be managed
it may all be in vain
i worry that no one will ever employ me

i am missing my life.
i am tired of saying no
because i’m sore
or sick
or in fear.

for now
i’m just hoping tomorrow is a good day.

i hurt myself today…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 14/03/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t cut in 175 days.
i couldn’t say with complete confidence that it’s a good thing.
the last few weeks have been bad.
i feel as though i’ve taken a thousand steps back.
i am so lost
and
scared
and
desperate to hurt myself.

the self imposed ban on cutting was supposed to improve my life
i was told i’d despise myself less
i would discover i had some worth
the need to destroy myself would disapate.

bullshit

last night i beat my hand with a marble pestle
i’m fairly certain i’ve broken some bones
but
i can’t stop
i watch it puff
&
swell
&
bruise

i finally win a little peace

i can escape from the fear
there has been so much fear.

someone knocks my door
& i find myself hiding in the office
heart racing
hands sweating
terrified

of what, i have no idea.

the fear doesn’t actually need a trigger.
i wake up afraid
scared of having to get through another day

there are so many days
most with no purpose
no joy
no meaning

pain has meaning
inflicting pain upon myself is natural
it’s right

so, i haven’t cut in 175 days
but
i’ve hit myself with a hammer
torn off toenails
pierced my flesh with needles
pressed salt & ice in my skin until it blisters
broken finger bones….
the list will go on
i will always find new ways

” i cherish the revolting thought,
that even i quit,
there’s not a chance in hell i’d stop “

here comes the fear again….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 10/02/2013 by doyourememberthattime

143 days.
i know i should be proud
maybe a tiny little part of me is
i can recognise that this is a huge achievment for me
unfortunately
the bigger part of me feels guilty
and
ashamed.

i’m a fraud
i still think about it everyday
my mind conjures up the most horrific images.
i deserve it.
i should be atoning for my mistakes.
i should be tearing my body apart
the guilt of not hurting myself,
of deceiving those i care about most
is killing me.

i do not feel better
i miss the blood
i crave the blood
i imagine it flowing inside me
i’m scared there is too much
i feel unnatural.

i don’t know who i am
without
blood
and
pain
and
chaos.

i’m so much lower without the release
i have no escape from these intolerable emotions
the fear is overwhelming
i’m scared this is never going to change

i am always going to want it
i will forever be ruled by insane desires
uncontrollable lows
and
i’m too ashamed to admit it.

try to comprehend that which you’ll never comprehend…..

Posted in depression, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 20/03/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i had another little crisis

despite transfusion in late december,

haemoglobin had again dropped to 7.6

causing doctor’s to get jumpy

&

start talking about another transfusion

this set me off in a panic

i do not like having blood transfusions

i feel very guilty

other people are more deserving of this blood

that someone selflessly donated

i know i will waste it

i know i will feel horrendous with it inside me

i do not want it.

i don’t really have the option of

saying

no

they will call in a psych consult

which could lead down a road

i can’t

even

think about

my first stupid reaction

is

i must cut

whilst the dr’s decide

i will blood let

i know it doesn’t make sense

to most

but

there is method in the madness

my hb is already low

i may as well be hung for sheep as a lamb

i will hate myself less for shedding my own blood

if i lose enough blood

do enough damage

i may feel sated for a while

with this in mind i set to work

after two disappointing nights

of

slicing

&

producing inadequate wounds

i got angry

with myself

on the third day,

the gp called to say the decided to go with

an iron infusionth e following week

i considered myself free

to

paint the town RED

i felt it couldn’t be that bad

if i didn’t need a transfusion

i had still better fit in as much damage

before treatment

&

truthfully

after two pitiful nights

i needed it

so,

feeling enraged with myself

i set to work

i chose a spot on my slightly less scarred right forearm

i cut vertically

downwards

towards my wrist

everytime i reached a depth i could live with

i elongated the cut

&

started to work down into it again

i got into the most dangerous mindset

where

i can just can’t resist

a little

bit

more

i ploughed through the layers of my flesh

fascinated

with what lay beneath

i watched three distinct fountains of blood

flow into one

sticky

hot

pool

i pulled the wound apart to make the blood spurt higher

i sawed through

some

tough,unknown inner material

and

thrilled

as the spray soared out

and hit my face

when i was finished

i watched

for

i don’t know how long

long enough to become dazed

i had created a a gaping trench

the entire length of my foream

that continuosly filled with blood

and

spilled over the top

i could not stop the blood

nor, could i think straight

i wrapped a towel around my arm

put a huge jumper on top

and

took the bus

yes

the bus

to a&e

i trailed blood into reception

& collapsed in the triage room

i was so ashamed

dreaded trying to explain myself

lay in a cubicle

crying

i had done this many times before

but somehow

i couldn’t control my fear or self loathing.

