Archive for love

stop giving me choices…

Posted in children, dating, love, motherhood, pregnancy, relationships, romance, sex with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 15/01/2015 by doyourememberthattime

i think i may well have written this or something like it about a dozen times in the last 8 or 9 years.

that may not seem excessive, but when i add to that the fact that it’s running aound in my head pretty much every day, it gets repetitive.

almost everyone i know has found their one, with relative ease it seems. they’re all settled & happy, which is wonderful.
but i’m that desperate woman in her 30’s who’s womb is a time bomb.

and i get it, i’m not the most captivating prospect. i’m difficult. i’m too old & dated too many fuckwits to put up with even the tiniest hint of bullshit.

i’m mental. really, properly mental. if you’re in any doubt scroll back through a few posts.

i’m covered in scars. literally covered in them. that’s not a hot look in anyone’s book. actually, i don’t think that’s really the issue with the scars. it’s what they signify rather than how they look. they’re scary. i get that.

this isn’t a oh no, i’m a pariah, no one loves me thing. i know i’m not repulsive. i can be pretty damn sexy & on my better days i’m a cool person.

that may be part of the problem. i know who i am
and i undeniably know what i want.

try as might, almost, just isn’t good enough.

i have gone out with a fair few lovely men. smart, attractive, funny blah, blah, blah
but
they don’t set my world alight
to be as cliched as fuck, there are no butterflies.

i’m lucky. i’m grateful.
i have extraordinary friends.
a close, loving family.
a bloody roof over my head.
i have a lot.
i know.

i want more.

folk are so supportive. they tell me how fantastic i am. how much i deserve my happy ending. i’m sure you’ve all heard this stuff at some point.
it’s never too late
there’s someone for everyone
you just haven’t met the right person.

of course the glaringly obvious point is, i have.
i have met him.
i’ve known him
&
laughed with him
&
fucked him
&
loved him
for years. for forever, really.

i know he’s the right man.
he’s an integral part of my life. a person who gets me through some really shitty times in his own undemonstrative way.
the only man i could realistically see myself being happy with
the only man who ever made me feel i was in movie love.
the only man who didn’t tire of my weirdness
and
matches me pound for pound with his own variety of odd.

my friend. my lover.
the man i can not have.

there’s that biological clock
&
it’s deafening.
the desire for a child is all encompassing
time is running out
i’ve spent too long being crazy
&
dating the wrong men
&
trying to be brave enough to try again.

there aren’t any years left to waste.
i have to get my life in order
and
do it.

that probably means i’ll be having a baby on my own
i suppose that should be terrifying
it isn’t
i’m not scared in the slighest
raising a child feels inherently right
i can not comprehend of a life in which i am not a mother

he can’t conceive a future in which he is father.

i can’t have both
we talk abstractly about what we’re giving up
if we’d met earlier
if we both weren’t so damaged
how happy we could be together.
if. if. if.
those conversations occupy my mind
sometimes.
they circle my thoughts before i fall asleep.
but
that circle isn’t never ending
i can not have both
that’s were this love story ends.

i’ve made my decision.
i believe it’s the right one
it’s not simple
or
painless
it is unequivocal.

i think i have always held romanitc notions of fate.
it never occured to me that destiny would be so cruel.
that’s life.
you roll your dice
you make your choices.

worth it….

Posted in children, depression, family, friendship, love, mental illness, motherhood, pregnancy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 24/11/2014 by doyourememberthattime

one of my dearest friends gave birth yesterday
she brought a beautiful baby girl into the world
and
i’m so proud of her
i’m so happy for her
i’m so in love with that little girl already

but
i’m crying
when she told me she was in labour i felt a stab of pain so sharp
that it took my breath away
because i’m selfish
and jealous
and another person i love is getting everything I want

the thing is once i got my breath back
i prayed that her labour was easy
i prayed for them both to be safe
i was excited.
all i wanted was for them both to be healthy & happy.

when i saw her beautiful little face this afternoon
i cried happy tears
she’s perfect
and her mummy has done the bravest, hardest thing by bringing her into the world
i know how full of love her life is going to be
and
how wonderful her parents are.

we live on different continents
i can’t be there every day
but
i want nothing more than to be a part of this tiny new human’s life
i can’t wait to watch this family grow.

