Archive for psychiatrist

what the hell am i doing here ?…..

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 31/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

therapy was another cry fest.
i have been struggling recently
and
as soon as I sat down in that room, it all came tumbling out

i am so frustrated with my current situation
my slide back into deep depression is soul destroying
and
incomprehensible.
why am I back here when I was making such progress?

nothing has changed.
all the recovery boxes were getting ticked
until it all started to fall apart again.

it’s such a cruel illness
there is no explanation for the sudden blackness crowding my head
i am trying so hard to fight it
but
every tiny little step is exhaustingly hard
it’s so difficult to believe I will ever emerge from the darkness

my psychologist believes that part of my problem is my inability to give myself credit
i do not feel that I should be congratulated for washing & dressing
having tea with a friend does not strike me as deserving of applause.
i struggle to connect with my compassionate mind.

i am critical
i consider myself pathetic for all the things I cannot do

guilt is another struggle
i don’t believe that I am allowed to have happy moments
it seems to me that if I can feel good for a short period of time,
i should be able to make myself ok
all of the time.

the only thing I see worth in
is my voluntary work
i have been donating some time to a children’s & youth initiative
engaging in an activity that is not about me feels good
however, my decline has interfered with this
overcoming me fear & anxiety to even manage the journey has become increasingly difficult
the pressure of Interacting with the other group leaders crushes me
hence, I am able to attend less
and
i am robbed of the one thing that allows me to consider myself a worthwhile member of society.

the battle goes on
i am cutting, but much less frequently
i feel i still have a modicum of control.
forcing myself to see friends & family continues to be a focus,
engaging in voluntary work has become a priority,
i have also begun a new anxiety med until I can see my psychiatrist.

i refuse to give in
with increasing frequency,
i want to.

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searching for answers

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 06/06/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i get a lot of similar sesarch terms on this blog. often they seem to be people looking for answers. i have tried to provide some. hope they help some of you.

what can my psychiatrist do if she sees my scars ?
i think you’re asking this question as you are scared she will do something drastic. in my experience this will not happen. as scary as it is you hvae to be honest with her in order for her to do her job. she is likely to be concerned that you are self harming, but she is not going to have you locked up. she will be able to help you by looking at what leads you to self harm, what puporse it sevres for you & how can develop better coping mechanisms. it’s not an easy road, but infintely better than continuing to hurt yourself. i don’t know how old you are or how long you have been cutting, but i can say that the quicker you get help, the easier it is to stop. good luck.
how do people perceive scars ?
i have had so many different reactions to my scars. i used to be very scared and ashamed & always hide my scars. a few years ago i decided i would beat the shame by wearing what i wanted to. it was very hard to begin with, but has gotten easier. there are still times when i feel the need to cover up. you’re probably wondering when i will get to the point. so, here goes.
people can be cruel. lots will stare, but much fewer will actually comment. the most common question is what happened ? which i choose not to answer. you will come across some folk who will make unkind comments, but nearly as often as you imagine. lots more people will show no visible reaction or display some compassion.
try to remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of. your are beautiful as you are.

my therapist pushes me to do things i don’t want to do. is this ok ?
without specific examples it’s hard to be sure. therapists do often have to suggest and encourage things that you don’t like. the fact that you are in therapy shows that you are having difficulties. sometimes a therapist has to push you out of your comfort zone. therapy often feels worse before it feels better.
having said that, if you are seriously worried or very unhappy with you therapist, you can stop seeing them. it is ok to request another therapist. you could also seek advice from gp, cpn etc.

my scars are not from drugs.
i have had people think some of my scars are from drug use and it can be very frustrating. i don’t have an answer for you, but i understand. your scars aren’t anyone else’s business. it is perfectly ok to tell them that.
can scars seep
my fully healed scars don’t seep unless i pick them. however they do sometimes develop little blisters or balls of hard tissue which can burst. scars do al lsorts of weird things. i think everyones behave differently. best advice is if you are concerened ask your gp.
why should you be proud of scars
i don’t really feel proud of my scars, but i try not to be ashamed. i suppose they are a sign that you have survived, which is something to be proud of.
i don’t want to live with scars

my scars make me want to die
this is the search that most made me want to reach out. my heart aches for you. i know scars can make you feel so many negative emotions. it is scary to let people see them. it’s is incredibly upsetting to be judged on them or deal with unkind comments. i don’t know how you got your scars, but i know you can learn to live with them. you are beautiful, scars don’t change that. nor do they change who you are. believe me, you can still be and do everything you want to. you have survived whatever caused your scarring. you are strong. you can live with your scars. i hope these words can have some impact. don’t ever give up.
can you have a blood transfusion for cutting ?
short answer, yes.
if you get to the stage of needing a transfusion things are pretty serious. i would urge you to get help ( if you aren’t already). i’m a huge hyocrite, but please be gentle with yourself. give your body a break. most of all be careful.
why does therapist asked to see si scars ?
usually so that they can assess how severe your sefl injury is. it’s their job to keep you safe and they want to see how much risk your self injury is putting you in.
you don’t have to show them. if you feel uncomfortable you can say no. it’s your body.
you use the word scars. if you are no longer self harming, there seems little reason to expose old scars. unless you want to or can see a useful reason for doing so.
can you work in mental health if you have sh scars ?
short answer, yes
i know several people who have gone into the mental health field after having their own difficulties. their scars haven’t prevented them from doing so. i do know of one person who was asked to cover their scars at work. i’m not sure of the legalities of that, but it doesn seem to be rare.

sometimes, i hear my voice & its been, silent all these years…

Posted in depression, hope, mental health, trust with tags , , , , , , , , , on 28/02/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i finally saw my new psychiatrist last week

my last dr left & being assigned a new one taken some months

i did not have a good relationship with my previous psychiatrist

in fact

she terrified me

 

she was a good example of what mental health professionals

should

not be

 

she always appeared to be very judgemental

her approach was

cold

harsh

blameful

i always left appointments feeling

worthless

she basically shored up my

self

loathing.

the most troublesome aspect of our therapeutic relationship

was

that she didn’t actually want to treat me

she appeared to have given up

i enquired

more than once

about a change of medication

 some chemical help with my

anxiety

&

insomnia

her response was always the same

i had exhausted my options

i was now left with

lithium

or the status quo

she dismissed my fears about lithium

and

declared

that she could not help me

if i would not accept her advice

 

and

so

i was stuck

she didn’t help

she just scared me

but

i was too frightened to ask for someone else

i didn’t feel i had the right

to question her

 

for once the fates were on my side

she left

giving me the opportunity

to access real help

 

my new psychiatrist

is a marvel

i was so frightened to see him

and

incredibly relieved

after our first meeting

 

he listened to me

he didn’t dismiss how i felt

he spoke to me like an intelligent person

not

some pathetic loon

was asked pertintent questions

and

was interested in my replies

he displayed

empathy

and kindness

 

this dr have me options

I HAVE OPTIONS

 

he explained why he was offered certain drugs

what they could do for me

what the side effects might be

he cared what i thought

he accepted my reservations

and

allowed me the final decision

after much discussion

we decided on a new drug regime

one that i actually believe might help me

 

for the first time

someone is actively treating

insomnia

and

anxiety

as well as depression

 

everyone should have access to this kind of help

so often

the mentally ill

are

dismissed

and

short changed

 

this new dr

has given me hope

for that

i will be forever grateful.