Archive for progress

i love you just the way you are….

Posted in body positivity with tags , , , , , , , , , on 02/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

On the way home from Australia I got stuck in Perth for around 13hrs.

There isn’t a huge variety of shops or distractions at the airport, so time dragged.

There appeared to be a few flights delayed that night

Some folks had clearly spent their wait in the bar.

 

I grabbed a frozen coke, found a comfy sofa & settled down with a book.

I passed a couple of quiet hours like that.

I was totally absorbed in John Irving’s wonderful fictional world

And

So was unaware of events around me until I heard raised voices.

I looked up to discover three rather drunk men sat on the sofa opposite me.

They were shouting at a bar maid to bring them a drink immediately.

A young man sat beside me asked them to treat the bar maid with some respect.

This caused the drunken men to round on him.

They began mocking his appearance, before moving onto racial slurs.

I felt very uncomfortable & asked the young man if he as ok.

Obviously, that was a mistake.

Their rancour was now turned on me.

The began by attacking my figure. Apparently I am disgustingly fat.

Predictably there followed some references to my scars.

It was an unpleasant experience.

 

However, the reason I write, is because my reaction surprised me.

I told them my body was my business

And

Walked away.

This sort of thing would usually upset me.

I have spoken before about my self-esteem issues, especially in relation to my size.

That night, I felt angry that those men thought they could abuse three strangers,

But I was not wounded.

I honestly didn’t care what they thought of body.

I am fat

And

That’s ok.

 

I know I keep banging on about Australia, but it really was a revelation.

The heat out there forced me to wear more revealing clothes.

Bare legs & arms

Short dresses & vests.

I began to like what I saw in the mirror.

I received quite a few compliments down under

I was chatted up by some very attractive men

It boosted my confidence.

I felt sexy.

 

Now, I’m not saying Brisbane magically made all my body shame disappear,

But I did take some big steps in the right direction.

I am experimenting with clothes I would have been scared of before my trip

I am pleased with the results

Other people have noticed

I feel so much more positive about my body.

 

I’d still like to lose a little weight

I still feel self-conscious,

But

My figure doesn’t fill me with hate anymore

I’m learning to appreciate my shape.

 

I am edging closer to knowing that I am ok

Just the way I am.

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no distance left to run…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 19/08/2013 by doyourememberthattime

as i have previously discussed, i have been undergoing emdr therapy.
there have been small breakthroughs; i am beginning to aim my anger in appropriate directions,
i am now able to acknowledge that anger & my right to it.
i’ve also begun to accept the magnitude of that awful experience.
sadly, i am yet to shed the certainty that i am to blame.

i continue to self-flagellate
i fear the day that i do not.

along with these positive steps, the side effects have also progressed
the flashbacks have lessened. they now present as intrusive thoughts. treadmills of memories that i cannot get off.
the urge to cut is ever present.
i am powerless without the outlet.
i have no way to jolt myself out of these episodes.

sleep is elusive. the nightmares continue when i do find it.
there are also haunting dreams of what could have been.
the images of what i have missed are painful.
the guilt is fresh again.
the need to atone is powerful
i must hurt myself
pain is essential.

my final torture is the cruelest
body memories
i feel pregnant.
i am experiencing many of the symptoms i felt when pregnant.
combinations of symptoms that i haven’t felt since i carried a life within me
sensations so powerful that i started to believe i was expecting.
began to hope
i took a test, three tests, actually
there won’t be any baby
but
the symptoms continue
torture is not an exaggeration
it’s excruciating
a constant reminder of what i have lost
what i want
what i can’t have

the therapy continues
my psychologist has devised a new approach
i am going to have a weeks’ worth of intensive sessions
his thoughts being that the distress i experience between sessions is counter productive
i think, basically, he is afraid i will do something extreme
he may be right
so, we are attempting to complete the therapy in this block of sessions.
i am terrified
i honestly do not know if i can do it
i want to try.