Archive for heartbeat

you took the life right out of me….

Posted in children, family, miscarriage, motherhood, pregnancy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/09/2014 by doyourememberthattime

yesterday was the 14th anniversary of my due date.
that sentence scares me.
in 14yrs my loss hasn’t become any less painful.
nor do i feel any less alone with it.

each year I try to put plans in place
distraction.
it makes no difference
it always consumes me.

i can’t stop myself from thinking of the landmarks i’ve missed
last night i lay in bed wondering what it would be like to have a teenager sleeping across the hall
would we constantly battling?
would he hate me?
&
need me simultaneously
could i have raised a responsible young man all by myself?
i really think i could.

i think about first words & first steps
playing him the music I love
watching him discover his own musical tastes.
i daydream of trips to parks
sleepovers
fights about how late he is allowed to stay out.

every year is another milestone i don’t experience
another memory i can’t cherish
there is a gaping hole in my life
no
there is a huge hole in me
and
it echoes in everything i do.

with the build up to each anniversary
i hope someone will remember
i want so desperately for someone else to care about my boy
to imagine how he would have enriched our lives
it would mean so much if someone other than me acknowledged his short, short life.
for anyone to want to remember him.

of course, no one does
and
i don’t have the strength to keep reminding people
it’s just another day to them
no one wants to talk about miscarriage
i don’t think my boy is real to them.

so, i usually spend the day alone
often drinking
crying
piecing together what might have been.

T
this year feels worse
i am running out of time
lately, having a baby has been a continuous preoccupation
i need to be mum
i am a mum
i don’t know if this wound can ever be healed
but
hearing a tiny little person call me mummy would start the process.

i can’t replace my darling boy
he’ll always be with me
but
my arms are empty
&
my heart is so full.

 

 

Beyoncé Heartbeat

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i’m longing for your heartbeat…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 12/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

Dear Baby,
You wouldn’t be a baby anymore. You would be 13 today. It’s hard to imagine the life we would have together now. I think about you, I create little scenarios for each milestone. I ache for every step you haven’t taken. I wonder if I could have been enough for you. As it stands you only have me, but you’ll have me forever.
The strange thing is I didn’t stop being a mother because you didn’t make into this world. I’ve always felt like your mummy & it’s hard to be a mum with no visible child. Sometimes I wish I could tell everyone I meet, I had a boy, not for long, but he’s always with me. I want people to care as much about your short life as I do. I want you to be loved.
Mostly, I need you here. I don’t know how to celebrate your birthday without you. I’ve found it impossible to separate the sadness of losing you from the miracle of creating you. I love you. I’d have done anything to carry you safely to life. I hope you know that.
love always
mum
xx