Archive for memories seep from my veins

memories seep from my veins….

Posted in self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 02/05/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

when i think about slicing into an arlready open wound,

i feel slighty sick.

my stomach  flutters horribly.

and yet,

when i do it,

i am calm.

watching the skin split wider,

my blade tear through another layer,

i am merely fascinated.

the deeper the shade of my blood,

the deeper the wound,

the more satisfied i become.

i can see the blue nestling in the corner of my current effort,

a vein presenting it self to me.

should i venture on ?

i don’t know how significant the vein  is.

i can’t tell for sure how much further down lies.

the body can be deceptive.

i know i would like the blood.

the fast, pulsing, unstoppable flow.

but i can’t calculate the consequences.

can i move fast enough, if action is required ,

or will i be mesmerized by rush of pure red relief ?

i know even as i contemplate it,

that cutting further is selfish.

it’s stupid.

but

i want to cleanse myself of these feelings.

i’m delaying making the decision.

i’m writing this

&

watching the blood.

the urge is getting stronger.

i can’t let myself off easily.

this is what i need.

this is who i am.

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