Archive for haemoglobin

all you need is me…

Posted in self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 06/04/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i have been cutting sporadically over the last few weeks.
it hasn’t felt like a complete return to self-harm as it’s been contained.
i had expected to feel guilt
perhaps a sense of failing
but
it has been gentler than that
it feels like returning from an arduous journey & climbing into my own bed.

this past weekend has been different.
my cutting has become more insistent
i’ve begun to make demands of myself
at some point in the early hours,
the notion of being in control again took hold.

as I marvelled in the restorative wonder of hot blood
i realised i could seize back power
i could watch my haemoglobin levels plummet
all the heavy, guilt ridden blood could be let
opening garnet stripes
as I reclaim my body

these thoughts were exhilarating
and
with them came plans
schedules of pain
strict timetables to be adhered to
rules that if obeyed would bring comfort.
finally, I can breathe

i want to feel every slice of my flesh
and
monitor every drop of spilt blood
i need the hurt
my body must be a battle ground
if my mind is to stand any chance of a lasting peace.

i’m in charge again.
i can’t tell you how much I have longed to sink into this well-worn mattress.

this is me.
this works.

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set me free, why don’t you ?

Posted in depression, mental health, self destruction with tags , , , , , , , on 30/03/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i managed 19 days without cutting

before i gave in

we discussed the difficulties of this is in therapy

and

i talked a lot about the strongest force

pulling me towards self harm.

 

blood

 

i’ve always known that blood was a huge part of self harm for me

but

a new dimension has been growing

and

i’ve been scared to give voice to it

 

i am not comfortable with the transfusion blood

i want it out

i feel there is too much blood flowing through my veins

the numbers scare me

i find the idea of a healthy haemoglobin

unnatural

i am terrified to discover the results of my next blood test

all these days going by

with no blood loss

makes me feel sick

all those strong new blood cells

will

be generating more

it is horrifying

 

i need to get it out

i need to maintain levels

that won’t cause me constant worry

i do not fully understand why i feel this way

but

it’s compelling

 

i can’t leave my body to it’s own devices

i must take charge

and

expell this oxygenated intruder.

 

there are so many aspects of this

too many competing voices

i can’t appease them all

there will be unpleasantness whichever side i choose

 

the only solution

is to

remove the blood

&

release myself.