Archive for loss

you took the life right out of me….

Posted in children, family, miscarriage, motherhood, pregnancy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/09/2014 by doyourememberthattime

yesterday was the 14th anniversary of my due date.
that sentence scares me.
in 14yrs my loss hasn’t become any less painful.
nor do i feel any less alone with it.

each year I try to put plans in place
distraction.
it makes no difference
it always consumes me.

i can’t stop myself from thinking of the landmarks i’ve missed
last night i lay in bed wondering what it would be like to have a teenager sleeping across the hall
would we constantly battling?
would he hate me?
&
need me simultaneously
could i have raised a responsible young man all by myself?
i really think i could.

i think about first words & first steps
playing him the music I love
watching him discover his own musical tastes.
i daydream of trips to parks
sleepovers
fights about how late he is allowed to stay out.

every year is another milestone i don’t experience
another memory i can’t cherish
there is a gaping hole in my life
no
there is a huge hole in me
and
it echoes in everything i do.

with the build up to each anniversary
i hope someone will remember
i want so desperately for someone else to care about my boy
to imagine how he would have enriched our lives
it would mean so much if someone other than me acknowledged his short, short life.
for anyone to want to remember him.

of course, no one does
and
i don’t have the strength to keep reminding people
it’s just another day to them
no one wants to talk about miscarriage
i don’t think my boy is real to them.

so, i usually spend the day alone
often drinking
crying
piecing together what might have been.

T
this year feels worse
i am running out of time
lately, having a baby has been a continuous preoccupation
i need to be mum
i am a mum
i don’t know if this wound can ever be healed
but
hearing a tiny little person call me mummy would start the process.

i can’t replace my darling boy
he’ll always be with me
but
my arms are empty
&
my heart is so full.

 

 

Beyoncé Heartbeat

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caught in a trap….

Posted in miscarriage with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 23/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

the cramps take me back to place I don’t want to go

this feels so horribly familiar

we’re alone

i’m so scared

i want everything to be ok

but

i already know nothing is ever going to be alright again

 

i’m trapped in memories

i can feel it all over again

 

something is going very wrong inside me

my beautiful new life is slipping away

the life that i have fallen in love with

i have no power

how do stop this from happening ?

i am not equipped to deal with this

there is no one to help me

 

i already feel so inadequate

i should have shielded you

you are my sole responsibility

i lost sight of that

i haven’t fought hard enough

i’m losing you

with every hot spasm

i know

you’re dying

 

the blood brings it all rushing back

 

all control is lost

if I could only halt this tide

perhaps your heart would keep beating

i want to protect you

someone please help me.

 

don’t tell me there is nothing you can do

don’t tell me its god’s plan

don’t tell me it’s over.

 

i need a miracle

i need someone to save us.

i’m longing for your heartbeat…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 12/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

Dear Baby,
You wouldn’t be a baby anymore. You would be 13 today. It’s hard to imagine the life we would have together now. I think about you, I create little scenarios for each milestone. I ache for every step you haven’t taken. I wonder if I could have been enough for you. As it stands you only have me, but you’ll have me forever.
The strange thing is I didn’t stop being a mother because you didn’t make into this world. I’ve always felt like your mummy & it’s hard to be a mum with no visible child. Sometimes I wish I could tell everyone I meet, I had a boy, not for long, but he’s always with me. I want people to care as much about your short life as I do. I want you to be loved.
Mostly, I need you here. I don’t know how to celebrate your birthday without you. I’ve found it impossible to separate the sadness of losing you from the miracle of creating you. I love you. I’d have done anything to carry you safely to life. I hope you know that.
love always
mum
xx

you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on 11/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i have been talking to the man a lot lately
we are always in touch,
recently we’ve had these long running conversations that never really end
texts and calls that just pick as if there had been no break
i’ve going through something
that I haven’t spoken to anyone else about
and
he’s been so available.
it’s bitter sweet
i am grateful for his support
no one else can handle me the way he does
he can make me smile during the darkest moments
and, yet
there is sadness
a little part of me still wishes we had worked
when we’re good like this, it’s hard to believe
we can’t be together.

