Archive for SADNESS

rainy days and SUNDAYS always bring me down…..

Posted in depression, family, mental health with tags , , , , , , on 19/06/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i have never liked sundays.

 

they have always held a certain gloom for me.

 

the advent of my depression has had made them heavier,darker,bleaker.

 

sundays magnify how much i have screwed up my life,

 

whilst most people are preparing for the beginning of the working week

 

i am bracing myself for another week of grey nothingness.

 

i have no clothes to iron,

 

no emails to read,

 

no reason to get to bed early.

 

i have no career.

 

i am fit for nothing.

 

sunday brings it all home.

 

sundays are lazy, cuddly, romantic days.

 

couples lie in

 

have delicious,unrushed morning sex

 

or take cosy walks together

 

buy newspapers to read over sloppy brunches.

 

from this too i am excluded.

 

i spend my sundays alone,

 

feeling lonelier than any other day of the week

 

no one chance of passion or companionship

 

because

 

no one falls in love with crazy

 

sunday underlines this fact.

 

let’s not forget, for else sundays are

 

perhaps their most painful incarnation

 

sundays are the end of the weekend

 

the are the ultimate school night

 

parents must make sure homework is completed

 

uniforms are assembled & ready

 

bags packed

 

lunches prepared

 

children bathed.

 

sunday evening holds the familiar bed time debate

 

it is a domestic day

 

a day that holds no routine for me

 

no logistics organise

 

no rules to enforce

 

to children to kiss goodnight.

 

 

 

sundays remind me of all that i don’t have

 

my mistakes

 

and

 

misfortune

 

vividly played out in all the rituals i do not have to perform.

 

 

i have never liked sundays.

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my fever burns me deeper than you’ll ever know

Posted in depression, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 19/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

it is ok to feel my emotions.
i’m told.
learn to deal with the feelings as they come.
they’re just feelings.
they can’t hurt me.

except, i don’t know what that means

and they do hurt me.

do normal people feel what i feel and cope ?
or do i experience something different.
it doesn’t seem possible to just sith with these emotions and still be ok.

how do i tell myself i am ok ?
i feel like i am drowning.
when the sandness is so overwhelming that my life is meaningless.
all i can see are days and weeks of sinking further under the tide.

i can stay awake all night
tortured by a sadness tthat is bigger than me

or

i can reach for that shiny blade
and rip it out
let my tears run red.

i want to understand these healthy coping mechanisms
but all i know is blood.