Archive for se;f destruction

you do it to yourself…..

Posted in comapassionate mind, depression, family, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , on 03/07/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i appear to a have a gift for self destruction.

 i have already explored more than enough avenues of self abuse

 and

 yet

 i find myself creating opportunities to hurt myself

 what’s more,

 feeling a sense of smug satisfaction that i have so much power

 sick

 i know.

 

 it doesn’t stop me

 i hate myself

 i am so tired of being me

 inflicting more damage on my body is incredibly stupid

 i am aware of that

 and

 i hate myself for that too.

 

 no matter how bad life treats me,

 i just have to go one better

 you would think i would fight against my bad luck

that, i’d meet illness with rest

 trauma with kindness

 sadness with comfort

 tradegy with compassion

 perhaps

 normal people do

 my response is a tad more savage.

 i can not tolerate these emotions

 i can not process anymore awful events

 i feel responsible even when i am not

i live in a constant spiral of guilt

 and

 so

 i stick the boot in

 i punish myself

 i create another emotion

another sensation

 another crisis

one that i can control

and

manage

 

of course i am deceiving myself.

 i lost control a very long time ago

 i go too far

 i never know if i can manage the outcome

 i never know the long

or

short term risks

one more reason to dislike me.

 

 i am trouble

 a pathetic burden to professionals

 and

personnels

 

 i’m sick in body and mind

 no one knows how to cure me

 least of all me.

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