Archive for pulp

and watch your life slide out of view…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 08/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i’m bogged down in the swap of depression
again.

i don’t why it always creeps back. i do the work, i make progress. i start to think i am moving forward and then before i know it i am entrenched in this misery.

life becomes too much. every single task is overwhelming.
Washing, dressing, opening the post, doing the dishes. all impossible.

i can’t even begin to tackle this cluster of simple, mundane jobs. i feel worthless. i am ashamed to admit my paralysis. i can’t ask for help because i can’t bear for anyone to know.

each inconsequential decision becomes a mammoth undertaking. i can debate with myself for hours about whether to sit in the living room or my bedroom. i’m crippled by the fear of getting it wrong, of making it worse.

and the sorrow. the stagnating sadness, which i can’t drag myself out of.

the voice in my head constantly berating me. it tells me what a failure i am. it demands that i cut. screams orders to rip myself apart.

i can’t stand it.

i drug myself with handfuls of pills. opiates to blur reality, sedatives to shut me down. anything to escape the drone in my head.
But
there is no escape. there is always another day. the blood will never flow unchallenged.
it’s never enough.
so,i wait.
for the voice to get quieter
my mood to become unstuck
and
i pray
there won’t be a next time.

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here comes the fear again….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 10/02/2013 by doyourememberthattime

143 days.
i know i should be proud
maybe a tiny little part of me is
i can recognise that this is a huge achievment for me
unfortunately
the bigger part of me feels guilty
and
ashamed.

i’m a fraud
i still think about it everyday
my mind conjures up the most horrific images.
i deserve it.
i should be atoning for my mistakes.
i should be tearing my body apart
the guilt of not hurting myself,
of deceiving those i care about most
is killing me.

i do not feel better
i miss the blood
i crave the blood
i imagine it flowing inside me
i’m scared there is too much
i feel unnatural.

i don’t know who i am
without
blood
and
pain
and
chaos.

i’m so much lower without the release
i have no escape from these intolerable emotions
the fear is overwhelming
i’m scared this is never going to change

i am always going to want it
i will forever be ruled by insane desires
uncontrollable lows
and
i’m too ashamed to admit it.