Archive for guilt

everybody’s talking at me…..

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 15/04/2013 by doyourememberthattime

this morning i got on a bus.
i paid my fare
smiled politely at the other passengers
sat down quietly.

i wasn’t in anyone’s way
i wasn’t rude
or
loud
i was just minding my own business, getting to where i needed to be.

apparantly,
my mere person was offensive.
my exposed arms
somehow enough to warrant censure.

a complete stranger took issue with my scars.

i was aware of her noticing & staring at my arms,
i’ve grown used to this sort of behaviour
& tried to dismiss her rudeness.
but
the stares became glares
and
she was visibly annoyed.
i felt uncomfortable, but was able to zone her out.

alas, she felt compelled to express her judgement
as i walked past her to leave the bus,
she hissed that i should be ashamed of myself.

i reacted by asking her if she was ashamed of being a cunt.

this is how i usually respond to such comments.
i make an angry, sometimes comic retort
&
quickly get on my way

i don’t want these people to know how much they hurt me
or
how the shake my confidence.

most of all,
i never want them to be aware
of just how ashamed i am

i’ll never know why my personal struggle anger others
or
why strangers believe that my body is their business.
i do know that shame is a common theme. they want me to cowed
&
hiding
&
sorry.

i hope one day i will be unconcerned by these encounters
today is not that day
i came home & stayed home.
i doubt i’ll go out tomorrow either.

because shame & guilt are what make my world go around.
i don’t need the negative reinforcement.

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here comes the fear again….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 10/02/2013 by doyourememberthattime

143 days.
i know i should be proud
maybe a tiny little part of me is
i can recognise that this is a huge achievment for me
unfortunately
the bigger part of me feels guilty
and
ashamed.

i’m a fraud
i still think about it everyday
my mind conjures up the most horrific images.
i deserve it.
i should be atoning for my mistakes.
i should be tearing my body apart
the guilt of not hurting myself,
of deceiving those i care about most
is killing me.

i do not feel better
i miss the blood
i crave the blood
i imagine it flowing inside me
i’m scared there is too much
i feel unnatural.

i don’t know who i am
without
blood
and
pain
and
chaos.

i’m so much lower without the release
i have no escape from these intolerable emotions
the fear is overwhelming
i’m scared this is never going to change

i am always going to want it
i will forever be ruled by insane desires
uncontrollable lows
and
i’m too ashamed to admit it.

even if i quit, there’s not a chance in hell i’d stop….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 15/10/2012 by doyourememberthattime

25 days.
you can not imagine how long that is.
25 days without picking up a scalpel
without that first cut
without blood
without pain
without causing harm.
25 days wihtout being me.

i don’t really know how to live this way

my mind is constantly thinking of new ways to hurt myself
not hurting myself feels unnatural
wrong
i’m not losing blood
i miss the sight of it
and the knowledge
that the blood is gone

i like to know that i’ve suffered
that i’m not getting off lightly
i deserve the pain
and
everything else that goes with it

i don’t know who i am when i’m not punnishing myself

it feels far from permanent.
the lure of the blade is still so strong

it’s 25 days of crushing guilt
and
just
a tiny bit of
hope.

makes me want to give myself a beating….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 13/02/2012 by doyourememberthattime

the last few sessions with my pyschologist have been revealing.
i have admitted things
that i’ve never
voiced
before

i’ve also been confronted with ideas that i had previously rejected.
but
cannnot now discount.

the most troubling of these
is
punnishment
i have always railed against the idea
that i self harm to
punnish
myself
yet, through our recent conversations
i found myself saying things
that are usually kept within my head
and
when i voice them
it is hard to dismiss the facts
i’m doing penance.

i feel i must atone for the sin of
failing
i have fallen far short of my expected reach
i have not fulfilled expectations
my foolish decisions
and
weakness
impact on others

i am not as good a person
as
i should
be

i must make ammends

i deserve what i do to myself
i’ve always known that
i now realise
that
there is a part of me
who believes
i mustn’t be allowed to get away my shortcomings

i am not up to scratch
it is not ok to
allow a man to destory you
to fail your unborn child
to sink into depression
and
let
your life
fall apart

there should be consequences
and until i prove myself worthy
i must exact retribution
upon myself

how do you make something of value from your life
when you consider yourself to be
valueless ?

