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worth it….

Posted in children, depression, family, friendship, love, mental illness, motherhood, pregnancy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 24/11/2014 by doyourememberthattime

one of my dearest friends gave birth yesterday
she brought a beautiful baby girl into the world
and
i’m so proud of her
i’m so happy for her
i’m so in love with that little girl already

but
i’m crying
when she told me she was in labour i felt a stab of pain so sharp
that it took my breath away
because i’m selfish
and jealous
and another person i love is getting everything I want

the thing is once i got my breath back
i prayed that her labour was easy
i prayed for them both to be safe
i was excited.
all i wanted was for them both to be healthy & happy.

when i saw her beautiful little face this afternoon
i cried happy tears
she’s perfect
and her mummy has done the bravest, hardest thing by bringing her into the world
i know how full of love her life is going to be
and
how wonderful her parents are.

we live on different continents
i can’t be there every day
but
i want nothing more than to be a part of this tiny new human’s life
i can’t wait to watch this family grow.

So, yes
i’m self-involved
and
yes, it hurts
but
the hurt isn’t a patch on the joy
idoesn’t touch the thrill of a new life
it cannot dull the pride
Nor dampen the adventure.

there will always be pain
and
it will always be worth it

the huge, expansive love
will never stop being worth it.

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how wondefrul life is, now you’re in the world

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 29/12/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i love that you still call me auntie auntie when you are tired
they way you lift my head to look at the freckles in my head
it’s adorable when you shake your little bum
whilst dancing
how much you love my handbag
and
how you drag it about if it is too heavy to lift

it blows me away
when
you excuse yourself after burping
or
bless me
if i sneeze

you can not imagine how funny it is
to
watch
you boss about thr nig giant dogs
telling them
to
calm down
and behave
& how sweet it is when you pat my head
and tell me good boy
as though
i
too
am a big lumbering pup

it breaks my heart when you cry for me
i hate to leave
when
you’re asking to ahve your shoes on
& saying let’s go.

i am so proud to listen to you
recite your colours
count to ten
name dinosaurs
and
sing your songs
oh, how you love to sing

it makes me feel warm inside
to watch you sleep
feel you little hand grasp mine
the way you sometimes
wake
and
check
i am still there

your sneaky attempts to get out of bed
astound me
such a clever little mind
always noting what works
trying to charm me
if all else fails

your total lack of fear
is wonderful
be it sliding down big schutes
or
wanting to pick up giant spiders

your natural curiosity
and
propensity for joy
gives me a reason to breathe
knowing i can make you laugh
and
squel delight
provide me with purpose

these and so many other things
brighten my days
this is just a tiny snippet
of how amazing you are

believe me baby,
i never understood
how wonderful life was
until you were in my world.