Archive for joni mitchell

i’ve looked at life from both sides now…

Posted in children, chronic illness, family, motherhood with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 11/07/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i have written about my longing for children before.
i’ve known i want a family for a very long time. it has just never been possible.
i was too young
or
too sick
or
too single
i did always mostly believe it would happen.

that hope has been waning for a few years now.
i am 33 years old.
reproductively challenged
single
i have a history or mental & physical health problems
i am certainly not wealthy
the odds are stacked against me.

the desire does not lesson.
as everyone around me begins to start a family
(even those who didn’t think they wanted to)
i feel i am running out of time.
and
i’m scared.

i know i am just another woman with a ticking biological clock
nothing unique
or possibly even interesting in my situation.
the unoriginality of my problem does not diminish the pain.

i find myself increasingly obsessing over my options.
a solution has not presented itself.
i don’t want to imagine my life without little ones of my own
but
i can’t envisage a way to make my family happen.

i have no idea where this post is going
i’ve become so overwhelmed with the gap between my needs & my reality that it has just spilt out.
i am bursting with maternal instinct.
i’m ready.
i am so ready.

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I’ve looked at life from both sides now….

Posted in chronic illness, depression, mental health, mental illness, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 09/06/2014 by doyourememberthattime

I haven’t written in a while. I’m not entirely sure why that is. I seem able to write other more frivolous things, but any deep introspection eludes me.
I am volunteering again. A project I really believe in. it gives me a sense of purpose. I know I shouldn’t need to find worth outside of myself, but I do. I suspect if they were honest, most folk have a similar struggle for validity.

My body continues to malfunction in a variety of ways. Planning is redundant. Where I can go & what I do is ruled by my ability to manage symptoms. I am the queen of cancelling. I am so tired of disappointing others & myself.

My head is a mystery to me. There are days when I feel I am making huge leaps. Future aspirations bloom, hope is palpable. And then for no concrete reason I plummet. Days seeped in grey merge into one another. Life becomes a featureless landscape of withdrawal or a frenzy of anxiety.

Self-harm is never far from my thoughts. I am not actively hurting myself, but I still believe that is the true me. I am forever searching for a way to hurt enough & still function. I can’t begin to find the words to describe how it feels to daily fight your most ingrained instincts. In so many ways I am broken, I honestly don’t know if the damage is irrevocable.

i guess it’s too early, ’cause i don’t know where i stand….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 24/05/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i have a talent for picking complicated men.
i like men whose stories have a twist.
odd works for me.
so, when i was faced with choice of  a sweet, accomodating, reliable, available man
or
a mysterious, unreadable, but passionate man
i obviously opted for the latter.

we’d been talking for months before he asked me out.
the feeling in stomach when he did told me that there could be something between us
our first date was nerve wrecking.
the conversation flowed easily enough once we got over his intial shyness
i was enoying his company, he seemed in no hurry to leave.
but i couldn’t read him at all.
was it just a friendly evening or something more ?

i got my answer almost as soon as we left the bar,
he kissed me in a phone box
which, i found strangely romantic.
this sponateous kissing in the street has become a feature
i like it

it’s been a couple of months
and
i still haven’t worked out exactly what’s going on.
we speak everyday
when we’re together he’s affectionate & interested
but
he never vocalises how he feels.
sometimes for no discerneable reason, he’ll suddenly feel distant.

he’s very set in his ways.
he has lots of strange habits that are very ingrained.
i find them partly endearing
& at times , frustrating.
he likes me to go his house
he likes to plan our dates
i suppose he likes to be control

this could be a problem

i would like a little more control
i wold like to feel a bit more secure in his feelings for me
it’s early days
i don’t know what’s going to happen
i do know that i really like him