Archive for illness

i’ve lost control again…

Posted in chronic illness, depression, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 19/11/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i’m ill
oh, i know, i’m always ill
but it usually ebbs & flows.
i get some respite
i used to have days when i felt i like a normal person
not
anymore.

i’ve been sick every day for months
i’m exhausted
i ache, everywhere
i threw up
a lot.

my body has decided that i am no longer permitted to eat
my weight is plummeting
and
i have no control.

I HAVE NO CONTROL

as a result, i have shut down
because i cannot function without control
with every pound i lose
i feel like my actual self is diminshing
i am just fading away.

i rarely leave the house
i barely move at all
i can’t function
i can’t write
i can’t even cut with any efficacy.

i lack the strength or energy to assert dominance with a scapel
which means i’m lost.
i have to lie down to it
i don’t have any other options.

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i don’t believe in fear, i don’t believe in pain…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 19/03/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t written much about my physical health problems
i don’t know why
increasingly the physical is as debilitating as the mental health problems.

today has been a black hole of pain
the maximum dose of painkillers has little impact.
i’m not experiencing the worst pain i’ve known
but
it’s constant
day after day

simple tasks have become mammoth jobs
moving hurts
eating hurts
i can’t concentrate on anything long enough for it to offer distraction
the pain makes it hard to sleep
and
wakes me when i do manage to drift off

it grinds me down
i feel trapped both in my home
and
in my body

my stomach is a firey ball
my chest aches
the nerve damage in my arm is causing excruciating shooting pains
and the limb feels like dead weight
it goes weak at random intervals
meaning i drop, sometimes, dangerous items

i’m afraid of the pain
terrified
i plead with god to make it stop

i’m more frightening of the consequences of my pain
i want to work
i want to rejoin society
i am working so hard to resolve my mental ill health
if my physical ailments can’t be managed
it may all be in vain
i worry that no one will ever employ me

i am missing my life.
i am tired of saying no
because i’m sore
or sick
or in fear.

for now
i’m just hoping tomorrow is a good day.

you do it to yourself…..

Posted in comapassionate mind, depression, family, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , on 03/07/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i appear to a have a gift for self destruction.

 i have already explored more than enough avenues of self abuse

 and

 yet

 i find myself creating opportunities to hurt myself

 what’s more,

 feeling a sense of smug satisfaction that i have so much power

 sick

 i know.

 

 it doesn’t stop me

 i hate myself

 i am so tired of being me

 inflicting more damage on my body is incredibly stupid

 i am aware of that

 and

 i hate myself for that too.

 

 no matter how bad life treats me,

 i just have to go one better

 you would think i would fight against my bad luck

that, i’d meet illness with rest

 trauma with kindness

 sadness with comfort

 tradegy with compassion

 perhaps

 normal people do

 my response is a tad more savage.

 i can not tolerate these emotions

 i can not process anymore awful events

 i feel responsible even when i am not

i live in a constant spiral of guilt

 and

 so

 i stick the boot in

 i punish myself

 i create another emotion

another sensation

 another crisis

one that i can control

and

manage

 

of course i am deceiving myself.

 i lost control a very long time ago

 i go too far

 i never know if i can manage the outcome

 i never know the long

or

short term risks

one more reason to dislike me.

 

 i am trouble

 a pathetic burden to professionals

 and

personnels

 

 i’m sick in body and mind

 no one knows how to cure me

 least of all me.