Archive for mentall illness

in the wee small hours of the morning……

Posted in depression, insomnia, self harm with tags , , , , , , on 18/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i have that terrible sensation in my stomach & chest.

it’s a sort of fizzing.

it means the thought of hurting myself has travelled from my mind

& taken root right in the centre of me.

i haven’t fully decided,

but it is unlikely that i will be able to resist its pull.

if i were sleeping,

this would not happen.

night time

is a dangerous time

i can occupy myself all day

even with the stupidest of tasks

i have appointments,

housework,

tv & books.

i can text or chat to friends.

i can go for a walk

visit my niece.

the world is awake

i’m just one more ordinary person

not so at night

normality ceases

my insomnia is just another symptom of crazy

i’m tired

i become less able to cope with my emotions.

i have no one to turn to.

nothing i do through the night seems “normal”

people don’t hoover at 1am.

i shouldn’t be eating, it’s the worst time to eat.

any form of distraction fails because it so obviously a distraction

i can’t relax

i can’t fool myself

i know what i am trying not to contemplate

which makes the thoughts even more powerful.

it’s often around this time that my mood starts to plummet

i feel scared

& the battle commences in my head.

sleep would conquer this

insomnia is an especially cruel part of depression.

it removes any hope of respite.

there is no escaping my head.

 

oh, how i wish i could sleep.

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what is it good for ?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on 20/06/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i’m waging a war
with myself.

there are ceasefires,
but i am currently fighting a battle on two fronts.
there are bound to be casualties.

part of me knows it is time to quit.
i can’t hold this front forever.
it is not possible to make him love me
equally,i can’t make myself stop loving him.
it’s painful to look at someone & see a future i can’t have.

half of me is ready to wave my white flag
and
the other half is prepared to dig in.

and there is the ongoing, dirty squirmish.
CUT
DON’T CUT
emotions lined up on each side of the barricades.
guilt & pain ready to face fear & sadness.
there is no victor.
i lose everytime.