Archive for opiates

you slip into the fog….

Posted in depression, mental illness, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 18/03/2014 by doyourememberthattime

the arrival of sunday brought with it doom.
a hopeless kind of sadness that consumes all the light.
it’s a feeling that overwhelms
and
sends me into an emotional spiral.

everything is pointless
it is impossible to believe that this will pass.
i simply can’t cope.

my escape is a beautiful opiate fog
tramadol supplemented with trazadone & valium.
a cocktail guaranteed to keep me sealed within soft bubble.
the outside world unable to harm me
reality ceases to exist.

i float from hour to hour
content to be numb.

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and watch your life slide out of view…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 08/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i’m bogged down in the swap of depression
again.

i don’t why it always creeps back. i do the work, i make progress. i start to think i am moving forward and then before i know it i am entrenched in this misery.

life becomes too much. every single task is overwhelming.
Washing, dressing, opening the post, doing the dishes. all impossible.

i can’t even begin to tackle this cluster of simple, mundane jobs. i feel worthless. i am ashamed to admit my paralysis. i can’t ask for help because i can’t bear for anyone to know.

each inconsequential decision becomes a mammoth undertaking. i can debate with myself for hours about whether to sit in the living room or my bedroom. i’m crippled by the fear of getting it wrong, of making it worse.

and the sorrow. the stagnating sadness, which i can’t drag myself out of.

the voice in my head constantly berating me. it tells me what a failure i am. it demands that i cut. screams orders to rip myself apart.

i can’t stand it.

i drug myself with handfuls of pills. opiates to blur reality, sedatives to shut me down. anything to escape the drone in my head.
But
there is no escape. there is always another day. the blood will never flow unchallenged.
it’s never enough.
so,i wait.
for the voice to get quieter
my mood to become unstuck
and
i pray
there won’t be a next time.