i’ve had a few dreams
we’re just sleeping cuddled up in my bed
i never want to wake up from them.

my heart aches a tiny bit
i’m not going to get involved with him again
we will remain only friends
but
will I ever be completely over him?
i’m unconvinced.
i think the man will always have a part of my heart
he will forever be the one that got away.

i’m dating
i’m moving on

no one has come close to matching him yet
i never feel the way he made me feel
when he looked at me, he wanted me
through his eyes I could see a marvellous woman
a person I was proud to be

if I wrote a list of all things I need from the man I spend my life with
the very nearly add up to him.

almost will never be enough
repeat as needed

there won’t be any stupid steps back
but
these last few weeks have been special
and
i’d be lying if I didn’t admit that my heart
doesn’t want it to end.

life is what happens to you whilst you’re busy making other plans…..

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 12/02/2013 by doyourememberthattime

sometimes, i’ll be in a shop and i see something she’d like
and
i forget.
just for minute, then, i remember
and i’m that crazy lady who crys in public.

every call reminds me of how much she is growing
changing
experiencing
without me

i am missing too much

so much happens everyday
in her life
and
her head

i used to know all her whims
her favourites
who cried at nursery
which toy she wanted most in the bath

the little details that make up her world

now, i’m constantly playing catch up
she talks about kids i don’t know
goes places i’ve never been.
i’m missing all the background detail.

facetime & skype make it easier
but
it’s not enough

i want to tickle her
make her cereal in the morning
see all the new things she learns
because she learns new things everyday

new words pop up in her vocabularly
her accent is changing
her hair is so long
i want to put it into bunches
and
side ponies
and
play with her curls

i want to be there from the moment she opens her eyes
until she closes them again
i want all the nonsense inbetween.

i miss my muffin.

the best part of me was always you….

Posted in children, family, love with tags , , , , , , , , on 03/06/2012 by doyourememberthattime

my brother & his family are emmigrating

to austrlia

i am going to lose the best and most important thing in my life.

my muffin.

my niece is everything.

i’m crying already.

i don’t know how to live without her

she is my reason to stay alive

i feel like i am grieving

in the week since i they annouced they were leaving

i have fallen apart.

i have so many fears.

how i will manage without her

how she will feel without all of her family

how will she ever understand ?

how i will ever afford to visit

will she forget me ?

i can’t bear the thought of her hurting

or

the idea that i’ll become some distant aunt that doesn’t really mean anything

i have adored every second of her life

watching her become her own little person

all the mornings she wakes me up

teaching her songs

&

reading her stories

we’ve shared so many of her firsts

created so many games

&

memories

i feel like a losing another child.

i keep thinking of all the moments that she has reminded me that life can be good

that feeling that swells inside me

just by having her near me.

so smart and funny.

we have so much fun

making her happy

is reason enough for me to keep fighting

knowing that we will never be like again

is killing me

i can’t hold her until she falls asleeep via skype

or silently watch as she creates her own play world

listen to her talk to her toys

or herself

there will be no more singing in the car

or walking the dogs together

no more singing her bath song

or breaking my back to be her horsey

the most special part of my life is over.

knowing that she loves me

knowing i will see her tomorrow and the next day

has been my reason.

my heart is breaking.

give me hope, help me cope with this heavy load….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 18/01/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i thought i’d know how to do this,
but
i don’t.

grief is not a stranger
loss
not an unfamiliar concept

it turns out
you
can’t
learn this

i feel lost.
i wasn’t ready for this
how can you ever be ready ?

i’m scared i am getting it wrong
i know that doesn’t make sense,
but
when did that ever stop me

i need it to be the way
he
would want it

our relationship was so uncomplicated
it never become muddled
with
crazy

i was always the same person to him
and
he was always what i needed him to be

safe
stable
loving

he was a connection to
everything
good
a life that is almost gone

i can’t articulate
who he was
or
how i will miss him

practise does not make perfect
i do not know how to do this