Archive for shame

say what you mean to say….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on 29/12/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i had to have another transfusion.
and
it made me think about my strategies for coping
with
other’s view of me

i try to hide my shame
if people knew
just how revolting i feel about
neeeding
&
using
that generously donated blood
i would become an easy target.

they wouldn’t hide their revulsion
as i would have given them a signal
that
they
were
right

a huge part of me believes that are correct
i didn’t deserve it
i am selfish

that doesn’t mean i am brave enough to face their judgement
head
on
self preservation kicks in
i don’t want to be publicly censured

even though
i
know
i am not worth the comapssion of others.

i try to get in there first
i will insult myself
say what i am sure they must be thinking

or i’ll blazen it out
if i act in control
people are more likely to treat me
less
like
a
nutter

there is a little voice
that
screams
you are ill
you don’t want this
but
i don’t hear her

i don’t want to feel constantly
guilty
& ashamred

but my attempts not to
backfire

i try not to be ashamed of my scars
i don’t always hide them
i’ve even used pictures to illustrate this blog

i am critised for it
it’s showboating
attention seeking

if i talk honestly
and
show you what my life
and
body
are truely like
you reject me

my defense
garners more scorn

if i let my weakness show
i am ripe for attack

i don’t know how to protect myself

i don’t want to be ashamed
but
every single outside opinion
tells me i should be

my vicious circle continues
i feel
battered
by my own “community”
yet
i suspect admitting this
will be frowned upon.

as pathetic as it sounds
i think i just need a little validation
none is forthcoming.

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memories seep from my veins….

Posted in self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 02/05/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

when i think about slicing into an arlready open wound,

i feel slighty sick.

my stomach  flutters horribly.

and yet,

when i do it,

i am calm.

watching the skin split wider,

my blade tear through another layer,

i am merely fascinated.

the deeper the shade of my blood,

the deeper the wound,

the more satisfied i become.

i can see the blue nestling in the corner of my current effort,

a vein presenting it self to me.

should i venture on ?

i don’t know how significant the vein  is.

i can’t tell for sure how much further down lies.

the body can be deceptive.

i know i would like the blood.

the fast, pulsing, unstoppable flow.

but i can’t calculate the consequences.

can i move fast enough, if action is required ,

or will i be mesmerized by rush of pure red relief ?

i know even as i contemplate it,

that cutting further is selfish.

it’s stupid.

but

i want to cleanse myself of these feelings.

i’m delaying making the decision.

i’m writing this

&

watching the blood.

the urge is getting stronger.

i can’t let myself off easily.

this is what i need.

this is who i am.

snippets from my diary (aka i can’t get the thoughts out of my head in any coherent way)

Posted in depression, insomnia, love, miscarriage, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , on 23/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime

23rd dec 2006

still here, still fucked. still hacking away at myself. still hiding in sleep. still watching sad movies & reading sad books because it’s easier to cry about someone else. still craving the blood. still loving the sensation of it trickling down my arm, dripping off my fingers. still in awe of the pool it creates on the floor. still nothing to equal the wet, slippy, warmth of it. still no release like watching the red spring from my pale skin, following it’s bright path on my flesh, tracing it’s way to my finger tips. still need that sharp heat as the scalpel slices my skin, the pain as i scrub the blood from my body. still feel the fear every time i cut a little deeper & the satisfaction that follows. i still live in a world marked with my blood. bloody puddles in the carpets, red reservoir in the sink. still blood on every door handle, every light switch. my crimson hand print still visible on the bathroom wall. still indulging in the ritual,stockpiling the blades, collecting the blood soaked rags. still searching for something sharper.pushing for something deeper. still, desperate for more blood. still here, still fucked.

26th dec 2006

i feel blue.i feel it welling up inside me. i know soon i’m going to be overflowing with emotion. the room will be flooded with bleakness & i’ll be drowned. i want to cry. i can taste the tears in the back of my throat.my heart feels bigger. like it’s swollen with sadness. i don’t know why i feel this way.i’m fairly certain  could reduce the swelling with my scalpel. just writing the words has started the buzz in my stomach. my body’s gearing up for carnage. this isn’t just in my mind. i want this from the pit of my stomach. what kind of crazy does that make me ?

