Archive for miscarriage

you took the life right out of me….

Posted in children, family, miscarriage, motherhood, pregnancy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/09/2014 by doyourememberthattime

yesterday was the 14th anniversary of my due date.
that sentence scares me.
in 14yrs my loss hasn’t become any less painful.
nor do i feel any less alone with it.

each year I try to put plans in place
distraction.
it makes no difference
it always consumes me.

i can’t stop myself from thinking of the landmarks i’ve missed
last night i lay in bed wondering what it would be like to have a teenager sleeping across the hall
would we constantly battling?
would he hate me?
&
need me simultaneously
could i have raised a responsible young man all by myself?
i really think i could.

i think about first words & first steps
playing him the music I love
watching him discover his own musical tastes.
i daydream of trips to parks
sleepovers
fights about how late he is allowed to stay out.

every year is another milestone i don’t experience
another memory i can’t cherish
there is a gaping hole in my life
no
there is a huge hole in me
and
it echoes in everything i do.

with the build up to each anniversary
i hope someone will remember
i want so desperately for someone else to care about my boy
to imagine how he would have enriched our lives
it would mean so much if someone other than me acknowledged his short, short life.
for anyone to want to remember him.

of course, no one does
and
i don’t have the strength to keep reminding people
it’s just another day to them
no one wants to talk about miscarriage
i don’t think my boy is real to them.

so, i usually spend the day alone
often drinking
crying
piecing together what might have been.

T
this year feels worse
i am running out of time
lately, having a baby has been a continuous preoccupation
i need to be mum
i am a mum
i don’t know if this wound can ever be healed
but
hearing a tiny little person call me mummy would start the process.

i can’t replace my darling boy
he’ll always be with me
but
my arms are empty
&
my heart is so full.

 

 

Beyoncé Heartbeat

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caught in a trap….

Posted in miscarriage with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 23/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

the cramps take me back to place I don’t want to go

this feels so horribly familiar

we’re alone

i’m so scared

i want everything to be ok

but

i already know nothing is ever going to be alright again

 

i’m trapped in memories

i can feel it all over again

 

something is going very wrong inside me

my beautiful new life is slipping away

the life that i have fallen in love with

i have no power

how do stop this from happening ?

i am not equipped to deal with this

there is no one to help me

 

i already feel so inadequate

i should have shielded you

you are my sole responsibility

i lost sight of that

i haven’t fought hard enough

i’m losing you

with every hot spasm

i know

you’re dying

 

the blood brings it all rushing back

 

all control is lost

if I could only halt this tide

perhaps your heart would keep beating

i want to protect you

someone please help me.

 

don’t tell me there is nothing you can do

don’t tell me its god’s plan

don’t tell me it’s over.

 

i need a miracle

i need someone to save us.

i’m longing for your heartbeat…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 12/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

Dear Baby,
You wouldn’t be a baby anymore. You would be 13 today. It’s hard to imagine the life we would have together now. I think about you, I create little scenarios for each milestone. I ache for every step you haven’t taken. I wonder if I could have been enough for you. As it stands you only have me, but you’ll have me forever.
The strange thing is I didn’t stop being a mother because you didn’t make into this world. I’ve always felt like your mummy & it’s hard to be a mum with no visible child. Sometimes I wish I could tell everyone I meet, I had a boy, not for long, but he’s always with me. I want people to care as much about your short life as I do. I want you to be loved.
Mostly, I need you here. I don’t know how to celebrate your birthday without you. I’ve found it impossible to separate the sadness of losing you from the miracle of creating you. I love you. I’d have done anything to carry you safely to life. I hope you know that.
love always
mum
xx

the first cut is the deepest ……..

Posted in miscarriage, self harm with tags , , , , , on 12/06/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i was 19 years old when i began to hurt myself

 

i didn’t recognise or consider it self harm at the at time.

 

i would have been familiar of the term

 

my mum worked in mental health

 

so, it’s something i would have been aware of

 

just not something i applied to myself.

 

i do not know my thought process the first time

 

i know i was in a lot of pain

 

i was stuck in an emtionally abusive relationship

 

i had just miscarried

 

my so called significant other wouldn’t even take me to the hospital when i began to bleed heavily

 

he went to the student union to play pool & have pint.

 

i think that gives a fairly good insight into our relationship.

 

i was trying so hard to be ok

 

i sat & passed my exams at uni.

 

i actually did really well

 

i tried to fool everyone that i was coping

 

i tried to hide how bad things were at home

 

i was working to pay all the bills

 

whilst he spent his money on drugs ,booze

 

and generally having fun

 

i loved him

 

i was addicted to him

 

my life revolved around him

 

i was trapped

 

because

 

i couldn’t leave him

 

&

 

he knew it.

 

he wouldn’t let me talk about our baby

 

he was glad he died

 

he didn’t want anything to do with pregnancy

 

the miscarriage was a huge relief for him.

 

everything was so wrong

 

i was so scared

 

heartbroken

 

alone

 

i can understand being desperate

 

i didn’t want to admit i’d failed

 

all those people who told me we were too young

 

or he wasn’t right for me

 

were correct

 

he was killing me

 

but

 

i had already lost so much

 

i would never hold my son

 

never kiss him goodnight

 

i had failed at the most important task i had ever been entrusted with.

 

i couldn’t keep him safe

 

i just couldn’t bear to lose anything else.

 

i clung on hoping things would change

 

hoping he might one day love me enough

 

or at all

 

i don’t know when the thought crept into my head

 

i don’t know how i knew it would soothe me

 

maybe i just wanted help

 

perhaps i thought he would see how much pain i was in

 

there is a chance i could have been punnishing myself.

 

i don’t know

 

i do know that once i started,

 

i couldn’t stop.

 

i had found something to get me through the days

 

it could be argued that self harm kept me alive

 

the only thing i know for sure is that i would give anything to know then what i know now.

 

i wish i had known where this would lead

 

i wish i knew what i would become.

blood on my hands to stay strong….

Posted in depression, family, miscarriage, pregnancy, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , on 22/12/2010 by doyourememberthattime

My friend is 6wks pregnant.

She told me tonight.

She has been trying for a while & i am happy for her.

I’m excited.

I want that to be the full extent  of how i feel,

 

But it never is.

 

I’ve been through this quite a few times now.

And it’s always the same.

Happy for them and so very sad for me.

 

Everytime, i wonder, when will it be me ?

Everytime ,i hate myself for being so selfish.

Everytime, i feel this gaping hole at the centre of me

 

I’m losing hope that i will ever be able to fill it.

 

I feel an actual physical pain.

I yearn for all the memories i never got to make

All the tears and smiles i’ve missed.

My heart breaks that my boy never got the chance to call me mummy

I am terrified that no one will ever call me mummy.

 

I feel so incredibly lonely.

i know it’s not the answer

but

the only respite i know is in self destruction

i bleed to survive.

I’ll cut this sadness out.