Archive for love

it’s got to be worth it….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 22/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I have had a couple of emails & lots of search terms on the topic of self-harm & dating. I can’t claim to be an expert, but I do date & I’m happy to share my tips.
I’d like to start by saying no one has ever flat out rejected me solely on account of my scars or my cutting. That is not to say that self-harm has never caused a problem in relationships, but no one has run away screaming.
I find that being upfront and forthright has worked best for me. On a first date with someone new I will wear something that allows a little bit of scarring to be seen. This is scary, but less scary than getting to know & like someone all the while worrying about how and when to tell them your secret. It also gives anyone who can’t handle scars or their implications a chance to bail before anyone gets attached. Be prepared for some lingering glances when they think you aren’t looking. It’s also possible that they may ask questions right away, whenever they do ask, I always answer briefly, but honestly. If you develop a relationship with this person any lies you tell will be uncovered. Again it allows either party to walk away if they aren’t comfortable with the route the conversation takes.
I have been internet dating & I deliberately uploaded one picture that shows some scars. I think this is a good idea as wards off anyone who has a real issue with self-harm or scars. As we all know, people can be crueller online than they would be in person, so weeding out the bastards early can only be a plus.
I think once the relationship progresses & people start to care about each, the scars are less of a problem than they actual self-harming behaviour. I’ve had men admit that my scars disturb them a little, make them feel sad or protective, but never enough to stop them wanting to have a relationship with me. I know a lot of people worry that their scars make them unattractive; I use to be scared that mine robbed me of any desirability. I have been reassured by men that I’ve dated that after the initial shock; they mostly cease to really notice them. Certainly no one has ever found them so distasteful as to be turned off.
If you are still actively self-harming relationships can be difficult. Obviously it’s distressing to know that someone you care about is in so much pain. There is no easy way around that. I’m not relationship expert or counsellor, but what I can tell you is be truthful with your partner. Open up, let them support you if they able. Love & self-harm (or any mental illness) are not mutually exclusive. When you meet the right person, it can work.
Having said that, there are pitfalls. Don’t be afraid to walk away, if the other party is detrimental to your mental health. Please don’t feel that you have to change or ‘get better’ for someone. Recovery is a personal journey. It will only work if you’re doing it for yourself. You don’t need anyone in your life that makes you feel guilty. Nor do you want someone who is ashamed or embarrassed of your problems. Remember you are worth just as much as everyone else. Be brave and stand up for yourself if needs be.

In conclusion I would say, go for it. There are kind, decent people out there who will see the whole you. The right person will try to understand. There are lots of wonderful men & women just waiting to meet you. You can have lots of fun trying new people on & seeing who fits best. You’re good enough as you are. Keep telling yourself that until you start to believe it.


with love from me to you – a little advice

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I have had some search terms that have compelled to write another little advice type post. Hopefully this post will help someone feel a little better.
I self-harmed because I felt fat.
I am not sure if readers of this bog are aware, but I am a plus sized woman. I‘ll be honest I struggle with body positivity. We live in a world where thin is worshipped. We are constantly told there is only one kind of beauty. That is categorically wrong. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Fat does not equal ugly. I understand that this can be hard to believe. I have found a lot of support and inspiration from the fat acceptance movement. I would recommend that you check this out. It’s a loving & affirming community. I also love ‘fatshion’ blogs, big beautiful woman rocking gorgeous clothes. Searching for fat acceptance on tumblr & pinterest is a good entry into the fat pride world. Below are also a couple of links to my favourite fatshion blogs, both have a feminist slant & will make you feel good.

I feel so ugly & embarrassed about my self harm scars
Your scars are not ugly. I’m sure those words seem empty to you, but they are true. Scars show so many things, that you’ve survived, that you’ve had to fight, your vulnerability & strength; you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I know it is scary to face other people’s judgement, but you are stronger than them. No one is perfect. We all have flaws. Try to surround yourself with people who accept you as you are. If that is a struggle in real life, you can find communities online to provide support & help you educate friends & family members. Twitter is an excellent resource for finding people experiencing and advocating for mental illness. I am happy to help any of my readers, please feel free to get in contact & I will do what I can.

Self-harm scars forever alone
Dating and relationships can be scary when you have self-harm scars. It’s very difficult to know when to reveal that you have struggled with self-harm or mental illness in general. You are never guaranteed a positive reaction, it can feel hopeless. However, I can tell you from my own experience that this is not the case. I have had both long & short term relationships during the 14yrs I have been self-harming. I have slept with women & men mostly with little conversation about my scars. Of course mental illness can cause problems in a relationship. It can be very difficult for a loved one to know that you are hurting yourself, but it is possible to overcome these issues. I can honestly say that I have never been rejected because of my scars (which are extensive). You can & will find love.