19th feb 2007

cutting instead of sleeping again.been working on my arms for about an hour. i’m not sure if i can stop yet. watching the wounds fill with blood is soothing me. waiting for it to spill over & run down my arm. i used to watch raindrops on windows do the same when i was a wee girl. i liked it then too. there is something very wrong with me. earlier i looked out the window while i smoked a cigarette. i stood there trying to identify what i feel. searching for a name for this emotion. what i noticed was that all the other houses i could see were asleep. curtains closed, no lights. the street is quiet.i couldn’t help, but think of all the people in those houses and in all the houses in all the streets. they’re all sleeping peacefully. sunday night, alarm set for work in the morning. just sleeping. not staring out a window tearing through their minds. not sitting in bed tearing through their skin. why is it that they can manage it & i can’t? where did things go so wrong for me ? i read a trashy sunday paper that my brother’s friend left. britney has shaved her head. the tabloid’s view on why ? she is having a mental breakdown. she’s a fucking nutter. all she did was shave her hair off! can you imagine what headline they’d write about me ? if anyone actually cared to write about my life.i’m listening to “everybody’s gotta learn sometime” by beck. i love this song, it’s beautiful. it was in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. it’s one of my favourite films. the premise of it is that you can have your memory wiped. so this couple end up having their memories of their relationship wiped. problem is they meet & fall in love all over again. i love that film. i love that they can’t wipe out the love. as much as i love it, it just reinforces what i know is true anyway. i can’t change what i am. even if i could do it all over again, i’d make the mistakes. i’d wind up right back here . i’d still be spilling out my thoughts on a computer screen in the middle of night. i’d still be spilling my blood. now once you know that, where do you go ? i have no idea how i fix this. i don’t even know where to start. i know i can’t stop right now. that doesn’t scare me so much as the realisation that i don’t think i want too. i try to imagine a time when i won’t need to this. all the things i’d need to stop seem impossible. i’ve lost my ability to trust that things will be ok. not everyone gets a happy ending. some of us are miserable. some of die without fulfilling our dreams. some of us sit up all night trying to bleed out their problems. some of us are fucking crazy. 
  ” & i cherish the revolting thought,

that even if i quit

there’s not a chance in hell i’d stop.. ”

13th april 2008


the more i talk to the pysch the more i’m realising i used to be a different person. i liked that person and i can’t quite believe what i’ve become. almost every topic we discuss results in me admitting i feel giulty.always guilty. guilty for letting everyone down.guilty for letting myself down. i failed at the most important task ever given to me. i’ve just kept on failing ever since. i don’t trust myself not to fail.
it’s been so long, but i am still so angry.i blame him doing this to me. i blame me more for letting him. she gasped as i recounted the whole story. how could anyone behave that way and why did i let him ? he took the most important thing in the world from me.i could never prove it was his fault, but i feel it, i know it. i can’t ever forgive him. it’s why i’m alone. i can’t risk anyone being that important again. i can’t trust anyone not to shatter me again. i can’t trust myself not fail. not to forget who i am and risk things that should be protected at all costs. i should have been stronger. i should be stronger now.
i don’t know how to stop hurting. stop missing what i never had. stop feeling guilty about all things i am not.
what i want most in the world is to fall in love and have a family. i don’t know if i can ever have the courage to really try again.how could i trust him not to let me down and how could i trust me not to let us all down ?

stuck in moment

Posted in depression, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , on 13/07/2010 by doyourememberthattime

i’m drowning


it’s been a very difficult week.


i know anyone would have found it challenging,


but they’d have coped.


 


i pretend to manage


i ploughed through


i acted brave and in control


it’s all fake


 


what lies beneath ?


 


five hours of cutting myself up


              feeling the blood pour


                            watching skin slice  & the gape begin


                                                         opening skin,to flesh, ,to muscle


spraying blood on the bathroom wall


 


i could have stopped at anytime.


there were times when i felt it might be enough,


but i would not allow it to be.


the abuse started in my in my head


i purposely tore myself apart


inside


and


out


 


i left a trail of blood and shame from reception to my a&e cubicle


i was treated with respect by everyone


barr myself.


i left with 18 stitches and  a strong desire to punish myself.


 


now i am left with the GUILT


i have let everyone down


that the are unaware of my betrayal is irrelevant


people need me to be strong


they are relying on me to function


i am pathetic