So, yes
i’m self-involved
and
yes, it hurts
but
the hurt isn’t a patch on the joy
idoesn’t touch the thrill of a new life
it cannot dull the pride
Nor dampen the adventure.

there will always be pain
and
it will always be worth it

the huge, expansive love
will never stop being worth it.

i know you care…

Posted in love, motherhood, relationships, romance, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 22/03/2014 by doyourememberthattime

You’ll never read this. You will never know how much I love you. How much I would sacrifice for you will remain unsaid. It doesn’t mean it’s not real. Not saying it out loud won’t prevent me from going to sleep with thoughts of you every night. Even when I’m not alone, my last waking moments are filled with you.

I compare every man I encounter to you. They never meet the grade. I don’t know if you will ever stop being my measuring stick. It’s not because I consider you perfect. I see your faults. You drive me crazy. It doesn’t matter. I see you and you’re what I want.

It’s such a cliché, but I’ve never known anyone who made me feel the way you do. Every time you kiss me is as exciting as the first time. The slightest touch, that stern look, the sound of my name on your lips and I melt. And the sex, oh god, I will miss the sex. I never want you to stop talking. I will always want to know more. I devour your details. You make me feel like the me I used to love. I’m smarter & funnier & kinder & sexier in your company. When your eyes fall on me, I feel real. I feel like I am worth something. I’m not sure that you even know that. I wish I could find the words to tell you.

I hid all my dirty secrets from you, thinking you’d run. You never did. You accepted things you never wanted to and you haven’t held it against me. You know how truly fucked up I am, but you still see the whole picture. You’re there for me in quiet ways. You don’t send flowers or make a fuss. You know when I’m desperate. You know which two strokes of the keyboard can reach me. A genuinely nice man is hard to find, but you are. No matter how hard to try to hide it or shirk it, I know.

I’m pretty sure you see right through me & you’re not half as opaque as you believe you are. I could be happy with you. You don’t want to admit that you need anyone at all, but I’m almost certain you could be happy with me too. I don’t want anything much from you. All I’d need is for you to keep being odd & charming & difficult & honest. I’d do everything within my power not to hurt you. I’d never ask you to be anyone, but who you are. I don’t need you to slog away in a job that makes you miserable. Do whatever you like. I don’t want your money. I’d never ask you to take care of me in that way. I’m not that woman. You know that.

I know how futile this is. I am aware that none of this matters because there’s one obstacle we could never overcome. You do not want to be a father. Playing happy families is not for you. Sadly, if there’s one thing I want more than you, it’s a child. My heart pines for you, but every cell in my body aches for baby. It’s not your fault. You’ve never deceived me or given me false hope. I had oh so many opportunities to walk away.

I’ve tried. I really put myself out there. I’ve been on so many dates. Some of those were really cool guys. Men I saw again & tried to forge a relationship with. A couple of times I even started to consider being over you. It never lasted. Never worked. They’re never a match for you. I hold onto the hope that someone will sweep me off my feet & I will forget all about you. I wish he would hurry up because I can’t stop loving you on my own. My attempts have universally failed. At least part of me wishes for the mystical Mr right. The bigger part just drips in sadness at the thought of not being in love you. I’m still not ready to write you out of my happyily ever after.

If I can’t have you, I still want you to be happy. I want you to be loved by someone who can give you the life I can’t. I know you’ll meet someone. There is no way for me to prepare for that. It will tear me in two, but we can’t continue like this forever.

Just don’t let her shrink you. Don’t keep doing things that make you unhappy to please someone else. Don’t conform to her tastes. Please don’t let a woman tame you again. You don’t belong in a tight little box. That’s not love. You have edge. Always keep your edge.

I will never tell you that you are the love of my life. I will most likely never know exactly how you feel about me. That’s probably for the best because there is nothing you could say that would make it better. I know you care. That is enough.

big is beautiful…

Posted in body positivity, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 27/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

Cosmopolitan website featured an interview with two fat women that caught my eye. Cosmo is not usually a publication I favour, but this interview was a rare beauty. An honest & mostly positive account of life as a plus sized woman. The article was a big hit with the plus size blogging community & a number of bloggers have answered the questions in their own words. I have decided to join the pack because the world needs more body positive voices.

How do you feel when other women around you complain about feeling/being fat?
This is a hard question for me because I have such mixed feelings. Of course it can make me feel bad when women who are much smaller than me complain about being fat, but I don’t think I have the right to police their thoughts & feelings. I am learning to love my body and I would like others to feel the same. However it’s not my place to tell others how they should feel about their bodies. I will always be supportive & body positive, but I’m not going to censure people for having insecurities.
How has your body image changed since high school/college?
I was slim when I was younger. I started to gain some weight ay university, but I was far from plus sized. Despite that I always felt fat. I believed I was the biggest in my group of friends, wouldn’t wear certain types of clothes and generally didn’t feel very attractive. When I look back at pictures I realise this was nonsense. When I did actually become fat there wasn’t a huge shift in how I felt about myself as I already thought very negatively about my body.

