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worth it….

Posted in children, depression, family, friendship, love, mental illness, motherhood, pregnancy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 24/11/2014 by doyourememberthattime

one of my dearest friends gave birth yesterday
she brought a beautiful baby girl into the world
i’m so proud of her
i’m so happy for her
i’m so in love with that little girl already

i’m crying
when she told me she was in labour i felt a stab of pain so sharp
that it took my breath away
because i’m selfish
and jealous
and another person i love is getting everything I want

the thing is once i got my breath back
i prayed that her labour was easy
i prayed for them both to be safe
i was excited.
all i wanted was for them both to be healthy & happy.

when i saw her beautiful little face this afternoon
i cried happy tears
she’s perfect
and her mummy has done the bravest, hardest thing by bringing her into the world
i know how full of love her life is going to be
how wonderful her parents are.

we live on different continents
i can’t be there every day
i want nothing more than to be a part of this tiny new human’s life
i can’t wait to watch this family grow.

So, yes
i’m self-involved
yes, it hurts
the hurt isn’t a patch on the joy
idoesn’t touch the thrill of a new life
it cannot dull the pride
Nor dampen the adventure.

there will always be pain
it will always be worth it

the huge, expansive love
will never stop being worth it.

for granda

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 17/01/2012 by doyourememberthattime

there wasn’t anyway for me to prepare for you leaving ,
but, i pray we got it right.
i hope that you felt our love surrounding you in your final days
& that you continue be warmed by it now.

mostly i want to thank you,
for always being exactly what we needed.
from the spark you brought to my childhood holidays
to the tales of your wartime escapdes
you always had a very special kind of magic.

i know you are with gran now
that you are at peace
& hopefully they got your tea the way you like it.
i want you to be certain of the huge impact you made on my life,
rest easy, granda
you got it so right.

you will always be with me
i will continue to strive to make you proud
of course, i will never forget your wisest words…

up here for thinking
down there for dancing

i love you.

i will submit

Posted in self harm with tags , , , , on 01/08/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i do not turn my head to the wall
there is no cowering in my life, condemn me,
if you must
i will not deny strength is found in my blood
i do not shrink from my responsibility
your bitter words, offer no solution
i will submit to
my blade
but not to your prejudice
i wreak my own havoc
to find my own piece of mind
my pain
my calm
my own affair
i offer no apology for my survival
i seek harm only to heal
pour your scorn, my blood still spills
i will submit to
my blade
but not to your prejudice

head over feet

Posted in love, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on 13/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i like to meet him when he finishes work.
i wait just around the corner from his office,

he texts me when he’s coming down

& i just stand there smiling.

that first glimpse of him as he turns the corner is so excitingly familiar.

that smiles becomes a big beaming grin as i watch him approach.

And then the magic moment,

he kisses me.


butterflies every single time.

i feel so proud.

he is kissing me, right there in the busy street.

he wants me

and he doesn’t care who knows it.

we walk along our cobbled street.

he’ll tell about his day

we’ll decide where to eat

nothing earth shattering

but it’s all i want