Archive for garbage

sex is not the enemy….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 30/06/2013 by doyourememberthattime

a wave of depression has washed over me
if i could hibernate until it passed
i would
failing that, what i crave
is some really hot,
really rough
sex.

i want to be fucked
hard.
sweaty, dirty, sweetly painful

i want to feel something else.

sex acts like a positive form of self harm.
it forces me to stay in the moment
i focus on the sensations
instead
of what’s going on in my mind

when i am in the midst of a sublime sexual experience
i am free
my mind declares a cease fire
i experience peace & joy simultanously
suddenly i’m attractive,
functioning
powerful
i see aspects of myself that are usually out of view

i yearn to be suspended in that untroubled embrace
sex is my favourite medicine.

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try to comprehend that which you’ll never comprehend…..

Posted in depression, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 20/03/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i had another little crisis

despite transfusion in late december,

haemoglobin had again dropped to 7.6

causing doctor’s to get jumpy

&

start talking about another transfusion

this set me off in a panic

i do not like having blood transfusions

i feel very guilty

other people are more deserving of this blood

that someone selflessly donated

i know i will waste it

i know i will feel horrendous with it inside me

i do not want it.

i don’t really have the option of

saying

no

they will call in a psych consult

which could lead down a road

i can’t

even

think about

my first stupid reaction

is

i must cut

whilst the dr’s decide

i will blood let

i know it doesn’t make sense

to most

but

there is method in the madness

my hb is already low

i may as well be hung for sheep as a lamb

i will hate myself less for shedding my own blood

if i lose enough blood

do enough damage

i may feel sated for a while

with this in mind i set to work

after two disappointing nights

of

slicing

&

producing inadequate wounds

i got angry

with myself

on the third day,

the gp called to say the decided to go with

an iron infusionth e following week

i considered myself free

to

paint the town RED

i felt it couldn’t be that bad

if i didn’t need a transfusion

i had still better fit in as much damage

before treatment

&

truthfully

after two pitiful nights

i needed it

so,

feeling enraged with myself

i set to work

i chose a spot on my slightly less scarred right forearm

i cut vertically

downwards

towards my wrist

everytime i reached a depth i could live with

i elongated the cut

&

started to work down into it again

i got into the most dangerous mindset

where

i can just can’t resist

a little

bit

more

i ploughed through the layers of my flesh

fascinated

with what lay beneath

i watched three distinct fountains of blood

flow into one

sticky

hot

pool

i pulled the wound apart to make the blood spurt higher

i sawed through

some

tough,unknown inner material

and

thrilled

as the spray soared out

and hit my face

when i was finished

i watched

for

i don’t know how long

long enough to become dazed

i had created a a gaping trench

the entire length of my foream

that continuosly filled with blood

and

spilled over the top

i could not stop the blood

nor, could i think straight

i wrapped a towel around my arm

put a huge jumper on top

and

took the bus

yes

the bus

to a&e

i trailed blood into reception

& collapsed in the triage room

i was so ashamed

dreaded trying to explain myself

lay in a cubicle

crying

i had done this many times before

but somehow

i couldn’t control my fear or self loathing.

i received 21 stitches

a transfusion

and

 was hospitlised again for three days

the following week

requiring

another

two units

&

suffering from severe pain

i spent those 3 days in & out of a morphine

induced altered reality

student dr’s were too scared to take blood from my arms

apparently experience is required

to find a vein in this network of scar tissue

the consultant was overly kind

fellow patients

stared & whispered

i lay there in

shame

pain

fear

all of which added up to

another attempt

to stop

11 days

and counting……

hey baby, can you bleed like me ? ……..

Posted in depression, insomnia, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , on 25/08/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i have a white screen

 

a flashing cursor

 

and

 

no words.

 

 

my mind is blank

 

bar

 

thoughts of a red intervention.

 

 

i have 16 chalky aspirin

 

and

 

a tall, clear glass of water.

 

 

i intend to refresh my weary head

 

with

 

sprays & pulses of dark,dark blood.

 

 

i must bathe my fears

 

in

 

a warm crimson tide.

 

 

when my troubles are let

 

i shall swallow a pretty blue pill

 

and

 

drift into untroubled sleep.

therapy is speedie’s brand new drug…….

Posted in depression, family, hope, love, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 24/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i see a psychologist and am undergoing cbt therapy. i have being in treatment for a significant amount of time and thus far my progress seems somewhat stunted.

 i have never really discussed much of my therapy on this blog.

 i don’t know why that is. i certainly find it useful.

i do try to put the things i learn there in to practice. i have trouble getting results.

 the theory is very clear.

 i find it difficult to impact on my actual feelings.

 intellectually, i embrace it

 emotionally, i am confounded.

 my psychologist would like to start working on my relationships more closely. we have obviously discussed the important people in my life before, but he thinks the impact of these relationship could withstand some closer inspection.

i think he is most probably correct.

i have a huge need to compensate the people i love for the trouble i cause them.

 i carry a huge guilt.

 it is not easy to have someone like me in your life.

 i am very aware of tha.

t i feel that ultimately, my problems are mostly my own fault

, i made bad decisions, i allowed people to treat me badly & i failed to deal with the results well.

 i know that i am to blame. i must therefore clean up my own mess.

 inconvenience, pain, worry, embarrassment of others is not acceptable.

 i have spent a lot of time trying to challenge these feelings, but i have never been convinced that i am wrong.

 i am at fault.

that is fact.

of course these beliefs effect how i behave towards family & friends.

 i am a burden and i am duty bound to lighten the load of knowing me

 or make up for that weight.

 as a result i often have difficulty saying no.

 i feel responsible for the people i live being safe & happy.

 i have an urge to make everything better for everyone.

 this can leave me open to be taking advantage of.

add to this my need to mother &  you have a potent mixture.

these are just some of the things i am going to be working on in therapy. i’m hoping for a breakthrough.