Archive for sex

i know you care…

Posted in love, motherhood, relationships, romance, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 22/03/2014 by doyourememberthattime

You’ll never read this. You will never know how much I love you. How much I would sacrifice for you will remain unsaid. It doesn’t mean it’s not real. Not saying it out loud won’t prevent me from going to sleep with thoughts of you every night. Even when I’m not alone, my last waking moments are filled with you.

I compare every man I encounter to you. They never meet the grade. I don’t know if you will ever stop being my measuring stick. It’s not because I consider you perfect. I see your faults. You drive me crazy. It doesn’t matter. I see you and you’re what I want.

It’s such a cliché, but I’ve never known anyone who made me feel the way you do. Every time you kiss me is as exciting as the first time. The slightest touch, that stern look, the sound of my name on your lips and I melt. And the sex, oh god, I will miss the sex. I never want you to stop talking. I will always want to know more. I devour your details. You make me feel like the me I used to love. I’m smarter & funnier & kinder & sexier in your company. When your eyes fall on me, I feel real. I feel like I am worth something. I’m not sure that you even know that. I wish I could find the words to tell you.

I hid all my dirty secrets from you, thinking you’d run. You never did. You accepted things you never wanted to and you haven’t held it against me. You know how truly fucked up I am, but you still see the whole picture. You’re there for me in quiet ways. You don’t send flowers or make a fuss. You know when I’m desperate. You know which two strokes of the keyboard can reach me. A genuinely nice man is hard to find, but you are. No matter how hard to try to hide it or shirk it, I know.

I’m pretty sure you see right through me & you’re not half as opaque as you believe you are. I could be happy with you. You don’t want to admit that you need anyone at all, but I’m almost certain you could be happy with me too. I don’t want anything much from you. All I’d need is for you to keep being odd & charming & difficult & honest. I’d do everything within my power not to hurt you. I’d never ask you to be anyone, but who you are. I don’t need you to slog away in a job that makes you miserable. Do whatever you like. I don’t want your money. I’d never ask you to take care of me in that way. I’m not that woman. You know that.

I know how futile this is. I am aware that none of this matters because there’s one obstacle we could never overcome. You do not want to be a father. Playing happy families is not for you. Sadly, if there’s one thing I want more than you, it’s a child. My heart pines for you, but every cell in my body aches for baby. It’s not your fault. You’ve never deceived me or given me false hope. I had oh so many opportunities to walk away.

I’ve tried. I really put myself out there. I’ve been on so many dates. Some of those were really cool guys. Men I saw again & tried to forge a relationship with. A couple of times I even started to consider being over you. It never lasted. Never worked. They’re never a match for you. I hold onto the hope that someone will sweep me off my feet & I will forget all about you. I wish he would hurry up because I can’t stop loving you on my own. My attempts have universally failed. At least part of me wishes for the mystical Mr right. The bigger part just drips in sadness at the thought of not being in love you. I’m still not ready to write you out of my happyily ever after.

If I can’t have you, I still want you to be happy. I want you to be loved by someone who can give you the life I can’t. I know you’ll meet someone. There is no way for me to prepare for that. It will tear me in two, but we can’t continue like this forever.

Just don’t let her shrink you. Don’t keep doing things that make you unhappy to please someone else. Don’t conform to her tastes. Please don’t let a woman tame you again. You don’t belong in a tight little box. That’s not love. You have edge. Always keep your edge.

I will never tell you that you are the love of my life. I will most likely never know exactly how you feel about me. That’s probably for the best because there is nothing you could say that would make it better. I know you care. That is enough.

big is beautiful…

Posted in body positivity, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 27/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

Cosmopolitan website featured an interview with two fat women that caught my eye. Cosmo is not usually a publication I favour, but this interview was a rare beauty. An honest & mostly positive account of life as a plus sized woman. The article was a big hit with the plus size blogging community & a number of bloggers have answered the questions in their own words. I have decided to join the pack because the world needs more body positive voices.