i received 21 stitches

a transfusion

and

 was hospitlised again for three days

the following week

requiring

another

two units

&

suffering from severe pain

i spent those 3 days in & out of a morphine

induced altered reality

student dr’s were too scared to take blood from my arms

apparently experience is required

to find a vein in this network of scar tissue

the consultant was overly kind

fellow patients

stared & whispered

i lay there in

shame

pain

fear

all of which added up to

another attempt

to stop

11 days

and counting……

can’t run around, ’cause i’m not free….

Posted in depression, mental health, self harm, therapy with tags , , , , , , on 02/03/2012 by doyourememberthattime

increasingly

 i find myself thinking about hospital

 i am terrified of being hospitalised

 i have always felt

that

 if i had to go inpatient

i would have lost 

 

lost the battle

 lost control

lost myself

 

 i do not think i could cope with the reality of a psychiatric ward

 

the practicalities of it

 horrify me

 shared toilets & showers

 sleeping on a ward

 hospital food

 dealing with others all day everyday

 

 but,

 i have coped with those privations

 i’ve had to spend lots of time on medical wards

 i hated it

 i also, survived it.

 

 the emotional impact of a psych admition 

would extract a higher toll

 the concept of not being in

 control

 of my own life

 is too much for me to bare.

 

 the idea that i am entirely incapable

 of functioning

 would destroy me.

 

 i couldn’t deal with being watched

 and evaluated

 submitting to be told

 what i can do

 & when

 would break me

 

 if i had to relinquish that authority

 i.m not sure that i could recover

 

and yet

 i can’t get away from

thoughts of

“the bin”

 

i realise that i take risks

that a stable person would not

 i know that i have impulses 

not conducive to a healthy life

 

does that amount to an

 inability

 to govern myself ?

 

at times i wonder how i have managed to avoid hospital

 i look around me & see people having the option to refuse withdrawn

 individuals that i don’t necessarily consider to be sicker than myself

 sometimes

 even

 those who appear to be much less of a danger to themselves.

 

what is the criteria ?

perhaps i am not that close to the edge

 

 no matter the fear stays with me

 &

 i feel its malevolent presence

sometimes, i hear my voice & its been, silent all these years…

Posted in depression, hope, mental health, trust with tags , , , , , , , , , on 28/02/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i finally saw my new psychiatrist last week

my last dr left & being assigned a new one taken some months

i did not have a good relationship with my previous psychiatrist

in fact

she terrified me

 

she was a good example of what mental health professionals

should

not be

 

she always appeared to be very judgemental

her approach was

cold

harsh

blameful

i always left appointments feeling

worthless

she basically shored up my

self

loathing.

the most troublesome aspect of our therapeutic relationship

was

that she didn’t actually want to treat me

she appeared to have given up

i enquired

more than once

about a change of medication

 some chemical help with my

anxiety

&

insomnia

her response was always the same

i had exhausted my options

i was now left with

lithium

or the status quo

she dismissed my fears about lithium

and

declared

that she could not help me

if i would not accept her advice

 

and

so

i was stuck

she didn’t help

she just scared me

but

i was too frightened to ask for someone else

i didn’t feel i had the right

to question her

 

for once the fates were on my side

she left

giving me the opportunity

to access real help

 

my new psychiatrist

is a marvel

i was so frightened to see him

and

incredibly relieved

after our first meeting

 

he listened to me

he didn’t dismiss how i felt

he spoke to me like an intelligent person

not

some pathetic loon

was asked pertintent questions

and

was interested in my replies

he displayed

empathy

and kindness

 

this dr have me options

I HAVE OPTIONS

 

he explained why he was offered certain drugs

what they could do for me

what the side effects might be

he cared what i thought

he accepted my reservations

and

allowed me the final decision

after much discussion

we decided on a new drug regime

one that i actually believe might help me

 

for the first time

someone is actively treating

insomnia

and

anxiety

as well as depression

 

everyone should have access to this kind of help

so often

the mentally ill

are

dismissed

and

short changed

 

this new dr

has given me hope

for that

i will be forever grateful.