Have you ever tried dieting? What happened?
Yush! I have dieted on & off for years. I am very successful at losing weight, but have never been able to maintain the loss. This is mostly because dieting always becomes very extreme for me. I start of trying to stick to a healthy eating plan, but it descends into a crazy regime. I usually end up restricting myself to about 500 cals a day, which anyone will tell you is not sustainable. I’ll be honest, I feel fantastic when I am loss huge amounts of weight. It just isn’t worth what I do to myself to get achieve it.
Do you think in your case your weight is partly or entirely genetic?
I don’t think I have the kind of body that is ever going to be skinny, but no, my weight is not genetic.
Do you consider yourself healthy? Have there been instances where people assumed you were unhealthy?
I’m not healthy, but that has nothing to do with my weight. I am plagued by a number of chronic conditions, which greatly impact my life. On the other hand my cholesterol level is very good; my blood pressure is low and so on. Losing weight would not improve any of illnesses I suffer from.
Are your parents both supportive of the weight you are at? Have they always been?
Neither of my parents is ever cruel or forceful about their desire for me to lose weight, but I am aware that they would prefer me to be smaller. They have both been very happy when I have lost weight in the past.

How do you think retailers can improve clothes for plus-sized people?
Basically, I want the same clothes as smaller women. Just make all your clothes in bigger sizes & let me decide how I want to dress instead of making assumptions about what fat women want to wear. The only retailer I am aware of who do this are ASOS. I highly recommend their curve range. Oh & stop charging me so much.
Do you think plus-size women are judged differently than plus-sized men?
Yes. There are so many visible fat man on tv, films etc. Large men are portrayed as successful and attractive. You often see very fat men with gorgeous partners and fulfilling lives. On the other hand fat women in the media are usually the joke. They’re the stupid big women who thinks someone might be attracted to her (haha, gross) or the miserable failure. Male actors are allowed to be fat in a way that women are not. There is one version of female beauty in mainstream media and it is not fat.
Do you think there is an assumption made/stereotype that exists about plus-size people? How would you respond to it?
Lazy, unattractive, unsuccessful & unpopular. I respond to that by living my life complete with friends, accomplishments & hot men.
Do you think there is ever a right way or time to express concern about someone’s weight?
Do you suspect that someone has an eating disorder? If not, no.
What are the worst things people have said to you about your body?
I think I have been lucky in that I don’t often get negative comments about my weight. I’ve had men I’ve turned down resort to fat slurs. Similarly I have had a few people throw some names at me during arguments/disagreements. That doesn’t happen often & I tend not to keep folks like that in my life.

What have people said (or do you wish they’d say) that would complement your body or appearance?
I want to hear the same things as anyone else. I don’t need specific compliments because I’m fat.
Do you find yourself hanging out with women who are closer to your size?
Nope. I have friends of all shapes and sizes. Physical attributes have no impact on whom I form friendships with.
How has weight affected your sex life, if at all?
It hasn’t. To be honest I think I have a more active & exciting sex life than most of social circle.
When you’ve been single, has your weight affected your dating life?
Only in that I haven’t always felt attractive. I get the same amount of romantic attention fat as I did thin. It hasn’t stopped me dating anyone I wanted to date. Nor has anyone I’ve been in a relationship with ever had a problem with my size. I am sure there are people who look at me & think yuck, fat. Since I have no desire to date anyone harbouring those feelings it has no impact on my life.
Do you feel weird if the guy you’re with only dates larger women?
I would if he was only with me because I was fat, but that goes for any other single attribute. I want a person to want all of me. Having said that I have no problem with someone being attracted to larger women. If I did I would be saying there is something wrong with being fat. Why shouldn’t folk prefer fat women? As long as that’s not the only attraction, it’s fine with me.

Do you feel weird if he’s only dated slimmer women before?
No. I’m not really interested in who he’s dated before. He’s with me now; he clearly likes & fancies me. Who cares about the past?

You can find the original interview here
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/fat-women-real-talk

A letter from my past…

Posted in depression, mental health, suicide with tags , , , , , , , , on 12/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

I was looking through some old notebooks & I stumbled upon this letter. It surprised me how hard it was to read it. I am grateful that I am no longer in that awful place, but I am terrified of going back there.