How do you feel when other women around you complain about feeling/being fat?
This is a hard question for me because I have such mixed feelings. Of course it can make me feel bad when women who are much smaller than me complain about being fat, but I don’t think I have the right to police their thoughts & feelings. I am learning to love my body and I would like others to feel the same. However it’s not my place to tell others how they should feel about their bodies. I will always be supportive & body positive, but I’m not going to censure people for having insecurities.
How has your body image changed since high school/college?
I was slim when I was younger. I started to gain some weight ay university, but I was far from plus sized. Despite that I always felt fat. I believed I was the biggest in my group of friends, wouldn’t wear certain types of clothes and generally didn’t feel very attractive. When I look back at pictures I realise this was nonsense. When I did actually become fat there wasn’t a huge shift in how I felt about myself as I already thought very negatively about my body.

Have you ever tried dieting? What happened?
Yush! I have dieted on & off for years. I am very successful at losing weight, but have never been able to maintain the loss. This is mostly because dieting always becomes very extreme for me. I start of trying to stick to a healthy eating plan, but it descends into a crazy regime. I usually end up restricting myself to about 500 cals a day, which anyone will tell you is not sustainable. I’ll be honest, I feel fantastic when I am loss huge amounts of weight. It just isn’t worth what I do to myself to get achieve it.
Do you think in your case your weight is partly or entirely genetic?
I don’t think I have the kind of body that is ever going to be skinny, but no, my weight is not genetic.
Do you consider yourself healthy? Have there been instances where people assumed you were unhealthy?
I’m not healthy, but that has nothing to do with my weight. I am plagued by a number of chronic conditions, which greatly impact my life. On the other hand my cholesterol level is very good; my blood pressure is low and so on. Losing weight would not improve any of illnesses I suffer from.
Are your parents both supportive of the weight you are at? Have they always been?
Neither of my parents is ever cruel or forceful about their desire for me to lose weight, but I am aware that they would prefer me to be smaller. They have both been very happy when I have lost weight in the past.

How do you think retailers can improve clothes for plus-sized people?
Basically, I want the same clothes as smaller women. Just make all your clothes in bigger sizes & let me decide how I want to dress instead of making assumptions about what fat women want to wear. The only retailer I am aware of who do this are ASOS. I highly recommend their curve range. Oh & stop charging me so much.
Do you think plus-size women are judged differently than plus-sized men?
Yes. There are so many visible fat man on tv, films etc. Large men are portrayed as successful and attractive. You often see very fat men with gorgeous partners and fulfilling lives. On the other hand fat women in the media are usually the joke. They’re the stupid big women who thinks someone might be attracted to her (haha, gross) or the miserable failure. Male actors are allowed to be fat in a way that women are not. There is one version of female beauty in mainstream media and it is not fat.
Do you think there is an assumption made/stereotype that exists about plus-size people? How would you respond to it?
Lazy, unattractive, unsuccessful & unpopular. I respond to that by living my life complete with friends, accomplishments & hot men.
Do you think there is ever a right way or time to express concern about someone’s weight?
Do you suspect that someone has an eating disorder? If not, no.
What are the worst things people have said to you about your body?
I think I have been lucky in that I don’t often get negative comments about my weight. I’ve had men I’ve turned down resort to fat slurs. Similarly I have had a few people throw some names at me during arguments/disagreements. That doesn’t happen often & I tend not to keep folks like that in my life.

What have people said (or do you wish they’d say) that would complement your body or appearance?
I want to hear the same things as anyone else. I don’t need specific compliments because I’m fat.
Do you find yourself hanging out with women who are closer to your size?
Nope. I have friends of all shapes and sizes. Physical attributes have no impact on whom I form friendships with.
How has weight affected your sex life, if at all?
It hasn’t. To be honest I think I have a more active & exciting sex life than most of social circle.
When you’ve been single, has your weight affected your dating life?
Only in that I haven’t always felt attractive. I get the same amount of romantic attention fat as I did thin. It hasn’t stopped me dating anyone I wanted to date. Nor has anyone I’ve been in a relationship with ever had a problem with my size. I am sure there are people who look at me & think yuck, fat. Since I have no desire to date anyone harbouring those feelings it has no impact on my life.
Do you feel weird if the guy you’re with only dates larger women?
I would if he was only with me because I was fat, but that goes for any other single attribute. I want a person to want all of me. Having said that I have no problem with someone being attracted to larger women. If I did I would be saying there is something wrong with being fat. Why shouldn’t folk prefer fat women? As long as that’s not the only attraction, it’s fine with me.

