Archive for sad

let’s talk about sex….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 30/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i’m horny.
actually, I’m horny almost all of time.
i know part of depression is supposed to be a loss of libido,
but this has never been the case for me.

sex is a drug
an invigorating
blissful
powerful drug.

when I’m fucking I’m not worrying
i’m not terrified
or
sad
i am completely in the moment.
focused on mmine & my partner’s bodies
and
how good we can make each other feel.

sex is the only thing that switches my brain off.

sex for me, offers the same release as self-harm
but
in a positive, non-damaging way.
sex makes me feel good.
the more physical the better.
i like it rough
i am totally up for some kink
in an ideal world I would be getting it on more than once a day.

i’m always safe.
i don’t sleep with strangers.
i have some ex’s i’m on good terms with who step in when I am unattached.
i need some sort of connection with a person to enjoy being dirty with them
i have to like them
i want to lie in bed afterwards & have a gab.

this year in particular
i have realised how therapeutic sex can be.

i have an almost insatiable appetite for cock
(& lately pussy too)
woman are constantly told they ought not to behave this way
i am sure many folk would call me slut
i don’t care

there are very few things in life that make me feel content & in control
i refuse to feel guilty for indulging in an activity that does.

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all you can do is keep breathing….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 30/10/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i’m trying.
i’m trying so very hard.
i’m trying to start anew
i’m trying not to be sad
and
broken
and
difficult

i want so much to be someone else
everyone thinks i am doing so well
i can act the part
i put on a great show
but
i’m still sitting here unable to stop crying at 4 in the morning.

i feel empty

i’m trying to build something new
but
i don’t think i have enough pieces.

every single thing i can’t live without
goes

i want my baby
and
my niece
and
the person i was before i was irrevocably damaged.

i want to be happy
to be someone that a person could love without being hurt.

i wish i wasn’t this dark hole
but
i can’t shine a light bright enough.

i’m trying so hard
but
it’s never enough.

more than this….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on 06/06/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i have a growing sense of emptiness
i can feel the warmth of life leaking out
becoming a husk
dry & lacking in colour

my vibrancy has been replaced with sadness
it swells in my chest
and vibrates throughout
a powerful melancholy
that has swept away my joy

drip by drip
passions slide away
my grasp is too slow
my reach too short
to catch my dearest drops
even clutching so so tight
fails

the flurry of loss will end
the sadness will harden
and i’ll be empty
nothing
gone

i wish it could be blue again …..

Posted in death, depression, hope, mental health with tags , , , , , , , , , on 22/07/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i feel grey again

 

it’s not the most severe level of depression

 

but it’s the most dispiriting.

 

 

i see no point in anything.

 

i’d happily stay in bed

 

no

 

i’d miserably stay in bed.

 

i’m not speaking of a luxurious lie in

 

it’s a bleak,

 

gloomy

 

unwillingness to tackle life.

 

 

i’m scared to leave the house.

 

someone pressing my door bell sent me into panic.

 

if i drop something

 

i cry.

 

 

there is no joy.

 

i dread the things i used to take pleasure in

 

food is tasteless

 

music makes me sob

 

 

i see no end

 

no relief.

 

 

washing my hair is an achievement

 

the sun outside an annoyance

 

i’d like someone to help

 

but there isn’t anything anyone can do.

 

 

my head is seeped in grey.

 

 

 

i don’t want to die

 

i just don’t want to live this life.

i hurt myself today

Posted in depression, self harm with tags , , , , , , , on 20/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

today i sat on my sofa

i calmly spread a towel across my knees

& rested my left arm upon it.

i removed the used,stained blade and slid on its fresh, sterile replacement.

i studied my arm,

selected my spot

just above the crook of my arm

i paused for a moment.

and, then, i made my first cut

no hysteria, no fuss.

just a calculated slice.

stamping my place,

red marks the spot

i continued to cut

slice after slice

until the wound began to gape.

i stopped,

lay down my scalpel

& lit a cigarette.

i smoked as i watched my blood flow down my arm.

and, then, i recommenced.

cut,cut,cut

wound opened wider

yellow globules of fat appeared.

again, i paused,

lit a cigarette,

and observed.

it continued.

i sat calmly on cutting & smoking.

releasing the thoughts i didn’t want to think,

allowing the sadness to soak into that bloodied towel.

today i sat on my sofa.