Archive for self destruction

blood on the rise, it’s following me….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 10/06/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i cut.
265 days. Void.

in the end there wasn’t any particular trigger
i had bad day
no worse than the few that went before it
a flip just switched
i started to feel like I could
like I should
and
that was that

i had been so scared of forgetting how
i thought I might get rusty without the continuous practise
i needn’t have worried
it had never been easier.

I intended to take my time,
make a small cut
dip my blade in
but
the blood flooded my senses
i was in deep before I was even properly aware of it

it felt good.

the blood under my fingernails
the little globs of yellow fat on my hands
the pulsing blue network
the pain
the calm

i expected to feel worse
i’m a little ashamed
i don’t want people to know
but
if this could be my secret
i’d happily dive back into the self-destructive depths.

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memories seep from my veins….

Posted in self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 02/05/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

when i think about slicing into an arlready open wound,

i feel slighty sick.

my stomach  flutters horribly.

and yet,

when i do it,

i am calm.

watching the skin split wider,

my blade tear through another layer,

i am merely fascinated.

the deeper the shade of my blood,

the deeper the wound,

the more satisfied i become.

i can see the blue nestling in the corner of my current effort,

a vein presenting it self to me.

should i venture on ?

i don’t know how significant the vein  is.

i can’t tell for sure how much further down lies.

the body can be deceptive.

i know i would like the blood.

the fast, pulsing, unstoppable flow.

but i can’t calculate the consequences.

can i move fast enough, if action is required ,

or will i be mesmerized by rush of pure red relief ?

i know even as i contemplate it,

that cutting further is selfish.

it’s stupid.

but

i want to cleanse myself of these feelings.

i’m delaying making the decision.

i’m writing this

&

watching the blood.

the urge is getting stronger.

i can’t let myself off easily.

this is what i need.

this is who i am.

stuck in moment

Posted in depression, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , on 13/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i’m drowning


it’s been a very difficult week.


i know anyone would have found it challenging,


but they’d have coped.


 


i pretend to manage


i ploughed through


i acted brave and in control


it’s all fake


 


what lies beneath ?


 


five hours of cutting myself up


              feeling the blood pour


                            watching skin slice  & the gape begin


                                                         opening skin,to flesh, ,to muscle


spraying blood on the bathroom wall


 


i could have stopped at anytime.


there were times when i felt it might be enough,


but i would not allow it to be.


the abuse started in my in my head


i purposely tore myself apart


inside


and


out


 


i left a trail of blood and shame from reception to my a&e cubicle


i was treated with respect by everyone


barr myself.


i left with 18 stitches and  a strong desire to punish myself.


 


now i am left with the GUILT


i have let everyone down


that the are unaware of my betrayal is irrelevant


people need me to be strong


they are relying on me to function


i am pathetic


 

bend me,break me, as long as you want me,it’s alright

Posted in ambition, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on 11/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i have to stop myself being needy.

i can not afford to be just another crazy girl

because i need him in my life

i’ll be his friend

i’ll be his lover

i’ll be whatever he needs me to be.

how did i become so pathetic ?

i was the girl who takes no shit.

i was the girl who believed in who i was.

i was girl who knew exactly where she was going.

part of me is still here.

i will not tolerate anyone hurting those that i love

i will always be your corner,

fighting for your happiness.

when did i stop being on my own team ?

i yearn to be the girl i used to be.

but i can’t stop seeking the blood,

i’m adding new tactics to my game.

MISSION SELF DESTRUCT.

i don’t want to succeed.

i don’t know how to stop.