Do you feel weird if he’s only dated slimmer women before?
No. I’m not really interested in who he’s dated before. He’s with me now; he clearly likes & fancies me. Who cares about the past?

You can find the original interview here
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/fat-women-real-talk

let’s talk about sex….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 30/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i’m horny.
actually, I’m horny almost all of time.
i know part of depression is supposed to be a loss of libido,
but this has never been the case for me.

sex is a drug
an invigorating
blissful
powerful drug.

when I’m fucking I’m not worrying
i’m not terrified
or
sad
i am completely in the moment.
focused on mmine & my partner’s bodies
and
how good we can make each other feel.

sex is the only thing that switches my brain off.

sex for me, offers the same release as self-harm
but
in a positive, non-damaging way.
sex makes me feel good.
the more physical the better.
i like it rough
i am totally up for some kink
in an ideal world I would be getting it on more than once a day.

i’m always safe.
i don’t sleep with strangers.
i have some ex’s i’m on good terms with who step in when I am unattached.
i need some sort of connection with a person to enjoy being dirty with them
i have to like them
i want to lie in bed afterwards & have a gab.

this year in particular
i have realised how therapeutic sex can be.

i have an almost insatiable appetite for cock
(& lately pussy too)
woman are constantly told they ought not to behave this way
i am sure many folk would call me slut
i don’t care

there are very few things in life that make me feel content & in control
i refuse to feel guilty for indulging in an activity that does.

it’s got to be worth it….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 22/09/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I have had a couple of emails & lots of search terms on the topic of self-harm & dating. I can’t claim to be an expert, but I do date & I’m happy to share my tips.
I’d like to start by saying no one has ever flat out rejected me solely on account of my scars or my cutting. That is not to say that self-harm has never caused a problem in relationships, but no one has run away screaming.
I find that being upfront and forthright has worked best for me. On a first date with someone new I will wear something that allows a little bit of scarring to be seen. This is scary, but less scary than getting to know & like someone all the while worrying about how and when to tell them your secret. It also gives anyone who can’t handle scars or their implications a chance to bail before anyone gets attached. Be prepared for some lingering glances when they think you aren’t looking. It’s also possible that they may ask questions right away, whenever they do ask, I always answer briefly, but honestly. If you develop a relationship with this person any lies you tell will be uncovered. Again it allows either party to walk away if they aren’t comfortable with the route the conversation takes.
I have been internet dating & I deliberately uploaded one picture that shows some scars. I think this is a good idea as wards off anyone who has a real issue with self-harm or scars. As we all know, people can be crueller online than they would be in person, so weeding out the bastards early can only be a plus.
I think once the relationship progresses & people start to care about each, the scars are less of a problem than they actual self-harming behaviour. I’ve had men admit that my scars disturb them a little, make them feel sad or protective, but never enough to stop them wanting to have a relationship with me. I know a lot of people worry that their scars make them unattractive; I use to be scared that mine robbed me of any desirability. I have been reassured by men that I’ve dated that after the initial shock; they mostly cease to really notice them. Certainly no one has ever found them so distasteful as to be turned off.
If you are still actively self-harming relationships can be difficult. Obviously it’s distressing to know that someone you care about is in so much pain. There is no easy way around that. I’m not relationship expert or counsellor, but what I can tell you is be truthful with your partner. Open up, let them support you if they able. Love & self-harm (or any mental illness) are not mutually exclusive. When you meet the right person, it can work.
Having said that, there are pitfalls. Don’t be afraid to walk away, if the other party is detrimental to your mental health. Please don’t feel that you have to change or ‘get better’ for someone. Recovery is a personal journey. It will only work if you’re doing it for yourself. You don’t need anyone in your life that makes you feel guilty. Nor do you want someone who is ashamed or embarrassed of your problems. Remember you are worth just as much as everyone else. Be brave and stand up for yourself if needs be.