I’ll finish with some general advice for all my readers.
If you are struggling with self-harm, please seek help. Find someone you feel comfortable talking to & tell them you need help. As terrifying as it sounds, your gp is a great first step. The sooner you seek help, the better. Self-harm spirals out of control very quickly. Please, please, please do not try to do this alone. You need and deserve help. Trust me; you will be glad you reached out. Do not hesitate to contact me if you feel I could help you do this.

you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on 11/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i have been talking to the man a lot lately
we are always in touch,
recently we’ve had these long running conversations that never really end
texts and calls that just pick as if there had been no break
i’ve going through something
that I haven’t spoken to anyone else about
he’s been so available.
it’s bitter sweet
i am grateful for his support
no one else can handle me the way he does
he can make me smile during the darkest moments
and, yet
there is sadness
a little part of me still wishes we had worked
when we’re good like this, it’s hard to believe
we can’t be together.

i’ve had a few dreams
we’re just sleeping cuddled up in my bed
i never want to wake up from them.

my heart aches a tiny bit
i’m not going to get involved with him again
we will remain only friends
will I ever be completely over him?
i’m unconvinced.
i think the man will always have a part of my heart
he will forever be the one that got away.

i’m dating
i’m moving on

no one has come close to matching him yet
i never feel the way he made me feel
when he looked at me, he wanted me
through his eyes I could see a marvellous woman
a person I was proud to be

if I wrote a list of all things I need from the man I spend my life with
the very nearly add up to him.

almost will never be enough
repeat as needed

there won’t be any stupid steps back
these last few weeks have been special
i’d be lying if I didn’t admit that my heart
doesn’t want it to end.

adventures in dating, part 1

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 15/04/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i’m 32, i’m single & childless.
i am not thrilled with these fact.
which leads me to every single girl’s saviour,
internet dating.

you have to be willing to invest some time.
you have to have a thick skin & be unafraid to block.
a good bullshit detector is required.
men lie.
a few extra pounds always means obese
5ft 10 often equates to somewhere under 5’5
men will message you for the sole purpose of telling what they don’t like about you.
some will drop you a line to request a picture of your tits, i wonder how often that works ?
you have to plough through the thousands of medicore, looking for some to watch a movie & share some wine with profiles.
patience & perservence are essential, but, if you hang in there, if you retain your sense humour and maintain you self esteem,
you might just find a sweet, intelligent, slightly odd man.
or two…….

a tale of two ex’s, part 1

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 06/02/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i hadn’t seen the man for a year or so
and in that time i quietly got over him
it happened whilst i wasn’t looking

i still missed him
being newly single
the idea of a spending some time with him
without all the longing,

if i’m totally honest,
the idea of some no feelings sex had occured to me too.

i was quickly disabused of any no feelings notion.
my controlled, unemotional man was transformed
perhaps it was just all the red wine,

he enquired what i would say if he asked me to move in with him.
he alluded to a desire for us to grow old together
he even seemed to be budging on the children issue.
in his own impossible way of course,

his exact words were,
i don’t want a baby, but
if we had one
i would try to love it

i don’t think he quite grasped how short this offer fell.

he talked about how certain aspects of his life were making him unhappy
expressed fear & uncertainty
asked for my approval
assurances that i would always be in his life.

he was not himself.

it was strange to see him so vunerable
to be honest, i’m worried about him.

i didn’t expect seeing him to bring up so many emotions.
i don’t want to spend my life with him anymore,
i do still love him.
i still want to take care of him
is a little dangerous.

when we parted he kissed me.
as much as i wanted to feel nothing
i was as blown away as i’ve always been

he presses his lips to mine
i melt
i don’t experience that with anyone else.

i’m not going back
he is never going to give me what i want

i just can’t help wondering
what might have been…..

you win again….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on 27/01/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t really wanted to write,
i feel a failed a little bit.

i thought i was doing well
it crept back in

alan & i broke up
that wasn’t the cause
i wasn’t in love with him
he didn’t break my heart

i was having fun
which must have helped
it’s easier to forge ahead
when there is something to push towards.
the sex, of course
i always feel better when i’m having good sex.

the repetiton of the ending
no fault
no awful deeds
we just don’t want the same things.

i’ve heard that line before.

now, we’re being friends
another ex to add to my collection
i imagine, every man i ever go out with claiming a deep desiere to be friends,
is some sort of compliment,
it stings.

he’s not the reason for my dip.
i had a sad day or two
then i was ready to move on.

the blackness had other ideas.
i’m fighting so hard
following all the rules
keep busy
don’t isolate
don’t blame myself
don’t feel guilty
don’t cry
don’t cry

i’m a model patient
i’m taking a fucking dance class.
i’m dating
i’m not cutting

my head remains unaltered
i wake up feeling the dread of another day
i struggle
every day
all day
not to hurt myself
or drug my self unconscious
just waiting for it to be late enough to go to bed again.

distractions don’t work
cutting works
i know the elation i’d feel
if i could only dig a blade into my skin
then i’ve really failed.

so, i continue with this new life
voluntary work
dance classes
big fake smiles
hope, hope, hope
the light returns.

a house is not a home…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on 31/08/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t written a some time.
mostly because i haven’t had anything to say about
the situation i find myself in.

i’m not sure if i can be any more lucid now
it feels time to try.

my niece is gone.
it is even harder than i anticipated
my life feels incerdibly empty without her

in the big picture
she’s still my reason
day to day
my life has no meaning

the way i miss my brother
has taken by surprise.
i knew i’d miss him
i didn’t realise that i’d feel i had a missing part
we’ve always been a foursome
two girls
two boys
and, now one of is gone
the eldest piece of our puzzle

it feels wrong

so, i exist between skype calls,
live for their half hour duration
quietly die when she kisses the screen

i’m not going to recite the details of my daily decline
it’s tawdry

it just felt time to