Archive for need

i don’t want you, but i need you…..

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 26/01/2012 by doyourememberthattime

it’s hard to write about this
as
i really don’t understand it

my mind seems to have taken over
i no longer “want” to cut
want isn’t the right word
i’ve never wanted to do it
but
more & more
i actively
don’t
want to hurt myself

i’m so tired
it’s getting harder
not more painful
just physically
exhausting
it takes so much out of me

it’s never enough
i can’t attain the same calm
i am always dissatisfied with my work

i’d always been led to believe that i did this because
it worked
that when the balance tipped
and
the negative outweighed the gain
i
would
stop

i think i have reached that point.
i am physically deteriating
and
mentally sinking.

i am not stopping

if anything the comuplsion grows stronger
i can’t stop

my head will not be quiet
there’s no rest
until
i cut

at the moment i am giving myself
every
other
day
off

i feel so guilty.
it is weak to need break
how dare i go so easy on
me

the only thing i gain from slicing myself up
is a temporary end to the battle in my head
i never win
if i don’t hurt
i berate myself
and
if i do
i’ve failed

so, i continue
for the reprieve
the precious silence

i’m beginning to suspect
that i am praying
a high price
for that peace

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give me hope, help me cope with this heavy load….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 18/01/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i thought i’d know how to do this,
but
i don’t.

grief is not a stranger
loss
not an unfamiliar concept

it turns out
you
can’t
learn this

i feel lost.
i wasn’t ready for this
how can you ever be ready ?

i’m scared i am getting it wrong
i know that doesn’t make sense,
but
when did that ever stop me

i need it to be the way
he
would want it

our relationship was so uncomplicated
it never become muddled
with
crazy

i was always the same person to him
and
he was always what i needed him to be

safe
stable
loving

he was a connection to
everything
good
a life that is almost gone

i can’t articulate
who he was
or
how i will miss him

practise does not make perfect
i do not know how to do this