say what you mean to say….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on 29/12/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i had to have another transfusion.
and
it made me think about my strategies for coping
with
other’s view of me

i try to hide my shame
if people knew
just how revolting i feel about
neeeding
&
using
that generously donated blood
i would become an easy target.

they wouldn’t hide their revulsion
as i would have given them a signal
that
they
were
right

a huge part of me believes that are correct
i didn’t deserve it
i am selfish

that doesn’t mean i am brave enough to face their judgement
head
on
self preservation kicks in
i don’t want to be publicly censured

even though
i
know
i am not worth the comapssion of others.

i try to get in there first
i will insult myself
say what i am sure they must be thinking

or i’ll blazen it out
if i act in control
people are more likely to treat me
less
like
a
nutter

there is a little voice
that
screams
you are ill
you don’t want this
but
i don’t hear her

i don’t want to feel constantly
guilty
& ashamred

but my attempts not to
backfire

i try not to be ashamed of my scars
i don’t always hide them
i’ve even used pictures to illustrate this blog

i am critised for it
it’s showboating
attention seeking

if i talk honestly
and
show you what my life
and
body
are truely like
you reject me

my defense
garners more scorn

if i let my weakness show
i am ripe for attack

i don’t know how to protect myself

i don’t want to be ashamed
but
every single outside opinion
tells me i should be

my vicious circle continues
i feel
battered
by my own “community”
yet
i suspect admitting this
will be frowned upon.

as pathetic as it sounds
i think i just need a little validation
none is forthcoming.

memories seep from my veins….

Posted in self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 02/05/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

when i think about slicing into an arlready open wound,

i feel slighty sick.

my stomach  flutters horribly.

and yet,

when i do it,

i am calm.

watching the skin split wider,

my blade tear through another layer,

i am merely fascinated.

the deeper the shade of my blood,

the deeper the wound,

the more satisfied i become.

i can see the blue nestling in the corner of my current effort,

a vein presenting it self to me.

should i venture on ?

i don’t know how significant the vein  is.

i can’t tell for sure how much further down lies.

the body can be deceptive.

i know i would like the blood.

the fast, pulsing, unstoppable flow.

but i can’t calculate the consequences.

can i move fast enough, if action is required ,

or will i be mesmerized by rush of pure red relief ?

i know even as i contemplate it,

that cutting further is selfish.

it’s stupid.

but

i want to cleanse myself of these feelings.

i’m delaying making the decision.

i’m writing this

&

watching the blood.

the urge is getting stronger.

i can’t let myself off easily.

this is what i need.

this is who i am.

therapy is speedie’s brand new drug…….

Posted in depression, family, hope, love, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 24/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i see a psychologist and am undergoing cbt therapy. i have being in treatment for a significant amount of time and thus far my progress seems somewhat stunted.

 i have never really discussed much of my therapy on this blog.

 i don’t know why that is. i certainly find it useful.

i do try to put the things i learn there in to practice. i have trouble getting results.

 the theory is very clear.

 i find it difficult to impact on my actual feelings.

 intellectually, i embrace it

 emotionally, i am confounded.

 my psychologist would like to start working on my relationships more closely. we have obviously discussed the important people in my life before, but he thinks the impact of these relationship could withstand some closer inspection.

i think he is most probably correct.

i have a huge need to compensate the people i love for the trouble i cause them.

 i carry a huge guilt.

 it is not easy to have someone like me in your life.

 i am very aware of tha.

t i feel that ultimately, my problems are mostly my own fault

, i made bad decisions, i allowed people to treat me badly & i failed to deal with the results well.

 i know that i am to blame. i must therefore clean up my own mess.

 inconvenience, pain, worry, embarrassment of others is not acceptable.

 i have spent a lot of time trying to challenge these feelings, but i have never been convinced that i am wrong.

 i am at fault.

that is fact.

of course these beliefs effect how i behave towards family & friends.

 i am a burden and i am duty bound to lighten the load of knowing me

 or make up for that weight.

 as a result i often have difficulty saying no.

 i feel responsible for the people i live being safe & happy.

 i have an urge to make everything better for everyone.

 this can leave me open to be taking advantage of.

add to this my need to mother &  you have a potent mixture.

these are just some of the things i am going to be working on in therapy. i’m hoping for a breakthrough.