For the important ones,

I’m gone. If my death was avoidable, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger. I apologise for anything you feel I’ve robbed you of & the hurt I’ve caused. I do love you all, I’m do very sorry that wasn’t enough.

My days are often bright, but I never feel completely safe. My dark cloud can return at any time, always threatening to bully me into submission. I’m writing this because I’m almost certain I won’t survive another storm.

There’s nothing any of you could have done. I’m broken. The damage is irreversible. I can’t get back. Any peace I’ve found is not sustainable. I’m tired & I’m sad. I know I may soon lie down.

I’ll miss you all, take care of each other.

Xmas conversations with the man…

Posted in relationships, sex with tags , , , , , , , , on 08/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

Me – Will you go on the big wheel with me ?

The man – ?

Me – You know, the big Ferris wheel at the Xmas market thing.

The man – You are after cock.

Me – I am not. Every year I want to go on it & every year no one will come with me. Go on. I’ll do something you want.

The man – Bumsex ?

ain’t no mountain high enough…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 30/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

every friday or saturday night I facetime my girl.
it’s first thing in the morning in australia
so, my muffin is just starting her day.
from the moment her little face flashes up on my screen
i am happy.

our calls are always a joy.
she dances for me
tells me incredible stories of her own creation
sings
fills me in on her latest discoveries
be they monster high
or god help us, Justin beiber.
she is amazing.

this child remembers everything.
her memory of events when she was tiny, tiny astound me.
she is so smart
beautiful
&
funny.
she cracks me up.

as much as I love our facetime,
they also break my heart just a little bit
i am missing so much.
my girl swims now
she knows her alphabet
the cats she draws are fantastic
she now says awesome in an aussie accent
&
on friday night a wolf sneaked into her bedroom ( don’t worry, it was a friendly wolf who just wanted to say hello & check out her Justin beiber songs)
i want to be there for every moment.
i want to know what’s happening in her life as it happens.

so, after more than a year of longing for my muffin
14 months without cuddles
reading her bedtime stories
bathing her
holding her hand
or kissing that pretty face,
i am going to Australia.

I have saved
&
saved
&
saved

the time has almost come
i’ll be spending 6 glorious weeks with the most delightful person who ever lived.

auntie auntie will be there real soon
i am going to smother you with love
&
adore every second of it.

it’s got to be worth it….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 22/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I have had a couple of emails & lots of search terms on the topic of self-harm & dating. I can’t claim to be an expert, but I do date & I’m happy to share my tips.
I’d like to start by saying no one has ever flat out rejected me solely on account of my scars or my cutting. That is not to say that self-harm has never caused a problem in relationships, but no one has run away screaming.
I find that being upfront and forthright has worked best for me. On a first date with someone new I will wear something that allows a little bit of scarring to be seen. This is scary, but less scary than getting to know & like someone all the while worrying about how and when to tell them your secret. It also gives anyone who can’t handle scars or their implications a chance to bail before anyone gets attached. Be prepared for some lingering glances when they think you aren’t looking. It’s also possible that they may ask questions right away, whenever they do ask, I always answer briefly, but honestly. If you develop a relationship with this person any lies you tell will be uncovered. Again it allows either party to walk away if they aren’t comfortable with the route the conversation takes.
I have been internet dating & I deliberately uploaded one picture that shows some scars. I think this is a good idea as wards off anyone who has a real issue with self-harm or scars. As we all know, people can be crueller online than they would be in person, so weeding out the bastards early can only be a plus.
I think once the relationship progresses & people start to care about each, the scars are less of a problem than they actual self-harming behaviour. I’ve had men admit that my scars disturb them a little, make them feel sad or protective, but never enough to stop them wanting to have a relationship with me. I know a lot of people worry that their scars make them unattractive; I use to be scared that mine robbed me of any desirability. I have been reassured by men that I’ve dated that after the initial shock; they mostly cease to really notice them. Certainly no one has ever found them so distasteful as to be turned off.
If you are still actively self-harming relationships can be difficult. Obviously it’s distressing to know that someone you care about is in so much pain. There is no easy way around that. I’m not relationship expert or counsellor, but what I can tell you is be truthful with your partner. Open up, let them support you if they able. Love & self-harm (or any mental illness) are not mutually exclusive. When you meet the right person, it can work.
Having said that, there are pitfalls. Don’t be afraid to walk away, if the other party is detrimental to your mental health. Please don’t feel that you have to change or ‘get better’ for someone. Recovery is a personal journey. It will only work if you’re doing it for yourself. You don’t need anyone in your life that makes you feel guilty. Nor do you want someone who is ashamed or embarrassed of your problems. Remember you are worth just as much as everyone else. Be brave and stand up for yourself if needs be.

