Archive for relationship

what a difference a year makes…

Posted in love, mental illness, relationships, romance, therapy, trust with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 24/06/2014 by doyourememberthattime

last year I met a nice man.
he was attentive, intelligent, funny & well read.
i found him attractive.
perfect, I hear you say.

no

i rejected him in favour or rather difficult man i met around the same time.
the man I picked was selfish & uncompromising.
even in bed.
it did not last.

I
i’ve talked about this with various people.
my therapist, my best friends, my mum & sister
all of whom, agreed that i had a bit of habit of selecting inappropriate men.
i did not disagree.

what I needed to know was why?
further discussion & some introspection brought the answers to the surface.

that nice man was too nice.
i was suspicious of his apparent loveliness,
i didn’t believe that it was real.
surely, his best behaviour would dissipate
&
i’d be left disappointed.
more worryingly, i was not convinced that i deserved this nice man.
i have never been with someone who gives me what i need.
there is always a catch,
a perpetual shortfall.
the idea that i had met someone i could relax & possibly be happy with frightened me
it’s hard for me to think i am entitled to that sort of contentment.

i’m not worthy
and
he was bound to discover that fairly quickly.
how long before my craziness, disability & general not good enoughness was uncovered?
how long before i was rejected?

so, you see,
liking this nice man was just too risky.
it could only end badly.

he could be a fraud
&
i would be disappointed.

he could recognise what a sub-standard person i was
&
i would be rejected.

either way it was too dangerous.
getting close to man who may actually be possible of meeting my desires was too threatening.
it was easier to choose men who never could.
relationships with built in obsolescence could not hurt me.
i always knew it would end
& therefore never become emotionally attached.
i’m sure you can see the problem with that.

Earlier this year, he got in touch.

just to say hi.
we talked for a few weeks.
i remembered how enjoyable conversing with him was.
we decided to meet
&
this time, I am allowing myself to hope that maybe I do deserve this.
perhaps happiness is within my reach.

it’s very early days.
we’re enjoying each other’s company.
who knows what may happen.
the important thing is I am open to the possibilities.

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it’s a new day & i’m feeling good….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on 15/10/2012 by doyourememberthattime

this is what moving on feels like
i think
it’s strange
&
nice
&
a little bit sad

all those of hoping someone would want me as much as i wanted him
are over
it’s a relief
he can’t make me happy
i’ve finally stopped hoping he will.

now i can enjoy what i’m actually being offered
i want what’s being offered
who knew that could happen ?

thank you for the days……

Posted in friendship, love, romance, trust, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 12/01/2012 by doyourememberthattime

we’re losing us
and
it makes me very sad

i accepted that we
weren’t
to be
a long time ago,
but
i thought we could still be us

we had something really special
what
a
cliche

it’s true
we made each other feel extraordinary
we felt lucky
we felt edgy
we felt so very clever

at least
i did
no
i know you did too

i know those moment
were
real

you could never have faked
those smiles
or those tender words
you’re not a man given
to
soppy declarations
but
your
well considered
esotoric
compliments
made me fly

i called you odd
you called me weird
&
it felt better than any beautiful
or funny
or sexy
or smart
anyone else had ever bestowed on me

we fitted together like lego
snug
secure
a platform to build on

i suppose that is the problem
when you stop building
you lose the momentum
&
the relationship is stunted

we still talk
we still care
but
the fizz is missing

i think of you twewnty time a day,
but
i stop myself from texting
i no longer stockpile
your
future
treats

i am no longer confident that
i will be
the
one
treating you

i love you
we were never very good at saying that
but
it’s true

i don’t usually have problems with it
but i always knew it scared you
that’s fine
we had
what we had
i don’t need the words
or
for that
matter
the feeling

if you didn’t love me
fine
you’re still
the
best
man
i ever had

we’re losing us
but
i don’t think we need to
if we can just get through this bit
the tricky
not sure where the boundaries are
dreading the other finding someone
else
who makes them swoon
stage
i know, we can make it

we can remake us
into something stronger
something solid
and
safe
and
lovely

we can be friends.