In conclusion I would say, go for it. There are kind, decent people out there who will see the whole you. The right person will try to understand. There are lots of wonderful men & women just waiting to meet you. You can have lots of fun trying new people on & seeing who fits best. You’re good enough as you are. Keep telling yourself that until you start to believe it.

that i would be good….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 19/08/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i am fat.
that’s a fact not an insult.

for many years I have been a comfort eater.
as you can imagine, depression isn’t helpful with this problem.
in my bleakest times I also lose the motivation to prepare proper meals.
i exist on whatever food stuffs require the least effort.
it’s a vicious circle.
i feel awful, i eat terribly, the weight gain gives me further reason to berate myself, and i feel worse.

the truth is I hate my body
i try very hard to accept the body I have
and
love myself
but
i have never really been able to
sadly, I tend towards hating myself inside & out.

I am ashamed of my body
i’m not sure that many people would know that I feel that way
i project a like it or lump it attitude,
i would dearly love to feel.

i fully support the fat pride movement
i don’t judge other people’s bodies in the way that I do my own.
there is a familiar disconnect when self-compassion is required.

i don’t know if my lack of self-love is part of my depression
my therapist has often told me that my inner critic is overly developed.
i consider my fatness a failure
but
as a feminist I feel my belief in that notion is a bigger failure
i attack myself on all fronts.

i have successfully lost lots of weight in the past
unfortunately the only way I have manage to do this is by practically starving myself
hence, it is never sustainable
perhaps I am meant to be fat?
I find that idea a little frightening.

the problem is, i genuinely feel better about myself when I am slimmer
not thin
i’ve never wanted to be skinny
i like curves
i enjoy being a big woman
just not this big.

i’m not entirely sure where my loathing originates
obviously I live in a world that perpetuates the myth that only thin is beautiful
but
personally, I have not found my everyday relationships have been affected by my weight
i have never had difficulty making friends
nor have I been lacking in romantic or sexual attention.
why then do I find myself body so repulsive?
others clearly don’t.

i have been immersing myself in the fat pride movement
my hope is that seeing other fat bodies in a positive light will allow me to view my own body more lovingly.
i suspect that i would be a happier person if i could accept myself
it would be a step towards seeing that i am enough.

One day i would like to be able to say
i am good, just as i am.

sex is not the enemy….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 30/06/2013 by doyourememberthattime

a wave of depression has washed over me
if i could hibernate until it passed
i would
failing that, what i crave
is some really hot,
really rough
sex.

i want to be fucked
hard.
sweaty, dirty, sweetly painful

i want to feel something else.

sex acts like a positive form of self harm.
it forces me to stay in the moment
i focus on the sensations
instead
of what’s going on in my mind

when i am in the midst of a sublime sexual experience
i am free
my mind declares a cease fire
i experience peace & joy simultanously
suddenly i’m attractive,
functioning
powerful
i see aspects of myself that are usually out of view

i yearn to be suspended in that untroubled embrace
sex is my favourite medicine.

a tale of two ex’s, part 2

Posted in dating, friendship with tags , , , , , , on 08/02/2013 by doyourememberthattime

my relationhsip with alan came to an abrupt end

since calling it off

there had been a number of drunk texts

so, when he asked to get together

i thought it would be good to give us a nicer ending.

 

i wasn’t in love with alan

i was sad when it ended.

 

i think seeing the man had clarified things for me

i was never going to feel that way about alan

and

it was probably best to stop when we did.

 

so, we met for dinner & drinks.

 

he arrived unshaved & not looking his best

i knew i didn’t want to be with him anymore.

it was strange

three weeks ago, i was happily having a relationship with him

and

now

i didn’t feel very much at all.

 

we talked about us

and

what we wanted

and

a little bit of everything else

it felt good that we could be friends.

 

then we got very drunk

 

when he invited me back to his

my baser instincts kicked in.

i hadn’t had sex since we broke up

i was horny

and

somehow

sleeping with him

purely for the sex

made me feel in control.

 

i wasn’t pining for him

i didn’t want to keep him

i can close the door on him now

without any sadness

 

oh,

&

the sex was amazing.