In conclusion I would say, go for it. There are kind, decent people out there who will see the whole you. The right person will try to understand. There are lots of wonderful men & women just waiting to meet you. You can have lots of fun trying new people on & seeing who fits best. You’re good enough as you are. Keep telling yourself that until you start to believe it.

with love from me to you – a little advice

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I have had some search terms that have compelled to write another little advice type post. Hopefully this post will help someone feel a little better.
I self-harmed because I felt fat.
I am not sure if readers of this bog are aware, but I am a plus sized woman. I‘ll be honest I struggle with body positivity. We live in a world where thin is worshipped. We are constantly told there is only one kind of beauty. That is categorically wrong. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Fat does not equal ugly. I understand that this can be hard to believe. I have found a lot of support and inspiration from the fat acceptance movement. I would recommend that you check this out. It’s a loving & affirming community. I also love ‘fatshion’ blogs, big beautiful woman rocking gorgeous clothes. Searching for fat acceptance on tumblr & pinterest is a good entry into the fat pride world. Below are also a couple of links to my favourite fatshion blogs, both have a feminist slant & will make you feel good.
http://www.archedeyebrow.com
http://www.nearsightedowl.com

I feel so ugly & embarrassed about my self harm scars
Your scars are not ugly. I’m sure those words seem empty to you, but they are true. Scars show so many things, that you’ve survived, that you’ve had to fight, your vulnerability & strength; you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I know it is scary to face other people’s judgement, but you are stronger than them. No one is perfect. We all have flaws. Try to surround yourself with people who accept you as you are. If that is a struggle in real life, you can find communities online to provide support & help you educate friends & family members. Twitter is an excellent resource for finding people experiencing and advocating for mental illness. I am happy to help any of my readers, please feel free to get in contact & I will do what I can.

Self-harm scars forever alone
Dating and relationships can be scary when you have self-harm scars. It’s very difficult to know when to reveal that you have struggled with self-harm or mental illness in general. You are never guaranteed a positive reaction, it can feel hopeless. However, I can tell you from my own experience that this is not the case. I have had both long & short term relationships during the 14yrs I have been self-harming. I have slept with women & men mostly with little conversation about my scars. Of course mental illness can cause problems in a relationship. It can be very difficult for a loved one to know that you are hurting yourself, but it is possible to overcome these issues. I can honestly say that I have never been rejected because of my scars (which are extensive). You can & will find love.

I’ll finish with some general advice for all my readers.
If you are struggling with self-harm, please seek help. Find someone you feel comfortable talking to & tell them you need help. As terrifying as it sounds, your gp is a great first step. The sooner you seek help, the better. Self-harm spirals out of control very quickly. Please, please, please do not try to do this alone. You need and deserve help. Trust me; you will be glad you reached out. Do not hesitate to contact me if you feel I could help you do this.

you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on 11/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i have been talking to the man a lot lately
we are always in touch,
recently we’ve had these long running conversations that never really end
texts and calls that just pick as if there had been no break
i’ve going through something
that I haven’t spoken to anyone else about
and
he’s been so available.
it’s bitter sweet
i am grateful for his support
no one else can handle me the way he does
he can make me smile during the darkest moments
and, yet
there is sadness
a little part of me still wishes we had worked
when we’re good like this, it’s hard to believe
we can’t be together.

i’ve had a few dreams
we’re just sleeping cuddled up in my bed
i never want to wake up from them.

my heart aches a tiny bit
i’m not going to get involved with him again
we will remain only friends
but
will I ever be completely over him?
i’m unconvinced.
i think the man will always have a part of my heart
he will forever be the one that got away.

i’m dating
i’m moving on

no one has come close to matching him yet
i never feel the way he made me feel
when he looked at me, he wanted me
through his eyes I could see a marvellous woman
a person I was proud to be

if I wrote a list of all things I need from the man I spend my life with
the very nearly add up to him.

almost will never be enough
repeat as needed

there won’t be any stupid steps back
but
these last few weeks have been special
and
i’d be lying if I didn’t admit that my heart
doesn’t want it to end.