Archive for scalpel

Handle me with care….

Posted in depression, insomnia, mental health, mental illness, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 19/11/2015 by doyourememberthattime

I saw one of those annoying self care lists earlier. 

They irritate me because it’s beyond my comprehension that anyone believes a hot bath & some candles will stop the war in my head.

As I scrolled through the ridiculously naive advice, I realised I had my own version of self care. 

I was in fact, in the midst of a session. 

Self harm is my self care. 

It ticks all the boxes. 

It helps me feel calm 

in control

quiets my mind.
The ritual of setting up keeps me busy

Peeling back the foil to reveal a pristine blade

Arranging my towels 

Carefully selecting where I will begin

All of things offer distraction from my despair

panic 

loathing.

They provide comfort 

&

root my in the present moment. 
The bloods feels good; hot & slippery on my skin

The release gained from it flowing out it a weight lifted.

It’s so much better than crying.

That first strike that slides right into my flesh,

When I’m through the skin & my fat offers no restistance.

That wipes my thoughts clean 

It’s just me, 

my scalpel 

&

my blood. 
That’s what compassion is to me. 

It’s stainless steel disappearing into an open wound,

the instant when my cut starts to frighten me

But

I just keep going. 

i’ve lost control again…

Posted in chronic illness, depression, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 19/11/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i’m ill
oh, i know, i’m always ill
but it usually ebbs & flows.
i get some respite
i used to have days when i felt i like a normal person
not
anymore.

i’ve been sick every day for months
i’m exhausted
i ache, everywhere
i threw up
a lot.

my body has decided that i am no longer permitted to eat
my weight is plummeting
and
i have no control.

I HAVE NO CONTROL

as a result, i have shut down
because i cannot function without control
with every pound i lose
i feel like my actual self is diminshing
i am just fading away.

i rarely leave the house
i barely move at all
i can’t function
i can’t write
i can’t even cut with any efficacy.

i lack the strength or energy to assert dominance with a scapel
which means i’m lost.
i have to lie down to it
i don’t have any other options.

blood on the rise, it’s following me….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 10/06/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i cut.
265 days. Void.

in the end there wasn’t any particular trigger
i had bad day
no worse than the few that went before it
a flip just switched
i started to feel like I could
like I should
and
that was that

i had been so scared of forgetting how
i thought I might get rusty without the continuous practise
i needn’t have worried
it had never been easier.

I intended to take my time,
make a small cut
dip my blade in
but
the blood flooded my senses
i was in deep before I was even properly aware of it

it felt good.

the blood under my fingernails
the little globs of yellow fat on my hands
the pulsing blue network
the pain
the calm

i expected to feel worse
i’m a little ashamed
i don’t want people to know
but
if this could be my secret
i’d happily dive back into the self-destructive depths.

constant craving…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 03/05/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i almost cut today.
i got out my box. lifted the lid on the intruments i have missed so much.
that tin smells of blood.
i like it
i selected a scalpel handle & fitted a sharp new blade.
i spread a towel for the much anticipated blood.
i took my time finding the perfect spot.
somewhere soft & inviting.
a patch of skin eager to submit.
i sterilised my skin
and
sat there for hours.

i wanted to make that cut almost as much i wanted to be alive.

opening that box felt like coming home.
breathing in the aroma
feeling that scalpel in my hand
i was back where i belonged.

the thought of that first incision
the crimson emerging,
slowly sliding down my arm.

my heart is racing now at the thought

i want it.

i want blood
&
gore
&
pain
&
scars

i want stitches
and staples.
nerve damage
and infections.

i crave it so badly that i can hardly breathe.

i nearly cut today,but i knew if i started
i wouldn’t be able to stop.

i thought about the life that might be possible
and of all the people i’d be letting down.
i thought of athena
and
i put that box away.