Archive for free

one day like this a year will see me right…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 22/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i went for a walk today.
i’ve been looking after my brother’s dog
&
i took him to the park for a walk with my sister & her dog.

it doesn’t sound like much,
but it was wonderful.

I felt completely at ease
and
entirely safe with my sister.
the dogs gave me a focus beyond my anxiety
their energy,
their joy just to be running around in the grass
was infectious.

it crept up on me
&
before I knew it,
i was feeling good.

the fresh air
the sounds of kids playing
laughing my sister
petting the boys when they came galloping towards us, seeking our approval.
it was all good.

i felt free
my mind was clear
i was in the moment.
it was so refreshing.

it was the reminder that I needed that life can be good.
released from the battle in my head
&
the cage of my painful body.
sometimes, everything can be ok.

today was a good day.
i needed it.

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everybody’s free to feel good…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 18/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

we’re having a little bit of a heat wave.
it’s nice to have a burst of sunshine
but
as every self-harmer knows
warm weather is not our friend

so, I’ve been dealing with the tired dilemma
hide & boil
or
uncover & face the inevitable judgement

i don’t always cover all my scars.
i began to dress more freely a few years ago
and
for the most part I am very pleased with that decision
sure, there are times when I take fright & reach for that cardigan
there are also people I don’t feel comfortable around with visible scars.
it’s a mixed bag.

anyway, with temperatures soaring
my usual semi cover ups began to feel oppressive
the thought of going out bare armed & bare legged hovered
but
scared me

finally the heat
and the constant enquiries with regards to my wardrobe won me over
i would be brave
i could do this

last Saturday I went out wearing a maxi skirt with a split & a vest
i spent a lot of time looking in the mirror before I left the house
i wanted to really see me
i am so used to my scars that I often don’t really acknowledge them
i needed to know exactly what others would be looking at.
after much procrastination & with large sunglasses for protection,
stepped outside.

i was prepared for stares
and they came
every second person I passed,
did a double take
i felt exposed
and
free

I
i didn’t stay out long
it was difficult
it was worth it to be out in the world as me
no lies
no shame
just me.