Archive for helpless

novocaine for the soul…

Posted in chronic illness, mental illness, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , on 12/08/2014 by doyourememberthattime

I’ve been really ill. I have a virus that my compromised immune system cannot fight off. This virus is kicking my arse. I am constantly exhausted, everything aches, dizzy, cold, nauseous, the works. This has been going on for weeks & I’m at the end of my tether.
Enter, self-harm.
I think perhaps feeling so helpless played a part, but mostly I don’t know what happened.
One cut turned into two turned into me practically dissecting my entire left arm.
I don’t feel anything.
There is no relief
It doesn’t feel right
Or wrong.
Yet, I feel compelled to continue.

The voice in my head that pushes me hurt myself has taken over
It’s not the same voice.
There is no emotional involvement
It is simply an obligation I must meet
I am measuring blood loss
When I reach my target, I may stop.
I don’t know what is happening.
But
I am not afraid.
I feel still.

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i wish it could be blue again …..

Posted in death, depression, hope, mental health with tags , , , , , , , , , on 22/07/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i feel grey again

 

it’s not the most severe level of depression

 

but it’s the most dispiriting.

 

 

i see no point in anything.

 

i’d happily stay in bed

 

no

 

i’d miserably stay in bed.

 

i’m not speaking of a luxurious lie in

 

it’s a bleak,

 

gloomy

 

unwillingness to tackle life.

 

 

i’m scared to leave the house.

 

someone pressing my door bell sent me into panic.

 

if i drop something

 

i cry.

 

 

there is no joy.

 

i dread the things i used to take pleasure in

 

food is tasteless

 

music makes me sob

 

 

i see no end

 

no relief.

 

 

washing my hair is an achievement

 

the sun outside an annoyance

 

i’d like someone to help

 

but there isn’t anything anyone can do.

 

 

my head is seeped in grey.

 

 

 

i don’t want to die

 

i just don’t want to live this life.